How Do I Get My Siblings To Help Care For Our Aging Parents?

Caregiving is rarely distributed evenly. Sometimes everyone pitches in, but often one child does the lion’s share of the caregiving, while others do little or nothing at all. 

It’s frustrating and overwhelming, especially if you’re burning out trying to support your parents. 

So, how do you change the dynamic? How do you get your siblings to help with care?

While there isn’t a magic phrase that will make them get on board, there are some valuable things to think about and new approaches to take. Some may even get your sibling to help, while others may change the situation in other ways.

Why Don’t Siblings Provide More Care?

Rather than delving straight into how you can get siblings to help more, we need to talk about why they’re not.

The default explanation might be that they’re selfish or lazy, but let’s put that to one side for the moment. While those labels might be accurate for some siblings, there are plenty of other explanations as well.

They Have Other Priorities

Some children choose to prioritize their parents above everything else, including their own health and relationships. Others take a different approach. They might focus on their spouse or kids, or perhaps their job. Even travel, hobbies, and adventure are in the mix for some people.

You might think they’re selfish for not prioritizing your parents, but there isn’t actually a right and wrong here.

Your siblings aren’t obliged to put your parents first just because you are. They have a different life path than you and perhaps different values too. They may be placing high value on the life they’ve built, especially if they’re struggling to get where they are.

What’s wrong with that?

In fact, sometimes your sibling may be taking the healthier and wiser approach.

As some forum members point out, aging parents sometimes need so much support because they didn’t plan for their own retirement or assumed that their kids would pick up the slack. It’s not surprising that some people just aren’t having a bar of it.

They’re Putting Boundaries in Place

It’s easy to assume that siblings are wrong for not helping. However, sometimes they’re simply putting reasonable boundaries in place.

For example, some aging parents are incredibly demanding – asking for help with everything under the sun, including things they can actually do for themselves. Some such parents try to make their kids feel guilty for saying no.

There’s often a temptation to go above and beyond, to do whatever you can to please them. But, honestly, some parents will simply never be satisfied. Some even identify as the victim so strongly that they will always find something new to complain about (a behavioral pattern that is even seen in some narcissists).

Children who have become wise to this pattern may have chosen to step away.

They May Not Be Able To

Not everyone is cut out for caregiving.

Some people don’t have the physical, mental, or emotional capacity to provide hands-on care, particularly to a parent who is seriously ill or is mean. This is particularly true for siblings who have been through trauma, who were abused, or who have mental health problems.

Your sibling may recognize this about themselves and choose to keep their distance.

They May Not Understand

Sometimes siblings just simply don’t understand, particularly if they don’t spend much time with the senior.

They might think that you’re exaggerating the amount of care needed, perhaps because you’re being dramatic or are seeking attention. 

Your parent might even be making this situation worse. Some aging parents even hide their level of need from everyone but the person supporting them. Even the senior’s doctor might not have the complete picture. 

They Have Different Care Solutions in Mind

Sometimes siblings agree that their parents need support but disagree about what this should look like.

This is particularly common with debates about facility care versus aging at home.

If you’re actively providing care, then you’re probably trying to keep your parents at home for as long as you can. Other siblings may have an entirely different perspective, feeling that the senior may be better off in an assisted living facility instead.

And, honestly, they might be right.

While seniors often want to age in place, there’s only so much support they can receive at home. As their health declines, it may become healthier and safer for them to move to more formal care.  

You Might Not Be Allowing Them to Help

Strange as it might seem, you might actually be the reason that your siblings aren’t very involved.

This is sometimes known as the caregiver martyr syndrome, where you become so identified with your role as the primary caregiver that you struggle to let anyone else in.

You might find that you want family members to help, but only if you can maintain complete control. So, you want help only in very specific ways – ones that may be unrealistic for your other family members.

Plus, other family members often want care to be a collaborative process, especially as everyone has different perspectives.

What Can You Do?

Think About the Level of Care That’s Needed

Before you even talk to your siblings, it’s worth taking a hard look at the situation.

There are two key things to consider – what your parent actually needs and what they can do themselves.

This topic often isn’t considered as closely as it ought to be. Too many caregivers simply do every task their parents struggle with or everything they’re asked to do without weighing anything up.

Doing so can mean that you’re over-extending yourself. Not only that, but you may be enabling laziness or dependence in the senior.

In considering this topic, you may find that part of your answer is to step back. Perhaps you need to be doing less for your parents – rather than your siblings doing more.

Even if the level of care you’re providing is right for the situation, it’s still worth thinking about it carefully. After all, you need to clearly understand your parents’ needs and be able to explain them to your siblings.

Find Out Why They Don’t Want to Help – Respectfully!

For this to go well, you need to understand where your sibling is coming from.

This will normally involve having some conversations. But, you need to be wise when doing so.

As Douglas Stone explains in Difficult Conversations, we often go into conversations with the assumption of truth – thinking that there is a right and a wrong (and, unusually, that we’re right). You may have had conversations like this with siblings in the past, where your main goal is to convince them of your point of view.

Why not try something different?

Rather than trying to convince them, why not be curious about their perspectives?

You could even have a broader conversation. So, instead of asking why they don’t help, you might focus on how you as a family can support your parents. What does your sibling think is needed? What isn’t needed? Where do their views differ from yours?

If you try this, you’ll probably get some new perspectives.

Perhaps you’ll learn more about the challenges that they face or where their values lie. Or, perhaps you’ll find that they want to help, but they don’t know how.

Conversations like this give you a window into their side of things. This may be enough to help you find some common ground and a way forward.

[BOX]For example, some siblings don’t help even a little with parents because they’re afraid that once they start, the demands will progressively increase. Like, if they give an inch, the parent will take a mile.

This isn’t unrealistic either. In some families and situations, the concern is entirely justified. [/BOX]

Allow Them to Help in Their Way

Sometimes siblings don’t help because your expectations don’t fit well with their needs.

For example, someone with a high-powered career and a busy life probably doesn’t have much time to spare but may be able to help financially.

Another sibling might not have much money or time, but might be able to help in small ways, like bringing cooked meals every so often.

Allowing siblings to provide support in their own way increases the chance that you’ll actually get support.

Step Back

You can’t force siblings to help with your aging parents. You can have conversations, try to get them on side, and adapt to them, but they’re the ones who ultimately decide. 

If that fails, you have to decide what to do despite them.

If you’re currently overwhelmed and feel like you’re doing far too much – it might be time for you to step back. Take a good hard look at the situation and your parent’s actual needs, then start setting some boundaries.

Seriously.

Running on empty isn’t sustainable.

Sometimes caregiving is simply too much for one person.

Remember that your sibling not helping doesn’t necessarily mean that you need more. The situation may be a signal that it’s time for you to follow suit and start setting some boundaries.

Let Go

Whether you step back from caregiving or not, it’s important to address how you view your siblings. It often helps to let go of expectations and resentment.

This is easier said than done. But, expectations and resentment hurt you far more than they affect anyone else.

And, at the end of the day, you can’t change your family. Many families are dysfunctional in some way or another. This includes people being irrational, selfish, making bad decisions, and having significant trauma.

Respect Their No

As we mentioned before, saying no to caregiving isn’t necessarily bad or wrong.

There are many important reasons why people set boundaries. So, even if you don’t understand, why not try to accept and respect what they’re able to do instead?

There are a few interesting threads about the topic on the AgingCare forum, including this one, which can give you more insight into the reverse perspective. Reading threads like this may help you to get a better feeling understanding of your siblings – and perhaps even ideas about different approaches.

Final Thoughts

Families are hard.

They can be tough, confusing, and full of mixed messages at the best of times. Adding an aging parent to the mix just makes things more complicated still.

After all, you and your siblings are all grown up and have lives of your own. You have different values, priorities, and life maps. It’s not surprising that you approach caregiving in very different ways.

While there’s no one size fits all answer – compassion and curiosity is a good starting point.

I know, this is hard and feels incredibly unfair if you’re the one burned out and overwhelmed. But, if you don’t seek to understand, then you may never find solutions and end up stuck in resentment.