Pros and Cons of Moving a Family Member in With You

Relationships between parents and their children are rife with assumptions and expectations. Many adult children run into this challenge as their parents age. Some find that their parents expect them to be available night and day, to meet their every need. Sometimes the parent even wants to move in with their adult children and live with the family. The idea of moving a family member in with you isn’t a simple one.

For one thing, the situation can play emotional havoc on adult children, especially those who did not see the demand coming. Some will be still raising their own children, while others may have had the last child leave home only recently.

It’s easy to say yes. To allow your aging parent to move in with you because this seems like what you should do. This might even be the logical decision if your aging parent is able to take care of their own needs. The idea could sound a little like having a roommate.

In other cases, the child might be the one who suggests the idea. Doing so might seem like the most obvious way to protect the aging senior and help them to be more independent.

But, having a parent live with you is rarely straightforward.

You and they often have a lot of unexamined baggage, and the shift in situations can have unexpected impacts.

It’s crucial to examine the pros and cons of moving a family member in with you before you do it. Think about this carefully, as the situation isn’t always easy to reverse.

The current COVID-19 makes it even more important to get this decision right. You have fewer options than normal at your fingertips. Changes to living situations can take longer too and be much more complicated.

In this post, we’re highlighting the positive and negative aspects of sharing your home with a family member, along with other important things to think about.

The Positive Aspects of Moving a Family Member in with You

Let’s start with the positive parts of moving a family member in with you. And honestly, there are many. Some will be obvious, while others might be unexpected.

But, be sure to think about how these apply to your own situation. Every family is different. These differences are important, as they’ll influence whether your experience ends up being a positive or negative one.

You Can Help Them

This is often the biggest motivation for moving a family member in. If they’re living with you, you can make sure that they’re safe and that their needs are met.

This is true even if your family member is mostly independent. Simply knowing that you’re close by in the case of an accident can dramatically reduce your stress.

And, if your family member does need support with the activities of life, then you can easily do so. Any task, like preparing food or helping them bathe, is much easier when you live in the same house as them.

It can also be easier for you to go with your loved one to doctor’s office visits and to the hospital. This gives you the chance to interact with their care team and make sure that your family member is getting the best possible treatment.

Being involved in their care like this can decrease your stress and might help improve your loved one’s quality of care and their health.

More Family Time

Having the senior living with you gives you more time as a family. While this is an obvious benefit, it’s an important one. Family connection can help to decrease a sense of loneliness for the senior, giving them a sense of being loved and wanted.

If you’re part of the sandwich generation and are raising kids at home – there are even more benefits. Your children get to spend more time with their grandparents and vice versa. The senior might even be able to help out with childcare or simply entertaining the kids while you are busy.

They’re in a Familiar Environment

Being in a familiar environment can be helpful for seniors, especially those experiencing cognitive decline. Living at home with family might feel much safer than being at a nursing home or some other familiar setting.

There’s also more flexibility when a person lives in a family home, versus assisted living or somewhere similar. You can adapt parts of the living environment for them. This could include hanging their favorite paintings and making sure that they have a nice room.

Such changes might not sound like a big deal, but they’re important. They can make people feel more safe and secure, which is important for their mental health too.

Can Make Finances Easier

Sometimes having a senior with you will save money.

This will depend on the arrangement, of course, but if they’re paying rent and contributing to bills, then you might come out ahead.

The senior benefits too, as living with you should be less expensive than having their own place – and certainly less expensive than assisted living.

The Problems

We need to talk about the challenges of this decision too. Some of the difficulties are obvious, but there may be some that you didn’t think about before.

Weighing pros and cons like this might feel uncomfortable. You might have a sense that your family member needs help, so you should want to give it.

But, if the fit isn’t right, moving your family member in could be bad for them and for you. The goal is to find the best outcome for everyone. To do so, it’s important to weigh up the pros and cons.  

Getting A Break Can Be Hard

The home environment is often your chance to get away from the stresses of life. It’s where you relax, unwind, and refocus. The more people there are living in your house, the more difficult it gets to find time for yourself.

The problem mightn’t be too bad if your family member is independent. For example, if they can still drive and have an active social life, then you may get plenty of time for yourself.

But, for dependent or housebound seniors, the problem can be much more pronounced.

You may find that you’re always ‘on call’. This can get overwhelming fast and makes self-care difficult.

Increased Responsibilities

Similarly, your responsibilities are often increased when your aging parent lives with you. For example, you might end up needing to cook and shop for them. At the more extreme end, you might need to help them in the bathroom and bathe them.

These responsibilities can be find if you’re expecting them. But, some people get caught off guard – especially if the parent was independent prior to moving in.

They Might Not Be Nice to Live With

Even if your aging parent is normally easy to be around, they might not be good to live with. You see the best and worst of people when you live with them on a day-to-day basis.

This is the part of moving a family member in with you that can catch people by surprise. After all, if you mostly just see a senior’s ‘social face’

Aging parents can be particularly frustrating, as they have a lifetime of habits, ideas, and expectations. Some may have been living on their own for some time, which could make them even more set in their ways.

For example, they might not like being asked to turn their TV down or to keep their bedroom door closed when they’re watching it.

The parent-child dynamic can get tricky here too. Some parents won’t like their children trying to control what they do, even if the requests being made are reasonable.

They May Become More Dependent

When an aging relative lives with you, it’s very easy for them to rely on you for their needs.

That much is a good thing. The problem is that this can go too far.

Your family member may start to rely on you for things they can do themselves.

For example, if your family member finds it difficult to stand up, it’s very tempting to start fetching whatever they need. Some seniors will even expect you to do so.

But, fetching and carrying like this means that the senior is moving less, which will tend to make any physical problems worse. It’s not good for you either, as you have extra work on your plate.

Over time, such patterns can mean the senior is much less independent than they could be – and that’s not good for anyone.

They Might Be Lonely

Living with family sounds like the perfect solution for loneliness, but it doesn’t always work that way. Some seniors end up feeling lonelier with family than they ever did on their own.

One reason is that they’ve moved house. Moving often uproots people from their previous connections, some of which they’ve had for a long time. Rebuilding a network of social connections takes time and energy. Some seniors may simply not have the willpower to do so.

The problem is worse for seniors who don’t have their own transportation and those who are homebound.

Another reason is that the family is often busy, while the senior isn’t. It can be disheartening to watch everyone rush about and not have much time to stop and connect.

In contrast, when seniors are in retirement communities, nursing homes, assisted living facilities, or even senior housing, there are often many similarly aged people nearby. This makes it easier to form friendships.

Moving a Family Member in with You Can Bring Up Old Wounds

Parents and their adult children have a long history, with plenty of complexities along the way. This history can crop up in all kinds of ways, especially when you’re living with one another once again.

The shift in power dynamic plays a part in this.

When you lived with your parents as a child, they had authority over you. When they live with you, you’re the homeowner. You end up being in the position of power, which can create difficult dynamics, especially if your aging parent still wants to be in control.

Relationships between parents and children are difficult enough when you aren’t in the same house. Being in such proximity to one another can easily make everything worse.

And remember, you’re going to have bad days, as will they.

It Might Be Costly

There will often be some initial costs in having your family member live with you. For example, you might need to do some home modifications to make the environment safe for your family member, like installing grab bars or getting new furniture that is easy to get up out of.

The act of moving them to your place can be expensive too, especially if they have a lot of stuff or are moving a long way.

And, even if your family member is contributing, having them live with you could cost you money. This is particularly true if their health is deteriorating and they need more help over time.

For example, you might find that they need more medical supplies over time and other products to help them stay independent. Even the cost of simple products, like wet wipes and adult diapers for incontinence, can add up over time.

Your power bill might be affected too, especially if the senior is largely housebound or if they rely on an oxygen machine of some type.  

Increased Infection Risks

Having a senior living with you won’t keep them completely safe from COVID-19, the seasonal flu, or other contagious illnesses.

Their exposure could even be higher living with you than at a nursing home. After all, you and your family members may have regular interactions with other people, especially for work and school.

Even if you’re careful, it’s hard to completely control your home environment.

Other Thoughts

Deciding whether to have a family member live with you isn’t just a matter of weighing up the pros and the cons. Your own values will come into play too. Expectations might influence your decision too, including your own expectations of yourself, along with those of your parents, your extended family, society, and your culture.

What Do You Want?

When making the decision, it’s important to think closely about the outcomes that you want.

What are you trying to achieve? How do you want things to play out in the long-term? Here are some areas to think about:

• Timing. How long will your family member live with you? For a year or two? Until they find their own place? For the rest of their lives?
• Finances. Who pays for what? Your family member probably has some income, but it might not be a large amount. Even if they’re able to pay their share of the household expenses, will they be willing to? Will you charge them board or only for utilities? What about things you need to do for them? For example, will you charge them for gas if you need to drive them around regularly?
• Support. What type of support are you willing to provide? And, perhaps more importantly, what are you not willing to do?

Whatever your goals are, it’s crucial that everyone is on the same page – before your family member moves in.  

Pay Attention to Your Motivations

Your motivations matter too.

Be honest. Do you want to be moving a family member in with you?

Or, are you making the decision because you feel like you should? Perhaps there’s pressure from your family or your culture. Or, perhaps there’s just an underlying sense of obligation.

Guilt is a powerful motivator – and a dangerous one.

Having a parent move in with you because you think you should can breed resentment. It’s easy to be feel that your situation is unfair and unreasonable (and many caregivers do). Even if you don’t think this at first, the feeling can creep up over time and will influence your relationship with your family member.

This, in turn, influences your ability to support them. The situation isn’t good for anyone’s mental health either.  

Things Change

When thinking and planning, don’t focus only on how things are right now.

Life doesn’t tend to remain the same. Things shift and change.

Say you have young kids at home. They’ll be teenagers at some point, which comes with its own challenges. What happens if you don’t have the time and energy to support your kids as they grow because supporting your parent takes all of your energy?

Your situation might change too. Perhaps you get a new job or a promotion. Or, on the other hand, you might lose your job. You might get sick. Your partner might get sick.

The senior’s health is likely to change too. Health tends to decline as people age. Many seniors will become more physically dependent over time.

While the changes in life aren’t always predictable, thinking about them is important.

If the idea of your parent living with you is only just okay when everything seems good, what happens when life is much more difficult?

Don’t Expect It to be Perfect

Another important area is this – there will be some good parts and some bad parts.

Spending time with someone, even someone you love, is always a mixed experience. There will be plenty of fun moments, positive memories, and times where everything goes well. And, there will be difficult ones too.

Even if you’re on the same page most of the time, every so often your wants and needs will be very different. Sometimes you’ll be having a bad day, sometimes they will be.

The goal isn’t to create a perfect family home. Instead, you’re trying to create an environment that is healthy for everyone.

Be Clear

If you’re going ahead with the approach – make sure to be clear about everything right from the beginning. This includes the expectations and requirements of each party.

It’s best to have some type of written agreement too, so each person knows exactly where they stand. Doing this with family might seem strange, but having things written down can make a large difference further down the line.

After all, if you’ve been living together for a year or two, it would be easy to forget the original agreement or get confused about what was said.

Make sure you talk about the long-term too. What happens if your family member needs more support than you can provide? Or if the situation just doesn’t work out.

You may need to create boundaries too. This is particularly important if you’re dealing with a manipulative senior or one who wants you to do everything for them. After all, you’re not responsible for making sure the senior is happy or they have everything that they want.

A forum member on the AgingCare community described the situation perfectly:

Obviously the thoughts here don’t apply to all situations, especially for seniors with dementia who cannot fully understand what is happening. Even so, the underlying idea is still true – you need to focus on your own needs too.

Should You Do It?

In the right situation, having your parent living with you has many more pros than cons.

And, in some cases, the fact that you’re close to them to provide support will outweigh most potential problems. After all, caregiving comes with many disadvantages, but countless adult children choose to be caregivers.

The most important thing is to weigh up the situation for yourself and make an informed decision. You’re trying to get the best outcomes for everyone. Doing so might mean having your family member live at home. Or, perhaps they need to live somewhere else.

As countless caregivers can tell you – moving your aging parent in can go badly, for them and for you.

In the end, it’s worth remembering that having your parent live with you is rarely the only option. Leaving them on their own, turning to a nursing home, or assisted living may all feel unkind, but doing so could easily be better for them in the long-term. After all, living with a stressed, resentful, and overworked child isn’t going to be fun for any senior.

Even if it feels like it, you’re not obligated to let be a caregiver or to have your aging parent as a house guest. Your needs matter too.