Never Say Never – Why Adult Children Can’t Always Keep The Promises They Make

It’s a common story. Adult children often promise to support their parents, to help ensure the parent will be able to age safely in their own home. This promise is made with the best intentions. Putting an aging parent in assisted living or a nursing home feels like abandonment.

Even thinking about doing so might make us feel like a failure, like we’re given in too soon.

Perhaps we could try harder, dig in deeper, and push through. After all, our parents are depending on it.

Plus, many aging parents don’t want to go anywhere. They want to remain in their own homes, in the environment that they control. Some might be happy in an apartment or moving in with you, but the idea of assisted living can seem terrifying.

They may place pressure on you, perhaps saying that they wouldn’t be happy anywhere else or even suggesting that you’re abandoning them.

The situation can be difficult and overwhelming. Yet, pushing through isn’t always the answer. There is an upper limit to the amount of care and support that you can provide.

Sometimes you do need to step back and let someone else take over. This may mean hiring an in-home caregiver for a while or it could mean looking for a facility that provides the senior with the support they need.

Why Do We Break These Promises?

The biggest problem isn’t that adult children are breaking promises, but that they’re making them in the first place.

We make promises with the best intentions. We want our parents to be happy and have everything they need. The request that they age at home might not seem too difficult either.

Many of us don’t think all that much about old age, until we’re forced to. It’s a scary topic and life is busy. This means that we might make promises about our parents’ futures, without having any idea of what to expect. 

After all, we’re used to our parents being competent and in-control. We may not fully realize or be able to imagine just how much this can change or how suddenly.

It’s much better to say that you’ll do your best. That you’ll support your family member how you can. Because honestly, no matter how much reading, research, and planning you do, you have no way to know what the future will look like.

What The Father Tells Us About The Situation

I recently watched The Father, with Anthony Hopkins and Olivia Colman. The movie is confusing, dark, and harrowing in places, which isn’t surprising, as it depicts the experience of a dementia patient.

There are many interesting things about The Father that we won’t talk about here (you can see my full review of the movie here).

But, I do want to talk a little about the experience of Olivia Colman’s character. She loves her father and attempts to support him throughout the film. Yet, her attempts are often met with frustration, suspicion, or outright rejection by her father.

He is cruel at times, saying mean things about her, while saying that he much prefers her sister.

As the film progresses, it becomes clear that Anthony Hopkins’ character (also called Anthony) has very little sense of what is going on around him. Times, places, and people become confused in his mind, and he sometimes cannot distinguish between reality, memory, and imagination.

While I wouldn’t quite call the movie enjoyable, it is thought-provoking and complex. The film is worth watching even if you’re not caring for a dementia patient, as offers some insight into what caregiving can sometimes look and feel like. You can rent or buy it digitally on Amazon.

I’m bringing The Father up because Olivia Coleman’s character gets to the point where she decides to place her father in a nursing home and move to Paris. Doing so is a heart-wrenching decision for her, but in many ways a wise decision too, as the strain of caring for her father had led to her previous divorce some years earlier.

Her father clearly suffers and struggles while he is in the nursing home. He has little memory of his time there, thinking that he has just arrived, when he has been there for months. There is a heart-breaking moment right at the end of the film where he is overwhelmed, crying, and asking for his mother.

Should Olivia Coleman’s character feel guilty for leaving him there?

If she were a real person, she probably would feel guilt. That’s part of being a loving daughter.

But, the things that her father is struggling with are hallmarks of dementia. The confusion, loss of time, and sense of being overwhelmed would all still happen if the father still lived with his daughter.

Those experiences might even be worse, as the staff at the assisted living facility are trained in dementia care. They know how to respond and can provide a stable environment. Few caregivers can do this in their own homes, especially if they have their own lives and jobs to manage as well.

Supporting Your Parents Isn’t Necessarily Better

Dementia care isn’t the only time where your parent being in some type of facility might be better for them.

I know. It’s tempting to think that their lives will always be better if they’re living with you or if they’re living on their own with your support. You love them and you know them. This gives you an advantage over any paid staff member, right?

Well… not necessarily.

Your Lack Of Training and Experience 

For one thing, most informal caregivers aren’t trained. Some will have read books, blogs, and websites, so they have a sense of what to do, but this isn’t true for everyone. Even then, there’s plenty of information that you can’t learn by reading.

As a caregiver, you can figure most things out through a combination of trial, error, and research. You may be able to get advice from your parents primary care physician and from other caregivers, but, you won’t always find the optimal solution.

Figuring things out on the fly isn’t the best practice for you or your family member either, especially as you may make some poor decisions along the way.

You’re Just One Person

Everyone has their limits. It doesn’t matter how dedicated and dedicated you are, you can’t do everything. Many caregivers learn this the hard way, becoming fatigued and overwhelmed with the demands of caregiving, work, and other parts of life.

You might do all you can to push through this fatigue. Perhaps you’ll give up things that matter to you, like work or relationships.

But, even if you can continue to provide care, the price may be too high. Fatigued caregivers tend to be less effective at their role. They may find it difficult to make good decisions, may be sharp with their family members more often, and even fail to provide care in some areas.

This isn’t so surprising.

No one functions well when they are physical or mentally exhausted. Caregivers are no exception to that pattern.

Because of this, trying to force yourself through exhaustion to provide care is often counterproductive. The cost to you is high and you’re not supporting your family member as much as you might think.

Baggage From The Past

The relationship between children and their parents is often complicated.

That’s no surprise really, as they raised you and you’ve had a long relationship with them – one that’s been through plenty of rocky ground over the years. Plus, the child supporting their aging parents can feel like a reversal in roles, one that can lead to tension.

Even if you have a good relationship with your parents and communicate with them well, issues are likely to come up from time-to-time. If your relationship is tense and conflicted instead, then you can expect many more complexities.

Some caregivers find that their parents won’t listen to advice from them, but will take that same advice willingly from anyone else. Others find that their parents don’t take them seriously, not accepting that their child might know more in some areas.

And, if nothing else, it’s hard to practice ‘tough love’ with your family member when you need to. Many of us hope that that the gentle and kind approach will work better, even when it clearly isn’t effective.

You Can’t Fix Everything

Adult children sometimes find, to their frustration, that nothing they do is ever good enough. It might seem that your parent wants more and more, without thought for what you want or need.

This can be an indication that it’s time to step back.

Take a close look at what your family member needs versus what they want.

Making their life perfect isn’t your job. Nor is making them happy. You can’t solve every issue for them anyway. Life comes with its hardships and some of these do get worse with age.

Setting boundaries can be an important tool here. Doing so involves being clear about what you will accept, what you want, and what happens if they go over your boundaries. Setting boundaries can seem difficult at first, but it is an essential process.

Our posts on tough conversations can help you to address the topic well and find ways forward.

Remember too that if your family member is determined to be unhappy (and some are), you can’t force them to feel differently.

A person’s happiness comes from themselves much more than it does from the environment around them. This is why some people suffer even when life is going well, while others manage to stay content and even happy, despite horrible circumstances.

Many People Enjoy the Change

Assisted living facilities and nursing homes get a bad rap. Aging adults often hate the idea because the environment is unfamiliar, and it feels like they’re giving up their freedom and independence.

Yet, many find that they enjoy themselves. This is particularly true for retirement villages and assisted living facilities, as they often provide activities and many opportunities for social connection.

Some seniors find a second lease of life in such environments, as they are surrounded by people of a similar age. Plus, they have less to stress about, like no need to worry about home maintenance or perhaps even food prep.

This effect is often true for seniors who originally wanted to age at home and even those who are resistant about the idea of living somewhere else.

Final Thoughts

In the end, aging at home is an ideal that isn’t always possible. Sometimes seniors need more care and support than you can ever provide at home. Their physical and mental health could easily improve when they’re a nursing home or assisted living.

Other times you might have to prioritize your own needs. This is particularly true if your family member is difficult, emotionally immature, or even abusive.