The Problem Of Parents Hiding Health Information and What You Can Do

Have you run into the problem of parents hiding health information? Perhaps you were left in the dark about their health, finding out months or even years later about a key diagnosis, including something as serious as cancer?

It’s a confusing situation, one that can quickly become overwhelming.

You might feel shocked, confused, or hurt to find out that they were hiding the information from you. The emotions may be even more overwhelming if you learn about the diagnosis at the same time as you learn that they were hiding it.

It’s easy to take the affront personally. To feel like your family member doesn’t love you and doesn’t trust you.

But, is that really the case or is there something else going on?

We All Choose The Information We Share

First of all, we all make decisions about sharing and hiding information. Few of us tell everybody everything. Doing so would quickly be impractical (and frustrating for the people in our lives).

Instead, we filter information. We pick and choose what we say and who we say it to.

If we don’t see a person often, we might only tell them the most important pieces of information or the ones they’ll be the most interested in. Likewise, if that person is under stress, we mightn’t tell them anything that makes them feel bad.

What we say is also influenced by our desire to protect ourselves.

Most of us have some topics that we’re fine with everyone knowing, while others are more sensitive. We might tell our close family members or perhaps no one at all.

Take a mental health diagnosis for example. If you were diagnosed with depression, you might be cautious with who you tell, especially as people’s reactions can be varied and not always helpful.

Similarly, you might not tell everyone you know about a death in the family because you don’t want to constantly be reminded about it. Instead, you would probably inform those who knew the family member personally and perhaps not anyone else.

This much is probably obvious.

But, the question remains, why filter information from family? As it turns out, there are multiple reasons why people do so.

People Have Different Priorities

The main reason for parents hiding health information is priorities. We all have different ones.

While communication with family members might be high priority for you, your parents may focus on different areas first. This doesn’t mean that they love you any less or that they don’t trust you.

The following topics are some reasons why your parent may keep the information hidden.

They’re Protecting You

If you have a lot going on, or perhaps even if you don’t, your parent might want to spare you the stress and worry of what is going on for them.

For example, if they have some unexpected symptoms or a suspicious lump, the early steps involve testing and consultation. It takes awhile before anyone knows whether there’s a serious problem.

Many parents won’t involve you until they know that things are serious.

After all, why put you through all that worrying when there’s no need? You knowing won’t change the diagnosis and your parent isn’t likely to need assistance this early on.

Remember too, your parents are still your parents. Even if your mother or father has a serious health condition, they may try to protect you from stress or worry for as long as they can.

They Need Time To Process

Health diagnoses can be scary. Terrifying, even. While some of us would run immediately to family or friends for support, others prefer to process on their own to begin with.

After all, once you tell someone about a diagnosis, you have their reactions to deal with along with your own. This can be overwhelming when you’re barely coping with the idea as it is.

So, some parents will choose to hold onto the information for a while – to sit with it and process it, before they’re willing to share it.

This decision doesn’t mean they’re being selfish or that they don’t care about you. It’s simply that, for the moment, they need to take care of themselves first. This isn’t so surprising, as it’s their health and it affects them more than anyone else.

They’re Afraid

Some people shut down when they’re afraid. They don’t want to talk about the issue and they certainly don’t want others knowing how they feel.

For a senior with a scary health diagnosis, keeping the story under wraps for as long as possible might help to squash that fear. Somehow telling anyone else, even a loved one, makes the situation seem much more real.

Plus, each new person who learns about the diagnosis is one more person that will ask questions about it. This alone can be frustrating for a senior who is trying not to be stressed about their health.  

They Want To Be Treated Normally

Having a serious health condition or a disability changes the way that people are seen. People in this situation often find that others are fast to see their limitations and what they cannot do – and slow to see the autonomy that the person still has left.

Yet, in practice, most people can still do many things for themselves. Maintaining their own independence and autonomy is important, especially if they have a deteriorating condition.

Some seniors worry about telling their children about health conditions in case the child tries to ‘take over’. Others simply don’t want to be asked ‘how are you feeling’ or ‘what do you need’ all the time.

It’s Not Your Business

Some parents, although not all, may feel like their health isn’t your business. This might be because it doesn’t directly affect you or because what they’re dealing with is too personal.

For example, if your elderly parent can still care for themselves well, you probably don’t want to know about a urinary tract infection. In fact, most short-term health problems mightn’t be that relevant to you.

Other problems might affect you, but are difficult for the senior to talk about, like incontinence. You might need to broach that subject yourself. If you do so, focus on being compassionate and don’t blame them for not telling you. The topic is hard enough on its own, blame is likely to shut the whole conversation down.

There Are Generational Differences

Finally, each generation has its own norms and expectations. Talking about emotions and personal issues has become common these days, but this hasn’t always been the case.

Indeed, many seniors are reluctant to talk about their emotions, often seeing this as a private matter, rather than something to be shared.

From this perspective, the decision not to share health information may simply be a matter of values.

What Can You Do?

We’re all different than each other, with our own values, priorities, experiences, and internal lives. Your parent has every right to not to be up-front about their health.

Still, the situation can be frustrating. There are also times where you need to know about their health, so you can protect them. For example, knowing your family member has cancer can help you to get systems in place so that they have support when they need it.

The first step, as always, is to talk about it.

As with any difficult conversation, don’t focus on what they ‘should’ do. Should is a loaded word and it isn’t accurate anyway.

Instead, talk to them about why you want to know. For example…

• Knowing about their health helps you to be prepared in case they need urgent support or things change suddenly.
• The knowledge puts you in a better place to be their advocate, should they ever need one. For example, if they are in an accident or are unconscious, knowing their health history is critical for making the right decisions.
• Being in the loop can make you feel less stressed, not more stressed, as you know what’s going on and can work on ways to help.
• You feel rejected, dismissed, and hurt when your family member doesn’t tell you.
• You worry more when they keep you in the dark, especially when there are symptoms of a problem and you have no idea why.
• Their health affects you and the rest of the family. It does so at an emotional level, as you want your family to be healthy and to live for a long time – and at a practical level. After all, family plans may need to be different if they’re sick. And, if they have a degenerative condition, the impacts are likely to get more significant as time goes on.

Be respectful of their boundaries too. If your parent doesn’t want to tell you everything or doesn’t want your help right now, that’s their decision. Trying to push over their boundaries isn’t fair and will only serve to damage your relationship with them.

Be Available

The final important thing is to simply be available. Make it clear that you’ll be there to talk and help them when they want you to be and not when they don’t.

This provides them with the autonomy that they’re looking for, while still giving you a way to be there for them.

Making this offer might seem counterproductive, as it gives your parent an easy way to shut you out. But, most of the time, that’s not what happens. Instead, the lack of pressure means your parent is likely to talk to you more and to come to you when they need help.

And, in the end, this really is all you can do.

If your parent doesn’t want to share health information with you, trying to bully them into it won’t work. That would be a frustrating process for them and for you, one that would probably lead to more information being hidden, not less.

What If You’re A Caregiver?

Health information becomes even more important if you’re a caregiver for your parent (or for both of them). In this situation, you need to know as much as possible about their health.

Having the knowledge helps you to support them better, to make sure they take their medication, that they’re eating the right foods, and to be their advocate at the doctor’s office.

However, the same principles apply here as in any other situation. Your parent may still want autonomy, may still be afraid, and may not want to stress you. These issues can even be heighted in the caregiving situation, as the parent may already feel like they have limited control over their own life.

Once again, it helps to be available and respectful. Talk to them about why knowing matters to you, with an emphasis on their autonomy. Don’t forget that they have the right to say no. Even if this makes your role harder, your parent might still hide health information from you. The best you can do here is to gently remind them that knowing what is happening makes a large difference to you.