Help! My Aging Father Came Out as Gay

There is much to celebrate when someone comes out as gay. The moment is a huge and crucial part of their journey towards self-authenticity, which includes acknowledging who they truly are and what matters to them.

Yet, some adult children struggle when aging parents come out as gay. The situation can stir up a whole raft of emotions, including sorrow, anger, despair, denial, frustration, and blame.

In fact, if your aging father came out as gay, your first response might actually be that of anger and blaming. Such reactions can feel very out of place, especially if you’ve never considered yourself homophobic and care deeply about your father.

So, what’s going on? Why do you feel so many different and perhaps unexpected things – and what can you do about them?

Why An Aging Father Coming Out Can Be Difficult

There are a few different factors at play here. Most apply not just to an aging father coming out, but also to similar situations with other family members or other times when your perception of someone changes dramatically.

There’s A Grief Process

Some of the emotions associated with coming out are very similar to those found with grief – including denial, anger, bargaining, despair, and acceptance. And, just like grief, these stages can be messy. You might hit them in a different order, find that you bounce between them, or even skip some altogether.

Why grief? No one has died.

Except, in a sense, someone has.

Part of your mind is grieving the version of your father you knew before. The version that you thought was authentic.

Your father’s revelation doesn’t just change your view of him now either. You may find that you’re re-considering many memories and seeing them in a new light.  

Plus, if your aging father came out as gay in his 60s or beyond – you’ve been emotionally connected with his previous identity for a long time. While it’s healthy and authentic that he is embracing his sexual orientation, it’s also not surprising that part of you struggles with the change.

In fact, some people go through this grief process before coming out themselves and during other large life changes.

Recognizing the process as grief doesn’t stop the emotions from coming up. But, having some framework can make them easier to respond to and shows that you won’t be stuck feeling like this forever.

Your Identity Is Associated With His

Another challenge is your own identity. We’re all defined by our parents in some ways, even when we’re adults and have flown the nest.

For example, your parents’ relationship may have influenced your own views about marriage and romance.

What if they had an apparently solid 30+ year marriage that ultimately ended around the time your father came out? That happens – more often than you might think.

If some of your identity was influenced by your parents’ relationship, then learning that your father is attracted to men can be quite a curveball. It forces you to look at parts of who you are. To re-evaluate.

A similar pattern is true in other areas.

For example, if you admired your father’s honesty and have modeled it yourself, the realization that he was dishonest in some areas could be overwhelming.

Anything that rocks your own sense of self and identity is likely to throw up a huge range of emotions.

It’s A Messy Situation

The process of coming out as an adult or an older adult is more complicated than doing so earlier in life.

After all, if your aging father is coming out now, he’s spent much of his life hiding his sexual orientation. He may have also felt ashamed of it and denied it even to himself.

Many men have built an entire life where everyone has assumed they’re heterosexual.

Coming out can be… messy.

There will be all types of reactions. Many people will be supportive. Hopefully most of them will be. But there are others who will be upset or who need time to come to grips with it all.

There may be other factors too.

For example, why is your father coming out now?

Men who come out late in life often do so because of a significant event, like divorce or a death. If this happens, there are all the emotions and challenges surrounding that event as well. 

And, there are reactions to other people’s reactions, with family members potentially taking sides against one another.

Remember too that the senior coming out is probably quite sensitive as well. After all, they’re putting themselves out there, perhaps in a way that they never have before. Doing so can be terrifying.

It Can Mess With Your Trust

If an aging parent is just coming out, it means they’ve been actively keeping a secret from you your entire life. That’s a tough pill to swallow.

It’s also easy to wonder if there are other things they haven’t told you. Perhaps it feels like you can’t trust them anymore.

Such emotions do typically fade over time.

It may also help to remember that any secret keeping wasn’t personal. Your aging father wasn’t keeping a secret from you specifically. He was keeping a secret from everyone.

He may have also struggled with admitting his sexual orientation to himself.

Still, even with this knowledge, it may take time before you feel like you can trust him again. You might even find your faith in other parts of your

What Can You Do?

Consider Therapy

Therapy is relevant for many different situations – including this one.

A good therapist can help you to work through your emotional reactions and understand why you feel what you do. They’ll also be able to help you with the next steps, which is incredibly valuable if you feel confused and overwhelmed.

Honestly, therapy is underrated.

We often think of it as a tool for people with mental health conditions or who are really struggling, but therapy can help pretty much anyone to find new ideas, strategies, and ways forward in their life.

In-person therapy tends to be the most powerful, but you can also experiment with online therapy.

Be Compassionate

Your aging father probably made some mistakes – perhaps big ones.

He may have lied to you to keep his secret, may have had an affair (or affairs), may have made stupid decisions… or something else entirely.

While it’s easy to be judgmental and angry, remember that your father is human and has been carrying a big secret for a long time. All of us make mistakes – sometimes huge ones.

Why not suspend judgment?

Whatever was done is done. Besides, your father is probably beating himself enough all on his own.

You might also think about just how hard life has been for him. Aging parents coming out in their 60s or beyond grew up in very repressive eras. Revealing their sexual orientation was often actually dangerous and certainly wasn’t socially acceptable.

Such environments can wreak havoc on a person’s self-image and self-worth.

Take Time If You Need To

If your emotions are strong, it may actually be best to step back from your aging parent for a while. This way you can find your way through the situation and the emotions of it without devastating your father in the process.

One way to do this may be to say something along the lines of “I love you, but I need time to process.”

It may be difficult to step back and your father may find the process hurtful. Still, doing may be wise if you’re dealing with strong negative emotions like anger – as those emotions sometimes come out in unexpected and painful ways.

Trust That Things Will Get Better

The initial shock of a parent coming out is often difficult.

Some of the changes they make can come with challenges too, like if your father starts acting more effeminate, changes the way he dresses, or finds a boyfriend.

Thankfully, things get easier.

Many families reach a new normal and get to the point where things start to feel good again. The relationship between you and your aging father may also improve, as there is now more honesty than ever before.

The same is true if it’s another family member who comes out. There’s an adjustment period, after which things normally start to settle down

Sometimes it helps to simply trust that things will improve – even if it doesn’t look or feel like that right now. This type of trust also helps family members to interact positively with each other, rather than blaming or picking fights.

Have Conversations

What helps the most is often talking things through and seeking to understand.

Rather than being upset that he lied about some things, why not ask him to fill in the gaps? Perhaps he could tell you about parts of his history that he’s never been able to before.

Such conversations can help you understand why your father made the decisions that he did and make it easier to connect with him again.

You may even find places where you can help and support him.

Final Thoughts

Many families go through practical and emotional challenges when an aging father (or mother!) comes out – especially when the revelation catches everyone by surprise.

It’s a hard thing when a revelation completely changes your view of a person.

Yet, at the heart of it all, your father hasn’t changed. Everything that mattered to you before is still there – he’s simply being more honest.

You might feel some difficult things right now. That’s okay. Those emotions will settle with time.