Can a Sibling Prevent You from Seeing an Elderly Parent?

Family drama is a fact of life, especially when it comes to fights between siblings. Sometimes, the drama is minor and quickly solved over a glass of wine. Other times, fights can last years and lead to long-term estrangement.

Add aging, end-of-life, caregiving, and Power of Attorney into the mix and everything gets more complicated again.

Some families pull together, put their differences aside, and create something truly special, but that often isn’t the case. The situation can easily bring out the worst in families instead, amplifying resentments and dramas that were already in place.

That’s where today’s question comes from – can a sibling prevent you from seeing an elderly parent? Crucially, does a sibling have any right to restrict your access? What can you do if this is happening?

This advice focuses on suggestions based on likely situations and does not constitute legal advice. It’s always important to consult experts, as nuances of your situation and your location will have distinct impacts.

The Legal Side of Things

In Most Situations

Generally, adults have the right to choose who they see.

So, if your elderly parent wants to see you, your sibling has no right to prevent you from doing so. It’s as simple as that.

But… there are a few situations that might change things.

If Your Parent Lives in Your Sibling’s Home

There are two competing factors when a parent lives with your sibling:

• The parent’s right to choose who they see
• The sibling’s right to decide who comes into their home

Let’s be honest, if your sibling really doesn’t like or perhaps trust you, then it’s not unreasonable to say you can’t visit. Few of us want people we don’t like inside our homes.

It’s likely that in most cases, the parent’s right to see you wins out. Your sibling can’t use their home as an excuse to not let you see your parent (similarly, you couldn’t use this as a reason to stop a father from seeing their kid).

This doesn’t mean they’re obliged to let you into their house, just that they need to provide opportunities for you to see your parent. What this looks like depends on the situation. You might need to take your parent out for a few hours or only visit at specific times.

If you were to take the legal route with this, a judge would probably look at whether the sibling was being ‘unreasonably’ restrictive. Your sibling certainly has the right to create boundaries around when you visit and what you can do, especially if they’re also providing hands-on caregiving and are trying to stick to a routine. But, they shouldn’t be using such boundaries as a tool to intentionally restrict your access.

If You’re Putting Your Parent at Risk

If you’re harming your parent or putting them at risk, then it’s no surprise a sibling wants to stop you from seeing your aging parent.

This is important to discuss, as it’s possible to cause harm without realizing you’re doing so.

I saw an example of this in a discussion on the AgingCare caregiving forums, where one adult child was strongly opposed to the parent being in assisted living. They tended to argue with staff members and sometimes directly interfered with the parent’s treatment, like giving them treats that weren’t in the diet plan or trying to move them without assistance.

While this person was genuinely trying to help, they ended up causing harm. The situation could have also worsened if their access wasn’t restricted.

In this and many situations, the healthcare proxy has the responsibility of making care and treatment decisions for the senior. Going against these plans could easily harm your parent – even if the potential for harm isn’t obvious to you.

If Your Parent Lacks Decision Making Capacity

Some parents may lack decision making capacity (or they’ve been ruled legally incompetent, which is a similar idea, with a few differences). If this is the case, then a proxy, surrogate, or guardian will be responsible for making decisions for them.

That decision maker might be your sibling.

Whether this person can restrict your access depends on their Living Will and the laws in your state.

For example, the statutes in Arizona require the proxy to “encourage and allow contact” between the principal and anyone who has a significant relationship with the principal. Similarly, the proxy cannot “limit, restrict or prohibit reasonable contact”. But, this is dependent on the Living Will. If the Living Will gives the proxy the power to decide or if it restricts contact with some people – then the proxy may indeed be able to limit your access. 

In Arizona, the proxy needs to petition the court if they feel they need to restrict your access. The rules may differ in another state, but generally things need to be serious for anyone to say a child can’t visit their aging parent.

The healthcare proxy, surrogate, or guardian is the only family member who might have the authority to limit your access to your aging parent. If they’re not in this position, then they don’t have the right to make such decisions.

If Your Sibling is Manipulative

This may be the toughest situation, as manipulation is often subtle and can be difficult to prove.

If your sibling spends a lot of time with your aging parent and you don’t, your parent could start taking on some of your sibling’s views about you. The best way to spot this is if your parent’s orientation to you has significantly changed since before they were close to your sibling.

A manipulative sibling could convince your parent that they don’t want to see you anymore. Or, the sibling could be sneaky with schedules, so that the only times available for you to see your parent are very difficult for you to manage.

You’d likely need evidence of what your sibling is doing to do anything about this legally. Their past may be relevant too, especially if they have a history of being manipulative or other family members have noticed similar patterns.

Related Situations

Sometimes things are a little different than they first appear. In the following situations, your sibling might not actively be restricting you from seeing your parent, but it might still feel like they are. 

If Your Parent Doesn’t Want To See You

What if it’s actually your parent who doesn’t want to see you?

This won’t always be obvious either. Sometimes your sibling might act as ‘the bad guy’ because your parent doesn’t want to admit they don’t want to see you. Other times, you might think the sibling is turning your parent against you, when actually your parent’s perspectives are their own.

Ultimately, your parent has the right to refuse to see you. Your sibling isn’t obliged to mend the bridge either, especially if their hands are full with being a caregiver.

Still, this doesn’t mean you need to walk away. Family conflicts can often be improved or resolved through conversation and listening, especially when everyone is willing to hear the other people out. You could also involve a third party to act as a mediator.

If a Facility Won’t Allow You In

Another situation is when a facility restricts you from seeing your aging parent. This is most likely if you’ve been regularly breaking their rules, like by arguing with staff members or visiting while drunk.

Your sibling could also play a role in this, like if they were complaining to staff members about you. Even so, staff don’t tend to restrict family members unless they have an exceptionally good reason.

There’s likely space to resolve things too. You should be able to talk to facility staff about their specific issues and how to make it so you can spend time with your loved one when it matters most.

What You Can Do

Think Carefully About What Is Happening

When considering this issue, it’s important to think about perceptions versus reality.

For example, on the forums, one member talked about regularly turning away her sibling when he came to visit. The issue wasn’t the sibling visiting, but the fact that he did so unpredictably.

The caregiver here focused on having a consistent daily routine, which helped her and the aging parent. Sudden changes to routine caused distress and disruption, making an already difficult day much worse.

Here, the best solution may have been for the siblings to work on a plan where visits could be timed to cause minimal disruption. It could even be possible to time the visits so the caregiver could go out and get a break for an hour or so.

Consider Helping More

If your sibling is providing full-time care, there’s a good chance that they’re stressed and overwhelmed, rather than being intentionally restrictive. It can be difficult to think straight when you’re drowning in responsibilities and have little time for yourself.

The answer here may be to find ways to help more. This could include taking your mother out for a while to give your sibling a break (a win for both of you!).

And, honestly, if one sibling is doing the bulk of the practical work, it’s probably time to step up. Full-time caregiving is immensely hard work – probably more so than you realize. Even seniors who are relatively independent pose a surprising number of challenges.

Talk to Your Sibling

If you haven’t already, try having a gentle heart-to-heart with your sibling.

Don’t go in there guns blazing and accusing them of preventing you from seeing your parent. Doing so will simply make them defensive and you’ll get nowhere.

Instead, you might start by saying you’d like to see them more and ask what would be the best way of making that happen.

Hopefully they’ll come back to you with solutions or give you some idea about the underlying issues.

Seek Advice and Make Plans

Let’s say your sibling is intentionally blocking you and has no legal right to do so, what then?

Before you make any moves, it’s best to seek legal advice. You need to know exactly what is and isn’t legal in your area. Is your sibling actually breaking the law or simply being unreasonable? Your options will be limited in the latter case.

An expert should also be able to tell you what’s likely to happen.

I mean, do you want to start a huge family drama if there’s a slim chance that anything changes?

It may also be worth asking friends or family members. Do they have a sense that your sibling is being unreasonable? If not, what are their perspectives? What about facility and healthcare staff?

Why Seek Advice

There are two big reasons for seeking advice.

The first is for strategy. The more you know about the situation, the better you can build your case so that you actually win.

For example, if your sibling has a medical PoA and claims that you can’t see your mother because it would put her at risk, her doctor may be able to counter that claim. Or, if your sibling has a financial PoA, you can argue that the PoA doesn’t provide them with the authority your sibling needs.

The other reason is blind spots – those parts about ourselves we don’t see.

Sometimes there may be valid reasons that your sibling isn’t letting you see your parent. Or, at least, reasons they aren’t going out of their way to help.  

Being willing to think about and work on your own side of the situation can make it easier to find resolutions. After all, most conflicts have two sides to them. Family members are also likely to be more responsive if you come at things from a problem-solving point of view.

Consider a Mediator

Having an uninvolved third party as a mediator can be a powerful tool. Doing so can open up conversations on both sides and help you find solutions with your siblings that you couldn’t have otherwise.

Professional mediators are an option here, including eldercare mediators, who often have considerable background in the needs of seniors and any relevant laws.

You could also take the therapeutic route, as some therapists are willing to work with family members in this way. Notably, a therapist may help you get to the heart of the challenges your family is facing. This could involve talking about deep resentments and working towards reconciliation.   

Document Everything

To change things, you’re going to need as much evidence as possible. This evidence should be collected legally. Otherwise you risk getting yourself in trouble in the process.

As you do this, consider the amount of evidence you have. Is it enough to make a difference?

Remember, you’ll need to prove that your sibling is actively preventing you from seeing your parent rather than you not visiting or your parent not wanting to see you.

This could be difficult to prove if your sibling tends to be manipulative or if you’ve mostly been reading between the lines.

Take Legal Action

Finally, if there are any legal options for your situation, you may need to take these. Just be sure to dig into the possible ramifications first.

For example, you might be advised to petition for guardianship of your mother. Having guardianship would certainly allow you to see her more but would also mean a large amount of work.

Adult Protective Services (APS) may be relevant here too, as your parent is being isolated from their family.

Final Thoughts

In most situations, siblings don’t have the legal right to prevent you from seeing your parent. Honest conversations and compromise are the best way forward, but these rely on your sibling being willing to engage. If they’re not, things get much trickier.

Legal avenues are the most obvious source of relief, which could involve getting in touch with APS. However, there’s no guarantee that you’ll see success and any legal action would dramatically harm family relationships.

There’s also the chance that a sibling has legitimate reasons for blocking you from seeing an elderly parent. Because of these issues and limitations, it’s important to be cautious and think things through. As some caregivers have discovered, this situation can be tricky every step of the way, especially if you cannot prove what you hope to.