Can a Sibling Prevent You from Seeing an Elderly Parent?

Family drama is a fact of life, especially when it comes to fights between siblings.

But, oh, somehow everything seems to get worse when it comes to caregiving and aging parents. Many caregivers have found that the situation brings out the worst in their families, amplifying resentments and dramas that were already in place.

That’s why this question – can a sibling prevent you from seeing an elderly parent?

This issue is most common when the parent lives with one sibling who is providing all the caregiving responsibilities. This sibling may actively block one or more family members from seeing the senior.

Can they do this? What are your rights in this situation?

This article does not constitute legal advice. It’s important to consult experts, as laws vary depending on location and the specifics of your situation.

The Legal Side of Things

First, adults have the right to decide who their visitors are and aren’t. This isn’t something your sibling or a care facility can control.

But… there are a couple of complexities to consider.

If Your Parent Lives with Your Sibling

Things get a little more complex if your elderly parent lives in your sibling’s home.

Because the property belongs to your sibling, they have some rights concerning who can visit. If they really don’t like you, then it’s not unreasonable to say you can’t visit (after all, many people see the home as their sanctuary).

There are other reasons too. For example, a sibling providing full-time care may not want one more person to manage in her home, even briefly.

The answer may be to take your parent out for a few hours. This gives your sibling a break and provides you a chance to connect.

If your sibling won’t consider this approach, try asking them what they are willing to do. Remind them that you have a right to be in the senior’s life and are trying to find the best way of doing so.

Remember that a family member living with the senior could be providing a considerable amount of care. They may also be overwhelmed and resentful that no one else is helpful – which is hardly surprising. As a result, it’s best to go in gently and kindly, perhaps with an offer of assistance. Telling them that they’re doing things wrong isn’t likely to go over well.

If The Parent Doesn’t Wish to See You

Adults have the right to choose who they see and who they don’t. So, if not seeing you is the parent’s choice rather than your siblings, there’s little you can do.

Here, your best option may be to find someone to act as an intermediate, then try to change your parent’s mind this way. If you’re taking that route, be sure to think carefully about the situation. Why might they not want to see you?

Sometimes the issue relates to something you have done or a pattern of behavior. If so, understanding it might help you resolve things.

However, sometimes there isn’t an obvious solution. Some seniors do simply hold grudges or make up stories that aren’t true. If your parent falls into one of these camps, changing their mind mightn’t be possible.

If Your Sibling is Manipulative

This leads us to another situation, where your sibling is being manipulative.

For example, if the sibling lives with your parent, they have the chance to say all kinds of things about you. You’re not there to defend yourself and might not even know what is being said.

Things your sibling says could easily color your parent’s opinion of you, perhaps leading them to not want to see you.

The main tool in your arsenal here is the idea of undue influence, which is something Adult Protective Services (APS) does pay attention to. However, you would need some way of showing that your parent is being influenced against you.

One sign of undue influence is if your parent’s perspectives on you have changed dramatically since living with your sibling. Another is whether your parent and sibling see you very differently than everyone else.

If The Parent Is No Longer Competent

Finally, there’s the case where your parent isn’t considered mentally competent, perhaps due to dementia. In this case, someone else may have the decision-making power about who your parent sees and who they don’t.

You’ll need to dig into this area a little, as there are nuances to consider.

Notably, competency isn’t an all or nothing idea. An aging parent may be considered legally incompetent to make certain decisions at certain times, but can still make other decisions.

For example, a senior who cannot manage their finances any more can probably still control who visits them. This is even true in the early- to mid-stages of dementia, as your parent will still have some recognition of who you are.

What Authority Does Your Sibling Have?

A big question here is the official authority that your sibling has.

If your sibling is the legal guardian of your parent or they have a Medical Power of Attorney (PoA), they may have the right to stop you seeing your parent.

This mostly applies if seeing you is likely to cause the senior considerable distress or lead to health problems (which can actually happen in some situations).

A legal guardian may also be able to restrict your visits based on whether your parent would have likely wanted to see you. However, this is a more complex situation and the answers aren’t clear cut.  

Notably, people with a financial PoA, a durable PoA, or a limited PoA may not have the legal authority to make such decisions.

In all cases, it’s important to learn about the roles, responsibilities, and restrictions concerning your sibling’s authority. There tend to be highly specific rules about the decisions that can and cannot be made as part of each role. The exact rules may also vary depending on your state.

While your sibling should understand the limits to their role, this isn’t always the case. Some people assume their authority extends further than it does. Others act beyond the scope of their role and hope that no one notices.

What You Can Do

Think Carefully About What Is Happening

When considering this issue, it’s important to think about perceptions versus reality.

For example, on the forums, one member talked about regularly turning away her sibling when he came to visit. The issue wasn’t the sibling visiting, but the fact that he did so unpredictably.

The caregiver here focused on having a consistent daily routine, which helped her and the aging parent. Sudden changes to routine caused distress and disruption, making an already difficult day much worse.

Here, the best solution may have been for the siblings to work on a plan where visits could be timed to cause minimal disruption. It could even be possible to time the visits so the caregiver could go out and get a break for an hour or so.

Consider Helping More

If your sibling is providing full-time care, there’s a good chance that they’re stressed and overwhelmed, rather than being intentionally restrictive. It can be difficult to think straight when you’re drowning in responsibilities and have little time for yourself.

The answer here may be to find ways to help more. This could include taking your mother out for a while to give your sibling a break (a win for both of you!).

And, honestly, if one sibling is doing the bulk of the practical work, it’s probably time to step up. Full-time caregiving is immensely hard work – probably more so than you realize. Even seniors who are relatively independent pose a surprising number of challenges.

Talk to Your Sibling

If you haven’t already, try having a gentle heart-to-heart with your sibling.

Don’t go in there guns blazing and accusing them of preventing you from seeing your parent. Doing so will simply make them defensive and you’ll get nowhere.

Instead, you might start by saying you’d like to see them more and ask what would be the best way of making that happen.

Hopefully they’ll come back to you with solutions or give you some idea about the underlying issues.

Seek Advice and Make Plans

Let’s say your sibling is intentionally blocking you and has no legal right to do so, what then?

Before you make any moves, it’s best to seek legal advice. You need to know exactly what is and isn’t legal in your area. Is your sibling actually breaking the law or simply being unreasonable? Your options will be limited in the latter case.

An expert should also be able to tell you what’s likely to happen.

I mean, do you want to start a huge family drama if there’s a slim chance that anything changes?

It may also be worth asking friends or family members. Do they have a sense that your sibling is being unreasonable? If not, what are their perspectives? What about facility and healthcare staff?

Why Seek Advice

There are two big reasons for seeking advice.

The first is for strategy. The more you know about the situation, the better you can build your case so that you actually win.

For example, if your sibling has a medical PoA and claims that you can’t see your mother because it would put her at risk, her doctor may be able to counter that claim. Or, if your sibling has a financial PoA, you can argue that the PoA doesn’t provide them with the authority your sibling needs.

The other reason is blind spots – those parts about ourselves we don’t see.

Sometimes there may be valid reasons that your sibling isn’t letting you see your parent. Or, at least, reasons they aren’t going out of their way to help.  

Being willing to think about and work on your own side of the situation can make it easier to find resolutions. After all, most conflicts have two sides to them. Family members are also likely to be more responsive if you come at things from a problem-solving point of view.

Consider a Mediator

Having an uninvolved third party as a mediator can be a powerful tool. Doing so can open up conversations on both sides and help you find solutions with your siblings that you couldn’t have otherwise.

Professional mediators are an option here, including eldercare mediators, who often have considerable background in the needs of seniors and any relevant laws.

You could also take the therapeutic route, as some therapists are willing to work with family members in this way. Notably, a therapist may help you get to the heart of the challenges your family is facing. This could involve talking about deep resentments and working towards reconciliation.   

Document Everything

To change things, you’re going to need as much evidence as possible. This evidence should be collected legally. Otherwise you risk getting yourself in trouble in the process.

As you do this, consider the amount of evidence you have. Is it enough to make a difference?

Remember, you’ll need to prove that your sibling is actively preventing you from seeing your parent rather than you not visiting or your parent not wanting to see you.

This could be difficult to prove if your sibling tends to be manipulative or if you’ve mostly been reading between the lines.

Take Legal Action

Finally, if there are any legal options for your situation, you may need to take these. Just be sure to dig into the possible ramifications first.

For example, you might be advised to petition for guardianship of your mother. Having guardianship would certainly allow you to see her more but would also mean a large amount of work.

Adult Protective Services (APS) may be relevant here too, as your parent is being isolated from their family.

Final Thoughts

In most situations, siblings don’t have the legal right to prevent you from seeing your parent. Honest conversations and compromise are the best way forward, but these rely on your sibling being willing to engage. If they’re not, things get much trickier.

Legal avenues are the most obvious source of relief, which could involve getting in touch with APS. However, there’s no guarantee that you’ll see success and any legal action would dramatically harm family relationships.

There’s also the chance that a sibling has legitimate reasons for blocking you from seeing an elderly parent. Because of these issues and limitations, it’s important to be cautious and think things through. As some caregivers have discovered, this situation can be tricky every step of the way, especially if you cannot prove what you hope to.