10 Potent Ways to Combat Caregiver Guilt

Caregiving is full of huge emotions. This includes some you might expect, like sadness and others that catch you off guard, like anger.

Caregiver guilt is one of these emotions and is incredibly common. Caregivers feel guilty about so many things, including what they do and what they don’t do, their emotions, their reactions, the things they don’t predict, and so much else. 

It can feel like you’re on a tightrope and constantly failing. 

Yet, you’re not. Truly. This is easy to miss when you’re in the midst of caregiving. In practice, caregivers are all doing their best and are performing their roles pretty damn well. 

The bits you get wrong generally aren’t because you’re a bad person or even a bad caregiver. They’re because you’re human. 

And… because family caregivers are thrown in the deep end. You have to figure things out as you go, often while you’re trying to balance your own life, work, and possibly kids. No wonder it’s tough. 

So, let’s closely examine caregiver guilt and what you can do about it.  

Where Caregiver Guilt Comes From

The sense of guilt isn’t the same for all caregivers. Some struggle with it much more than others. This makes sense, as the sense of guilt can come from a variety of places, including the following. 

All The Things We’re Taught

Society, family, religion, and many other things indirectly teach us to feel guilty. We often learn that we should be giving and generous all the time. That doing anything else is selfish and makes us bad people. 

These lessons can be particularly strong among families that expect too much. Emotionally immature or narcissistic parents can encourage that idea as well. 

The Expectations Of Us

Another source of guilt is failing to meet expectations. These could be your own high expectations, expectations from family members, or even social expectations. 

It’s easy to feel guilty when it seems like you’re always failing. 

Often the issue isn’t you at all. Instead, the expectations placed on you are unrealistic.

Emotional Dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation is exactly what the name suggests, you struggle to regulate your emotions. This often means your emotions are intense and overwhelming. You might experience strong emotional swings regularly, which is tough on relationships and on you. 

For some people, emotional dysregulation means that they’re always reacting to their emotions. They may also be strongly identified with their emotions. Others go in the other direction, where they push their emotions aside as much as possible, focusing instead on their rational mind. 

If you struggle with emotions like this, then guilt may hit hard and often. 

Therapeutic approaches like dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) can be helpful here. There are self-help books on the topics, such as The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. 

However, there’s a lot going on with emotional dysregulation. You may need to work with a therapist to unpick it all and find some balance. 

Burnout

Being stressed, overwhelmed, or burned out tends to make your emotional balance much harder. You’re likely to feel much more of everything, including guilt.

Ways to Decrease Caregiver Guilt

So, what can you do about caregiver guilt? 

Getting rid of it entirely isn’t realistic, nor is it a good goal, as squashing away emotions just makes them bubble up later. 

Still… some approaches can help with the guilt you feel.

I stumbled across the phrase holding space a while back, through a post on the site Uplift. In that post, author Heather Plett talked about her experience with her mother’s death and the role that one particular palliative care nurse played. The nurse ‘held space’ for her and her family, allowing them to do the same for their mother. 

Heather defines the concept like this:

I’ve heard the same idea called companioning before, where the goal is to be present with someone’s pain or discomfort, rather than trying to relieve it.

The idea is a powerful one, as you often cannot fix whatever the person your caring for is suffering from – nor is it your role to try. Providing loving support instead provides people with the space to do what they need to do, while knowing that they will always be loved.

Holding space tends to be less stressful than constantly trying to solve problems and find the best possible solutions. Doing so also means that you’re empowering the person that you are supporting. That’s ultimately better for them and you.

2. Use Self-Compassion Techniques

We’ve talked about self-compassion a few times on this site. The idea comes from Kristin Neff, who runs a site called self-compassion.org. Neff isn’t the only writer in this field, but she is one of the most widely known and her work is exceptional.

Kirsten focuses on how many of us are fantastic at being compassionate to other people, but we remain our own worst critics. Some of us have a sense that doing so is important. If we’re not hard on ourselves, then we won’t do well, right?

That idea is a little absurd, really.

Good parents know that constantly criticizing and trying to motivate their children doesn’t work at all. Love and support tend to promote much better outcomes than guilt and pressure.

The same is true in your own head. You don’t need to beat yourself up to perform well. Being kind and compassionate instead tends to be much more powerful. For more information about self-compassion, please check out our review of Kristen Neff’s Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook.

3. Find Support

Being a caregiver means that you’re consistently giving out physical and emotional energy to another person. Doing so takes energy that you need to refill. Finding support is a critical aspect of doing so.

Having other people on your side can strengthen you. The ideal is that you hold space for the person that you’re caring for, while others hold space in the same way for you.

Finding support like this isn’t always easy. This is one I know firsthand. I was never able to find much support when I was caregiving, but I did find some and those connections made a huge difference.

Caregiver support groups and women’s circles are both powerful places to look. 

In-person connections aren’t your only option. You can also look online. Caregiver forums and Facebook groups are fantastic places to find people in similar situations.

Finding other caregivers to connect with is actually one of the most powerful things that you can do for caregiver guilt – because other caregivers know exactly what you’re going through. Caregiver forums are often filled with people offering each other advice and support, with forum members often telling people who post that they are doing well.

This type of environment is perfect if you feel judged by friends and family members or if other people just don’t get it.

4. Be Realistic About Your Responsibilities

Caregiver guilt often comes from a sense of failure, from the idea that you should have done better. Yet, much of the time our expectations of ourselves weren’t realistic to begin with. Caregivers are human, after all. 

And sometimes, caregivers take emotional responsibility for things that aren’t theirs to worry about. 

A simple example is this – you’re not responsible for someone else’s happiness. 

As a caregiver, your role is to help and support. Doing so doesn’t require catering to the every whim of the person you’re caring for or compromising your own health to try and make their life perfect. 

After all, life has its ups and downs. That’s the same for all of us. And honestly, aging is uncomfortable. It can be scary and frustrating. You can’t fix that. 

In the end, each person determines how they experience life. Some find happiness and joy regardless of what is happening around them. They’re experts at finding the silver lining. Others seem determined to focus on the negative instead. 

5. Look Into the Past

It’s common to carry emotional baggage, even when we’ve had mostly positive experiences. This applies to both ourselves and those we interact with. Our past experiences shape how we view the world and others around us.

Taking the time to dig deep into your past can be very helpful. 

This is particularly relevant if you’re caring for an aging parent. After all, our parents have dramatic impacts on who we are. And, some of those impacts are unexpected. 

For example, some parents are strict and focus on always pushing their children to achieve the next goal. The approach teaches many valuable lessons, giving children the ability to push forward, to be successful, and to be motivated. But, the approach can also make some people overly harsh on themselves. 

Blame shouldn’t be the goal with this type of work. You’re not trying to focus on what your parent did ‘wrong’, but simply on what happened and what that means for you. 

The right self-help book can be a powerful tool here. Look for one that matches your situation and has an emphasis on solutions, rather than blame. 

Looking into the past like this can help address some of the underlying reasons for caregiver guilt. You may end up with a stronger sense of yourself and your rights as a person. 

Even if you don’t learn much, a focus on growth is rarely wasted. 

6. Try Therapy

You don’t need to be depressed or suicidal to benefit from therapy. In fact, therapy is a little like going to a doctor’s office. Even if you’re healthy and doing well, having a checkup from time to time is always a good idea. 

If nothing else, therapy gives you the chance to talk to someone who isn’t going to judge. You get to learn from someone else’s experience and to see things from a different perspective. 

It’s surprising just how powerful that process can be. 

A skilled therapist will be able to work with you on caregiver guilt directly. They may help you understand more about what you feel and find ways to decrease guilt. This type of learning is incredibly powerful because it is customized to you. This is something that you won’t find from any self-help book. 

Therapy can be expensive, but the benefits from even just a few sessions will often far outweigh the cost. You can also talk to your doctor and see if any programs or other types of support can help with the financial side of things. 

You can also turn to options like Talkspace. 

Talkspace is an online therapy service. You still get to work with a licensed therapist and that therapist is matched to you. The difference is that the therapy takes place online rather than in person. Talkspace allows you to use multiple devices and to communicate via text, voice, and live video.

Online therapy does have limitations, but it’s much more powerful than no therapy at all. The approach can be perfect for caregivers, as you get support when you need it, without having to visit a therapist’s office. The service isn’t cheap, but it is much less expensive than seeing an in-person therapist. 

There are advantages too, as online therapy gives you the chance for more contact with your therapist. If there’s something that you want to talk about, you don’t need to wait for your weekly or monthly session.

7. Value Yourself

Caregiver guilt often comes from putting our own needs down. From thinking that we’re always meant to put other people first. 

Yet, as self-compassion teaches, caring for yourself isn’t selfish. Your needs are just as valid as those of the person that you’re caring for. Ignoring your own needs is never a good plan anyway, as doing so means that you have fewer resources to support your loved one. 

No one wins when caregivers don’t value themselves. 

If you’re struggling with this area, take a look at the idea of a caregiver’s bill of rights. This was first developed in the book CareGiving: Helping an Aged Loved One. There have been various iterations since (not surprising, as the original book was published in 1985), but the underlying principles remain important. 

Key ideas include the following:

I have the right to: 

• Take care of my physical and mental needs. 
• Seek help and support from others, even when this goes against the wishes of my loved one. I am aware of my own limits and to provide care in the long-term, I must be supported myself. 
• To feel and act out difficult emotions sometimes, including anger, depression, and frustration. It is unreasonable to expect that I will always present a positive front. 
• Reject conscious and unconscious manipulation from the person I’m caring for.  
• Take pride in the work that I’m doing.
• To maintain parts of my life that are just for me and do not involve the person that I’m supporting. Doing so is important for my own mental health and wellbeing, and is also my right as a human. 
• To protect my individuality.  
• To receive consideration, affection, and acceptance for the support that I provide.

8. Be Mindful

Mindfulness is a trending approach – and a powerful one. It focuses on the idea of fully inhabiting the moment that you’re in, without distraction or judgment. When you’re being mindful, you’re more aware of the sensations in your body and the world around you. 

Mindfulness has been linked to many benefits, including decreased stress, better mood, and improved health. This isn’t surprising either, as being mindful involves not thinking about the past or the future, so there’s less to be worried about. 

The practice also removes some of the negative weight around ‘bad’ emotions and situations. This makes it easier to enjoy the good parts of being a caregiver and to appreciate the moments of closeness and humor, even if the positive bits are few and far between. 

Don’t worry if you’ve never thought about mindfulness before. There are many good videos, websites, and apps to help you along the way. You can begin by checking out our list of mindfulness and meditation apps. Many of these will step you through the ideas of mindfulness, teaching you how to bring the practice into your daily life. 

While the apps we highlight often use a subscription model, they do all offer some free content too. This free content can be more than enough to get you started.

9. Let Go Of Expectations

To finish off, let’s talk a little about expectations. Most of us have expectations of what we think life should look like. This often includes a sense of what is ‘right’ or ‘fair’ versus what isn’t. 

Expectations can help us to seek a good life, but they can also be very damaging. 

When reality doesn’t live up to our expectations, we tend to suffer. Life can feel incredibly unfair and it becomes very easy to focus on what we don’t have, on what we’re missing out on. 

Yet, most expectations aren’t realistic to begin with. Somehow, we’ve developed this idea that life should be nice. That it should follow predictable patterns and that the hard bits should never be too bad. That’s not how life works. Trials and tribulations are part of life too – just as much as any good thing. 

The more you can drop your expectations about how things should be, the easier life becomes. The mindfulness approach we talked about previously helps with this, as mindfulness tends to decrease your judgments about what is happening in a given moment.

10. Find Ways To Reinforce The Anti-Guilt Story

Many of the approaches we’ve been talking about touch on the idea of a belief system. 

We all have these. These are underlying beliefs, stories, and cognitions that influence us in countless ways. 

Beliefs can be powerful and propel us forward, or they can keep us stuck. Some that caregivers might hold onto include:

• I’m not good enough
• I’m not doing enough
• I’m a failure if my parent is in pain or is angry at me
• I should be stronger
• I shouldn’t complain. Other people have it worse than me

I’ll dig into these beliefs in much more detail in my upcoming book. For now, your goal is to find counterarguments for these stories and new ways of looking at things. 

Books and caregiving forums are great tools here. They can reinforce the idea that you’re doing really freaking well. 

Do you have it perfect? No. Do you have bad days? Certainly. Do you lose your temper at times? Probably. 

All of that is simply part of being human – particularly a stressed and overwhelmed human. 

Here are a few interesting books that can give you a different sense of what’s realistic for you. 

• The Conscious Caregiver. This book focuses on caregiving from a mindful perspective, showing you ways to respond to some of the things you feel. 
• Where The Light Gets In. In this book, Kimberly Williams-Paisley highlights the emotional and practical challenges her family experienced following her mother’s dementia diagnosis. 
• When Life Hits Hard. This book focuses on Acceptance and Change Therapy (ACT) for situations where life is tough. It doesn’t focus on caregiving specifically, but many of the techniques will apply to your situation. 

Final Thoughts

As you’ve probably guessed, the techniques in this post aren’t a magic fix for anything. 

Hopefully your sense of guilt will decrease over time, but you’re still likely to feel it. That’s okay. Our thoughts and emotions don’t always match what’s ‘real’. That’s simply the nature of being human. The most powerful approach is to choose, regularly, to not believe the guilt. Keep taking care of yourself and following your passions, as best you can, even if the guilt persists.