Caregivers are often fast to say that that their roles offer satisfaction and provide a way to give back to family members. This view is often entirely true, but it ignores some key issues, including the idea of caregiver resentment and anger.
In reality, most caregivers will experience resentment and anger at some points of their journey. There’s also nothing wrong with this process.
Despite what we’re often taught, all emotions have their value and their place. You might be able to push feelings like anger and resentment aside, but doing so tends to be unhealthy. You’ll often find that the emotions simply emerge in unexpected ways and at unexpected times.
The Significance of Caregiver Anger and Resentment
It’s easy to feel guilty for being angry or resentful of the person that your caring for. After all, they’re often someone you love deeply. Getting angry at them can feel like a betrayal. The emotions tend to be heavily judged in society too – making caregivers even less likely to express them.
In reality, anger and resentment are both natural emotions. We’re all human and caregiving can be a very challenging role.
- Caregivers often need to decrease their hours or even give up work entirely.
- Family members can be stubborn and may refuse help when they need it the most.
- Some caregivers are forced into the role by circumstance or other factors.
- While many caregivers are looking after loved ones, this isn’t always true. The caregiver may have a distant emotional connection with the family member or none at all. Some caregivers are even supporting family members who abused them in the past.
- Many caregivers are ‘thrown into the deep end’. They have little idea about what to expect or what the best decisions are.
- The amount of work involved can be substantial.
- Caregivers frequently become worn out physically and emotionally. This can often lead to health problems, especially if caregivers cannot care for their own needs effectively.
- It can be difficult to find time for self-care. This can compound problems, making emotions like resentment more common.
Other Negative Emotions
Of course, anger and resentment aren’t the only ‘negative’ emotions that caregivers feel. There is a whole list of possible emotions, including:
- Ambivalence
- Anxiety
- Boredom
- Disgust
- Embarrassment
- Fear
- Frustration
- Guilt
- Impatience
- Irritability
- Jealously
- Loss
- Loneliness
- Sadness
- Tiredness
The Family Caregiver Alliance offers a fantastic guide on the Emotional Side of Caregiving. That guide covers the various emotions in depth, providing information about what people feel and ways of coping with the emotions.
What You Can Do
Effective coping strategies tend to vary from one person to the next. You’ll also find that the best approaches are different depending on the situation and the emotion at hand.
This means that there is a lot of trial and error involved.
Still, there are some key strategies that can help you to work through the emotions. Such approaches can promote your health, while also encouraging a good relationship between you and your family member.
Allow the emotions
While it sounds counter-intuitive, allowing yourself to feel emotions like anger and resentment can decrease them. This doesn’t mean allowing the emotions constantly. Instead, you might choose specific moments to simply sit with them.
This may include acknowledging that they are valid emotions. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling like this. The emotions are simply a part of your situation and the human experience.
Focus on the tasks, step-by-step
There’s also a risk that you’ll end up feeling the emotions too much. This can create a feedback loop, where you end up resenting your situation more and more over time.
The site Good Therapy highlights one potential way out of this trap. As the author states, the idea is to focus on the tasks that you’re doing and the individual steps. Try not to think about how much you hate the tasks. Doing so can change your emotions over time, without you intentionally working on the problem.
Look for the good
Caregiving tends to be a combination of good moments and challenging ones. Looking for the good ones can help to reduce negative emotions, making your more grateful for the experience.
This could include focusing on enjoyable times that you get to spend with your family member or timers where they are grateful to you.
Talk or write about it
Keeping emotions bottled up is rarely a good thing. It’s much better to find healthy ways to express those emotions.
The ideal approach is to talk to others who will be supportive. This might include finding caregiver support groups or a close friend. Therapy may also be an effective idea.
If talking isn’t a viable option, you might try writing instead. Many people find journaling cathartic. Online support groups and forums can also be useful. These provide you with a way to interact with other caregivers – without having to leave home. The site AgingCare is one interesting place to get started.
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