Caregivers often hear the same phrases time again. From Christian friends, this might include the well meaning ‘I’ll pray for you’ or ‘everything happens for a reason’, while non-Christian friends might turn to ‘think positive’ or something to that effect.
Such phrases are incredibly frustrating in the middle of caregiving.
Most of the time, you need actual practical help. At the very least, it would be nice for friends and family to be sympathetic, not to be upset that you don’t feel how they think you should.
We’ve talked about the intersection between caregiving and faith before, but today we’re looking at one specific aspect of this, the idea that everything happens for a reason.
First, a caveat, I’m not a pastor nor a Bible scholar. I’m simply a former caregiver with her own Christian journey and a fascination with the Bible and how it is interpreted. Even if I were an expert, it’s always crucial to be discerning with everything you read and learn. Meditate on it. Let it sit in your heart and see how God calls you to respond.
Why Do Bad Things Happen?
On the surface, the idea that everything happens for a reason makes sense.
God is all-powerful, so he has the ability to make everything how he sees fit. This suggests that bad things serve some kind of purpose.
But, is that really the case? Perhaps things are more nuanced than that.
So, let’s look at some explanations for why the tough things happen[1].
Challenges Help Us Grow
Some of difficulties we face may be there to help us grow. That idea is referenced in the Bible, like when it talks about being refined through fire (e.g. Isaiah 48: 9-11 and 1 Peter 1:7).
We do grow the most in times of difficulty. There’s no denying that.
And, honestly, sometimes the only way to grow is to go through the hard stuff. It’s like raising kids. It doesn’t matter how much advice you give them, sometimes they’ll only learn by making mistakes themselves.
That can’t be the whole answer though, can it?
We’re sinners and have much to learn, true, but some events are too awful to be ways of refining us.
Also, constantly refining us through fire doesn’t sound like something a loving God would do. Wouldn’t he focus on gentler paths first, refining us through fire only when doing so is truly needed?
I must admit that my caregiving experience and the years that preceded it were very much refinement by fire for me. They were intense, overwhelming, and spurred incredible growth.
I was also given a choice beforehand. I stepped into that relationship and situation knowing that it would be an incredible challenge and that it would teach me what I needed to know. I could have chosen not to take that step and would have missed all the growth that came with it.
But, that’s my experience. That doesn’t make it true for everyone else.
In fact, I suspect that some caregivers aren’t where they’re meant to be at all.
There’s a Bigger Plan
Some bad times could also lead to a greater purpose, to something in the future that we don’t know or understand.
There’s support for this idea too.
We know that God sees a bigger picture than us. Sometimes what feels like a challenge or a huge disruption is needed for what comes next.
Such situations are often only obvious in retrospect. You can’t see the whole picture when you’re in the middle of it.
Spiritual Warfare
Another explanation can be found in the spiritual realm, where negative things may be the work of demonic forces, while positive things are related to God instead.
This idea is supported in the Bible and it’s one reason we need to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23) and pray regularly (Philippians 4:6-7).
We’re Not Listening
Those first two ideas should be familiar. They are big parts of the ‘everything happens for a reason’ rhetoric. The idea of spiritual warfare is important too.
But, they’re not the only explanations.
It’s actually crucial that we step away from the ultra-spiritual interpretations of the events in our lives, as those interpretations aren’t always accurate or helpful.
In particular, sometimes challenges may not be tests or part of a plan, but simply a side effect of our own decisions.
After all, God gives us free will. We get to decide what we do, which sometimes means that we make really bad decisions (after all, we’re only human).
For example, a friend has recently been dealing with a housing crisis and may suddenly need to move. It’s a scary time for her and hits all her insecurity buttons.
Yet, where she currently lives hasn’t been right for a long time.
She has known that she needs to move for more than a year, but hasn’t been willing to face the discomfort of doing so.
This current crisis may be the cost of not listening every time she was told to move.
That’s just one example.
Something similar could easily happen with caregiving. Perhaps you’re ignoring God’s call for you to take a different approach.
This one reminds me of a classic joke, where a man prays for help as the water is rising during a flood. He turns away two boats and a helicopter because he is waiting for God to save him. Then, when he eventually drowns – he asks God “why didn’t you save me?”.
The answer, as you can well guess, is that God sent two boats and a helicopter.
Sometimes we’re a little like that man, where we ignore the support God is providing because it doesn’t look like we imagined it would.
Other People Have Free Will Too
And, of course, everyone has free will.
This means that tons of decisions are being made every day. Some of those may fit in with God’s plan for us, while others may not at all.
Those decisions all have consequences and don’t just impact the initial decision maker.
I truly believe that some bad things just happen.
They’re part of the flux of life and part of the gift of free will.
God never promises to protect us from these difficult things. Rather, he promises that he won’t leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).
He also doesn’t say that he’ll manage every aspect of our lives. He has the power to do so, true, but being in control like that wouldn’t provide us with much freedom.
Still, he is here with us every step of the way – and I believe he smooths the road for us.
Why Does This Matter?
So, why talk about this?
I bring it up because the ‘everything happens for a reason’ rhetoric is incredibly disempowering.
We can get stuck on the idea that challenging events are a lesson or part of a big plan, so we don’t look for solutions. Instead, we dig our heels in, pray heavily, and try to weather the storm.
Doing so makes sense if the challenge is something we need to go through.
But, if it’s the result of a bad decision or is simply a natural flux of life – holding our ground mightn’t be the right choice at all.
Christians who hold onto the ‘everything happens for a reason story’ this idea tightly may end up simply weathering whatever storm they’re in – even when it’s not a place that they need to be.
This is incredibly important for caregiving, as some caregivers end up with this kind of martyr mentality, where they give above and beyond, even when they don’t need to.
Caregivers in this situation sometimes even end up unintentionally refusing help.
If you recognize that the current storm may not have a ‘reason’, then you can start looking for ways out. For ways to make things better.
Remember, we are called to seek wisdom and to be discerning (Philippians 1:9-10; Romans 12:2, James 1:5, and many others). This means we shouldn’t take things at face value, but should examine, test, and carefully consider.
What Do You Do Instead?
Take A Step Back
A more powerful approach is to step back emotionally.
Rather than thinking that this is the way that things must be, hold the situation lightly. Don’t assume that things are meant to go a particular way.
Instead, let go of the control and give it up to God. Allow him to speak through you, to guide you and show you the best way forward.
Seek Guidance
Luke 11: 5-10 tells us that those who ask will receive, and those who seek will find.
So, turn to God.
Rather than seeking a way out of the situation, look to his wisdom instead. Seek clarity and understanding about how you’re meant to respond.
Sometimes this won’t be what you expect at all.
That happens very often in our faith journey. Of course it does. His ways are not our ways, his thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55: 8-9). God is above us and sees a much larger picture than we ever could.
As Christians, we are called to trust.
This includes trusting God’s wisdom beyond our own – especially when his way of doing things is different than ours.
Be Willing to Pivot
Trusting God means that sometimes the answers won’t be what you expect. Sometimes they’re vastly different.
So, you might be called to keep providing care and to lean into God’s strength.
Or, sometimes, you may be called to let go instead. To allow someone else to solve the problem or even to move your aging parent into an assisted living facility.
Perhaps doing so frees you up to follow God’s next purpose for your life.
Perhaps doing so puts your aging parent where they need to be for the next stage. They may make connections and influence others there in a way you never expected.
We don’t know. Can’t know. But, God does.
Be Kind To Yourself
Rather than thinking that you should be doing better or that you’re failing the current test, try being compassionate to yourself.
This includes recognizing that, yeah, actually, this is difficult. You’re not doing perfectly, but that’s allowed, you’re only human and under the grace of God.
Self-compassion is an excellent place to begin and you can certainly take a Christian approach to the practice.
Don’t Neglect Yourself
Finally, don’t neglect your own needs (or wants).
This might seem like surprising advice, as the Bible regularly talks about giving to other people.
But, many of those verses teach us to love other people as we love ourselves, not instead of loving ourselves (like Mark 12:30-31, which speaks of loving your neighbor as yourself).
There are also multiple places in the Bible where Jesus withdrew to rest or to pray and when he called his disciples to do the same – even when the crowds were large.
And, what about the example of Mary and Martha, where Martha was busying around and Mary simply sat with Jesus? Sometimes caregivers are a little too much like Martha, when we really need to slow down, spend more time with God, and even just rest.
Where To Go Next
Learn Through Reading
If you’re struggling with the intersection of caregiving and faith, I strongly recommend the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend (you can find it here).
This is powerful for two reasons.
First, boundaries are an essential part of effective caregiving. They help you to maintain your strength (and sanity!) and focus on the areas that matter the most.
Second, Cloud and Townsend have a strong Christian focus in their writing. They cite Bible verses regularly and show how the Bible supports the idea of boundaries and taking care of yourself.
They have some particularly insightful things to say about knowing what is your responsibility and what isn’t – which is an area that caregivers struggle with a lot.
The authors have other books as well. None of them focus on caregiving specifically, but the Biblical insights could easily help you in your caregiving journey.
Talk to Spiritual Leaders
Talking to a spiritual leader can help as well. Many have years of wisdom, plus experience at balancing the demands of supporting a congregation with their own needs.
They may be able to offer valuable insights into the best next steps for you and how you can care for yourself.
Be Discerning and Seek God
Finally, it’s important to be discerning and work things out for yourself.
Don’t be tempted to simply run with the version of Christianity that you were originally taught.
Take the time to find out for yourself, to pray, and to look for God’s insight into your situation. Even the most well-meaning teacher has biases, which can influence what you learn.
Final Thoughts
Caregiving and faith might not look like you first expect.
It’s often not a matter of giving and giving and giving.
Instead, you need to practice wisdom and discernment. To pray and learn when you need to give and when you need to pull back instead.
To truly look at what God is asking of you (and what he isn’t), rather than putting yourself last as a matter of course.
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[1] This isn’t a complete list, by any means. As I mentioned, I’m not a Bible scholar or an expert. I’d love to hear your ideas too. What other angles are there, ones that are supported by the Bible?
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