Caregiving Is Not Rewarding. It’s A Journey Like No Other.

Caregiving is not rewarding. There. I’ve said it.

That might sound like a strange sentiment, as there are certainly positive aspects to caregiving. We’ve talked about them at various points on this blog and many other authors have done the same.

However, the line that caregiving is rewarding is getting old.

Very old.

Far too often, new caregivers are initiated by being told that it is a rewarding journey, one that will help them grow. That caregiving is a way of giving back. Of deepening our love for the people we care about.

Friends and loved ones, similarly, may tell caregivers that they are blessed. That this is a special time. A sacred one, even.

Such lines are beyond frustrating.

They undermine the many challenges that caregivers face. They ignore the way that caregiving turns your life on its head, how the role can be painful, scary, overwhelming, emotional, and filled with grief – sometimes all at once.

What We Mean By Caregiving is Not Rewarding

Before we go further, let’s unpack the idea a little.

Why say that caregiving is not rewarding?

There are good parts to the role. That almost goes without saying. There is something powerful in supporting another person. Many people do get a sense of contribution from doing so, sometimes even feeling an increased sense of meaning in their life.

This was true for me.

I ended up as a young caregiver, for my partner, for a little under 5 years. It was an intense time, one that pushed me to grow in many new directions and one that strengthened me. I grew and learned lessons as a caregiver that I would never have learned any other way.

Would I do it again?

I’m not sure.

If someone I love needs caring for in the future, then yes, I might pick up that mantle again. I’ve learned a lot since my partner died, including how to set boundaries, how to avoid burnout, and how to maintain a fulfilling life of my own, even while supporting someone else.

I’m confident that being a caregiver again wouldn’t be as emotionally overwhelming as it was that first time.

Even so, I’d never choose to be a caregiver for its own sake. Who would?

That’s also what I mean by saying that caregiving is not rewarding.

Rewarding suggests that there are more benefits than costs for the caregiver. That you come out of the role better off than you went into it.

In most situations, that’s not true. While caregiving has some positive outcomes, some benefits, even, the same can be said for almost any situation, including ones that aren’t good at all.

For example, if you lose your job, you end up with a lot more time and might be able to pursue a dream or go back to school. If you need to travel back home for a funeral, you might reconnect with an old flame. If you lose a leg, it might inspire a whole new lease on life and a shift of goals.

Get the picture?

The presence of a silver lining doesn’t mean that losing your job, a loved one dying, or the loss of a leg is a good thing. The same is true for caregiving.

Why We Shouldn’t Call Caregiving Rewarding

There’s nothing wrong in looking for the bright side of a given situation. Doing so can even be powerful, as being stuck in a negative loop and always seeing the worst doesn’t improve your mood or your life at all.

Still… it’s easy to go too far in the opposite direction, where you’re taking a Pollyanna-like approach to life and studiously ignoring everything negative (that approach is also called toxic positivity, and it is a serious issue).

That sentiment often crops up in platitudes, like “look in the bright side” or “keep smiling”.

Here’s the thing.

Caregiving can suck.

Much of the time it’s an incredibly difficult role, one that takes a lot out of you. This effect needs to be acknowledged. If we don’t talk about it. If we insist that caregiving is only rewarding, then we’re doing caregivers everywhere a disservice.

The role is even more complicated if you’re dealing with a stubborn aging parent or face the emotional challenges of becoming a caregiver for your own spouse.  

If we keep saying that caregiving is rewarding, we create the expectation that caregivers should feel blessed. That they should be happy and feel fulfilled from their caregiving role alone.

Such an expectation can make caregivers feel guilty when they struggle with negative emotions and can mean that they judge themselves harshly for feelings that are entirely human.

Compassion Instead of Positivity

The alternative is compassion.

Rather than focusing on the so-called rewards of caregiving, we need to talk more about how to help caregivers, how to support them.

At a broad level, this means we need many more policies and programs that help caregivers, including ones that provide financial support, respite services, training, encouragement, and advice.

Local organizations can help as well, such as by offering support groups, training classes, and activities for seniors so that the caregiver can have a break.   

However, we don’t need to wait for large changes. Friends and family can help caregivers too, by checking in on them and providing support. This could be as simple as taking the caregiver out every so often, letting them vent about what they’re feeling, or perhaps by helping practically with housework, yard work, or their caregiving roles.

There are endless ways to support caregivers, so let’s put our focus here, rather than repeating the tired line that caregiving is rewarding.

What Caregivers Can Do

Focusing on compassion rather than positivity can be powerful for caregivers too.

This doesn’t mean that you’re ignoring the positive aspects of your caregiving role, not at all. Instead, you’re simply approaching the negative ones differently. Rather than pretending that those challenges don’t exist, you’re supporting yourself through them.

You’re being kind to yourself.

The principle is called self-compassion.

Think of it this way. If your friend is going through a tough time, like the death of a child or the loss of a job, you wouldn’t tell them to toughen up or stay positive (at least, I hope you wouldn’t). You would look for ways to support them instead.

Perhaps you might bring over some meals, so that they don’t need to think about cooking for themselves. Or, you might simply keep them company.

Self-compassion means that you’re taking this compassionate approach and applying it to yourself. Doing so might sound wimpy, lazy, or like self-pity. That’s not the case, though. Instead, self-compassion can be empowering. The approach helps us feel supported, giving us the emotional resilience to move forward.

Kristin Neff is the forerunner in the self-compassion field. She’s written several books now and has a website packed with information and exercises to help you practice the idea for yourself.

I highly recommend checking this out. Honestly, I wish I’d stumbled across self-compassion when I was caregiving, rather than years later. Kristin Neff also has a new book called Fierce Self-Compassion. This is a fantastic choice for caregivers, as Kristin focuses on a strength-based approach to self-compassion, one that will resonate with many caregivers. Her examples and exercises can help you to be kind to yourself, while also fighting for your loved one and staying strong in yourself.