Should You Include Dementia Patients in Family Celebrations?

The holidays are an important time for families to come together, to connect, and to celebrate. Many of us have years and years of family holidays together, including plenty of traditions and moments that matter.

Dementia makes things much more complicated.

What do you do when a loved one also suffers from dementia? Do you still include them in family celebrations or do you leave them out instead?

Let me put it another way – are the benefits of including them worth the difficulties of doing so?

The answers will depend on your individual situation and how dementia is progressing in your loved one. But, while we can’t tailor an answer to your situation specifically, we can highlight some crucial areas to talk about.

The Reality of Including Dementia Patients in Family Celebrations

1. Including them is a lot of extra work

If you’re seriously debating whether or not to include a dementia patient in a family holiday, then the cost of doing so must be high. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be concerned about which approach to take.

Often caring for them will leave you in a state of constant stress, with a million things to think about. You might not be able to enjoy the celebration at all.

For example, what happens if you go to a restaurant with a senior with dementia and incontinence? That combination can easily lead to public accidents – including incredibly messy ones. Such accidents are frustrating and can be very embarrassing for everyone involved.

Even if the senior isn’t incontinent, dementia often comes with other uncomfortable behaviors, like fixing the collars of random people or having inappropriate conversations with waitresses. 

And, even if everything goes right, you’re likely to still be highly stressed and distracted throughout the event. How could you not be?

2. Including them affects others too

We’re talking about a family holiday.

So, including a dementia patient is going to impact the experience of everyone there (including staff, if you’re having dinner at a restaurant or are traveling).

This is important, as dementia patients can be challenging, particularly for people who have little experience with them.

And, if you’re stressed and anxious about taking care of your family member, you’re going to have less energy and attention for everyone else. This is particularly difficult if there are kids in the family, as they may not fully understand and may feel stressed out.

Some dementia patients are belligerent, aggressive, or inappropriate as well.

That’s certainly not a good combination for an enjoyable family holiday.

3. It’s not selfish to want to decrease drama

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a simple family celebration or holiday.

Nothing at all.

Remember, your life isn’t just about the dementia patient. You have other people you care about too and also need to take care of yourself.

The holidays work much better when we use them as a chance to slow down. After all, so much is asked of us throughout the year. Why turn Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s into an incredibly stressful time when you don’t need to?

4. Joining may not be best for them anyway

As people age, many start to find large social situations difficult. There’s simply too much going on and too many people.

Even without a dementia diagnosis, many seniors prefer small gatherings or even just talking to one or two people at a time.

Plus, routine and familiarity are crucial for dementia patients. This helps to reduce confusion and agitation.

Taking the senior away from their familiar environment and into a completely different one that’s filled with people could be incredibly overwhelming. 

In trying to give your loved one a good holiday, you might just be stressing them out – and making the experience difficult for everyone else in the process.

5. They may have little sense of the day

Dementia patients often lose sense of time. They’re frequently lost in the past and often struggle to retain recent memories.

As a result, many dementia patients won’t know which day is Christmas, New Years, etc. and won’t retain that information even if told.

This means that if you do have a holiday without them – they may not even be aware. Or, they’ll be aware for a short time, then will forget.

In the end, including them in the holiday has a much stronger and longer impact on you and everyone else than it does on the senior.

6. You don’t need to leave them out entirely

It’s easy to see this as an either-or situation, where either you’re including the senior in your celebrations or you’re cutting them out entirely.

But, that’s not necessarily the case.

You can still have some type of celebration with them. Doing so might involve visiting them in memory care and celebrating with them.

You don’t need to celebrate on the day either. You could even do so a week or two on either side.  

Are You Being Ruled by Guilt?

If you’re still struggling with this question, there may be some guilt at play.

Perhaps you feel like you should include your loved one in family celebrations. After all, they’ve been a part of such celebrations in the past.

Leaving them behind in a facility may feel like you’re abandoning them, when they may not have that many holidays with you.

However, as we’ve discussed, this isn’t the case at all. Including them can come at an incredible cost to you and anyone you’re celebrating with, while excluding them will often have a relatively small effect.

For Dementia Patients That Live At Home

If the dementia patient still lives with you, the equation may be different.

Some caregivers choose to celebrate with just the patient and themselves, rather than trying to entertain the entire family. If people do want to visit, they can do so one at a time, in a staggered manner.

This approach is often much less stressful for the caregiver.

If you choose to just celebrate with the senior at home, it’s best to keep everything simple. After all, the dementia patient may not be able to fully understand or appreciate a complex celebration and you probably don’t have the energy.

Why not minimize your stress? Focus on what works for you and your loved one, rather than the social expectations that come with the holiday season.

Final Thoughts

The holidays come with incredibly strong social expectations. There are countless ideas about what a good celebration should look like, who should be present, and what you should be doing.

Even for healthy and happy families, those expectations can create an incredibly stressful day that’s barely worth the effort. With a dementia patient in the family, the stress levels get much higher, so you have to tailor the celebration to match their needs. If you don’t, you’re going to be highly stressed.