Are You Doing Too Much For Your Aging Parents?

Caregivers often have a lot on their plate.

Okay… that’s the understatement of the century.

All too often, adult children feel overwhelmed and pressured, trying to juggle multiple responsibilities without enough time or energy to do things well.

Many of us know that we need to slow down, to take better care of ourselves, but doing feels impossible. There’s simply so much that needs to be done.

Or… is there?

Please don’t get offended and jump away from this post immediately.

This is a topic that needs talking and thinking about. Because sometimes there’s a huge disconnect between what you’re doing for an aging parent and what actually needs to be done. Many adult children are doing more than their parents need and burning themselves out in the process.

Sometimes the extra work doesn’t even help your parents like you expect it to.

What Doing Too Much Can Look Like

To make this clearer, let me give you an example inspired by a thread on the AgingCare forums.

An adult daughter finds that she is checking in on her aging mother daily, running errands multiple times a week, reminding her regularly to take medications, going to doctor’s appointments with her, and doing everything else she can to make her mother’s life easier.

Not surprisingly, she’s exhausted.

She’s also growing resentful of other family members, who refuse to pitch in. It’s far too much work for her to be doing alone. And, the work is likely to increase as the mother ages and needs more help.

There are certainly seniors who need this much support, including some with serious health conditions and limited mobility.

That’s not the case here.

This mother is still mentally capable and can do a lot physically. She can’t safely drive anymore, but her daughter is hardly the only way that she can get around. Plenty of people can’t drive and simply find other ways to be independent.

What’s happening is that the daughter is shouldering a lot of unneeded responsibility. She’s taking it on herself to try and be a superwoman of providing support.

While the idea is noble, it’s not going to end well. This level of effort is incredibly difficult to sustain.

And, what happens when the mother’s needs increase? Or if she lives another 10, 15, or even 20 years?

This particular story may have a good ending. The daughter’s thread on the AgingCare forums attracted a few comments, which helped her to take a step back and think about what her mother actually needs.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have some other examples of this issue in their book on Boundaries. They don’t address caregiving specifically, but many of the patterns remain the same. You might even see yourself in some of their stories.

Why You Might Need To Step Back

There are a few big problems with providing too much support to an aging parent.

The first can be seen in the example above, where the workload simply isn’t sustainable. You risk burning yourself out, which is awful for your health.

Plus, if you run out of resources now, while your parent is still in relatively good health, what happens when their health declines? You may have nothing left. You can’t keep going on empty. Sooner or later, you run out of the ability to give.

The second issue is your parent’s health.

Doing too much for them can promote dependence. They may rely on your rather than trying to do things themselves, which can actually lead to health declines.

For example, if you start being your parent’s taxi as soon as they can no longer drive, they may never find alternative transport options (like Uber, public transport, rides with friends, local services, and the like). Being completely dependent on you could mean they go out less, are less active, and start to close off.

Finally, if you’re exhausted and overwhelmed, the quality of your support will start to suffer.

Burned out caregivers are more likely to make poor decisions, may lose their temper more often, and have less energy. It’s not a good place to be at all.

How can you support someone else when you’re barely coping yourself?  

Why Do Some Children Do Too Much?

This pattern of going over the top for aging parents seems to be a common one.

So, where does it come from? And what can you do about it?

Excessive Concern

As people age, their ability to care for themselves decreases, sometimes dramatically.

However, it’s easy to jump the gun and start worrying and getting overprotective before there’s actually a problem.

People don’t suddenly become infants as they age. Even when seniors start needing help with some tasks, they’re often perfectly capable in other areas.

Being more cautious isn’t necessarily going to protect them anyway. Accidents happen no matter what. Sometimes the best thing a senior can do is take reasonable precautions and keep living their life.

A Desire To Please

For some adult children, many perhaps, the core problem may be linked to the past. It’s cliche, I know, but the way we were raised influences countless aspects of our adult lives.

In particular, some adult children may go above and beyond what’s needed in an attempt to earn affection from their parents. Or, they constantly look for ways to help, even when help isn’t actually required.

This situation comes up a lot for children of emotionally immature or narcissistic parents. After all, if you grew up with the idea that love must be earned, you may still have associated behavior patterns.

Demanding or Needy Parents

While some parents try to hold onto their independence, others end up being highly excessively demanding or clingy instead.

It can be pretty hard to refuse parents like this, particularly if they get upset any time you say no.

You may also feel like you should always do what they ask. They’re your parents, after all.

Remember though, your parents are human too. They have their own biases and they don’t always know what is best. Some aging parents also get scared or overwhelmed as they age, which can make them cling to those close to them.

It’s still important to listen to them and be respectful, but don’t simply assume that they’re right. Always think critically for yourself.

Other Factors

There can be other factors at play too.

For example, some people develop an identity of self-sacrifice, where giving up themselves to support others becomes a core part of who they think they are. Such a pattern is incredibly unhealthy, but can also be difficult to recognize in yourself.

What Can You Do?

In their book on Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend make a distinction that I love. They put it like this:

Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job, and what isn’t. Workers who continually take on duties that aren’t theirs will eventually burn out.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life. Henry Cloud & John Townsend, 2017.

It’s an elegant way of framing a difficult topic.

Adult children are often overwhelmed because they take on responsibilities that aren’t theirs.

Later on in their book, Cloud and Townsend talk about a distinction between burdens and loads.

In their framework, burdens are things that are too big and too heavy for a person to manage on their own. These are the areas that aging parents need help with.

Then there are loads. A load is the regular responsibilities of life, the things we need to do for ourselves, even when they’re difficult, even when we’d rather not.

For example, if your aging mother struggles to stand after sitting, you may want to fetch things for her so she doesn’t need to stand as often. Doing so constantly starts to be a problem, as the fewer times she gets up and down, the less she’s using her muscles, and getting up and down becomes progressively harder.

Part of the solution is to start setting boundaries.

This includes valuing your own needs and time, and saying no when parents make unreasonable requests.

Before that though, you need to work out where the boundaries need to go. This involves thinking about wants versus needs.  

Look At Where They Need Help

The big question here is – where do your parents actually need help?

Sometimes the answers will be obvious. Other times you may need to have conversations with your parents, other family members, and even their doctor to work things out.

You could also talk to a therapist or spend some time on caregiving forums. While those approaches are quite different from each other, they both help to give you outside perspectives on the situation and make it easier to understand what your parents need.

Once you know where their needs and challenges are, you can start to make decisions.

Don’t Forget About Yourself

Adult children often get burned out because they make the aging parent their number one priority.

There’s some logic to that. They raised you and hopefully cared for you. They mightn’t be around for much longer either, so it can feel incredibly important to give back as much as possible.

But, this isn’t a zero sum game.

You don’t need to choose between yourself and your parent. You can be there for their needs and still care for yourself.

Start Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is tough. There’s no point denying it.

Doing so can be confusing and stressful for your parents too, as you’re changing the rules of the game, perhaps for the first time.

This is why it’s important to have conversations and to figure things out with them. There may also be some negotiation and rebalancing as you find your way.

There are some excellent books on the topic that can help you find your way, even if this idea seems overwhelming. The Cloud and Townsend book from earlier is one of the most well-known examples.

However, I prefer a book by Allison Bottke called Setting Boundaries with Aging Parents. This book uses many of the same principles (and has the same Christian focus). The big difference is that Bottke’s book talks explicitly about aging parents. She tackles how your parents needs may increase with age and what this means for boundary setting.  

Few other authors combine boundaries and caregiving in the same book.

Final Thoughts

This topic is quite near to my own heart.

I’ve had a lifelong habit of doing too much for other people, sometimes to the extent where I crash physically and emotionally. I’ve had to learn bit by bit how to pull back and take space for myself.

I didn’t do so well as a caregiver and I think my partner suffered for that. In the end, I could have supported him better if I’d understood more about boundaries and my own needs. But, I didn’t learn those lessons until after his death.

What about you? Does it feel like things are balanced or are you doing too much for your aging parent? If you are doing too much, it’s important to start looking for solutions now. The sooner you can do so, the better it is for everyone.

Sometimes, the needs of your loved one may require expertise beyond your knowledge. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional assistance. This could mean engaging the services of a healthcare consultant, talking to their doctor, or even chatting with someone at a local senior center. For those already in or considering healthcare consultant careers, this can be an opportunity to apply your expertise in a personal context.