Elderly Parents in Denial – What to Do When Your Loved One Refuses to Care for Themselves

Caregivers and adult children face many challenges. One of the biggest is dealing with elderly parents in denial. In particular, what do you do when your loved one won’t take care of their own health? What happens when there’s something they should be doing, but refuse to?

There are countless examples of this problem. 

For instance, with the COVID-19 crisis, some seniors are refusing to follow social distancing guidelines and may try to live just as they did before. 

I remember my grandfather being given serious nutrition advice about cutting down sodium and cholesterol. Despite the seriousness of the advice, I don’t think he ever followed it. My family would try to get him to eat better and would even bring around healthier food. But, he simply didn’t want to. He ate how he wanted to for the rest of his life. 

And, in some senses, I’m proud of him for that. He died of cancer in the end. There’s a good chance that his eating didn’t have much impact on how long he lived. If you are going through a similar situation, you can encourage your loved one to eat healthier with these ideas from Proper Good.

Questions on the topic crop up on forums all the time too, like this entry: “My husband is mid-stage Alzheimers and needs a nebulizer. He’s resentful and angry having to use this as well as a CPAP. Any suggestions?”

What You Can Do For Them

While your options will depend on the situation at hand, the approaches here are all ones that you can try. 

As you go through them, try to look outside your own perspective. Think about whether you’re dealing with elderly parents in denial or simply seniors who have different priorities and values to yours.

Talk Calmly and Respectfully 

The first step is to talk things through with your family member. 

You’ve probably already had a few conversations, but this one should be a little different. The goal here is to understand each other’s perspectives. 

Take a case where the senior needs to use a nebulizer as well as a CPAP machine to keep them healthy. Your goal is to help them understand why the tools are important, what they do, and what could happen if they’re not used. At the same time, you’re listening to the senior’s point of view.

While their reactions might seem irrational at times, this doesn’t mean that you should dismiss them. Listen instead and, if possible, look for ways to resolve underlying concerns. 

After all, if you’re dealing with elderly parents in denial, then they may have a strong emotional response to what you’re suggesting. Many may not even know where this reaction comes from or what the underlying problem is.

For example, many seniors struggle with the idea of losing independence. 

Relying on tools, medications, or devices to simply survive might feel like they are ‘giving in’ to old age. If this is the problem, you may be able to help them see that they are actually gaining control over their life rather than losing it. 

When having these conversations, try to avoid ideas that the family member ‘should’ do something. This type of demand tends to make people resistant. 

This approach might not work well if your family member has dementia or another type of cognitive impairment. In those situations, your family member may not respond to reason. Even then, talking can be helpful, as you get a sense of where their resistance lies.

Think About Alternate Reasons

Some seniors might not see the point in a behavior for its own sake, but might be willing to compromise to make you feel better.

A medical alert button is a good example of this. If a senior feels secure in themselves, wearing the button might feel silly or like they’re admitting that they’re getting old. 

Still, if wearing the button stops you from stressing, then they might be willing to compromise. 

Other seniors might be swayed by the idea that you’ll check in less often if you know they have such an easy lifeline. 

You could approach other situations in the same way. For example, a senior might agree to have meals delivered ‘just in case you need them’.

The goal is to find ways to encourage the desired behavior that don’t disempower the senior.

If you’re stuck for ideas, take a look at caregiving forums, like the ones at AgingCare. You’ll often find other caregivers who have been in similar situations. Some will be able to tell you what worked for them, along with what didn’t. 

Don’t Argue

Arguing with elderly parents in denial is almost always counterproductive. Arguments often make both parties dig their heels in even more. 

If a discussion looks like it is turning into an argument, it might be best to walk away. Say that you two can pick things up at a different time. 

Doing so helps to decrease tensions too. After all, it’s always harder to have a rational conversation when one or both parties are emotional.

Talk to Their Doctor

Some seniors are resistant to advice from family members, but will accept the same advice from other people.

Ask your family member’s doctor to talk to them about the topic in question. The doctor might be able to explain why the desired behavior is important and what the long-term impacts are. 

You could turn to other people that the senior trusts too, including friends or people from their local church. 

However, you do need to be a little careful here. Don’t just keep sending more people at your family member if they already know the key facts. Doing so can feel disrespectful and could create the sense that you don’t trust your family member. 

Respect Their Decision

Discussions about what to do when a parent refuses to do something often come back to the same idea. 

Your loved one is an adult. If they’re legally competent, then they have the right to make their own mind up. They are allowed to make poor health decisions, to ignore the doctor’s advice, and even put themselves at risk. 

You have those same rights. We all do. 

The simple answer is that you can’t force your loved one to take care of their health. The best you can do is to suggest, have good conversations, and make sure your family member is informed about the risks of their decision. 

And, on a side note, giving your family member respect might help them to make the decision you want them to anyway. After all, some people rebel when they feel like they’re under pressure.  

What You Can Do For Yourself

Responding to a senior who doesn’t want to care for themselves is tough. 

It’s so hard to watch a loved one make decisions that are going to harm them in the long-term. 

Many of us want to step in and fix things. To make everything better. To make sure our loved ones stay as healthy as possible for as long as possible.

But, we don’t have the right or responsibility to do that. Trying to make things perfect can be stressful and damaging for our own mental health. Both of those situations make us less effective as caregivers too. 

Stepping Back

Some caregivers talk about the importance of stepping back energetically. 

This can mean respecting your family member’s decision, even if you don’t agree with it. 

If they’ve made their mind up, arguing with them on the same point time and time again isn’t going to help anyone. You’re just going to strain your relationship with them and create more stress. 

It can help to remember that their decisions aren’t your responsibility. 

You’re not responsible for what another person does or feels. As a caregiver, your role is to support and assistance, not to solve all of the problems your family member experiences.

It’s easy to feel guilty about taking a step back, but you’re not doing anything wrong. Your wellbeing is important too. 

And honestly, being over-involved in your loved one’s life doesn’t help you or them. No one likes to be micromanaged. Many seniors already feel like they are losing their independence due to age and disability. Having their adult child try to make health decisions for them too could easily feel like too much. 

Give your loved one the space that they need. You might just find that things get better on their own. 

If you struggle with the idea of stepping back, try looking into fields of mindfulness and self-compassion. These topics can both help you to get a better sense of your own needs, while teaching you how to be more resilient in yourself. 

Don’t Take It Personally

Try not to take things personally. Your care recipient might be difficult to deal with at times, especially if you’re trying to get them to do something that they don’t want to. 

Some caregivers report that their family members become aggressive, blaming, manipulative, mean, and even violent, which is another indication that it is time to step back. 

While you need to protect yourself, be aware that such behaviors are often the result of frustration. The senior might feel disempowered and overwhelmed, which makes them act out. 

Such behaviors can happen for dementia patients too – and the person might not have a strong sense of reality. 

Regardless of what happens and why, remember that a senior acting out doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. You’re not a bad caregiver or a bad child. A person’s reaction often has more to do with them than it does with you. 

Create Boundaries

Finally, be sure to create boundaries for yourself. Think about the situation carefully and look at what things you want to make your responsibility and what you don’t. 

For example, some aging parents want their children to take over all responsibility for their lives. This can be frustrating, especially if the parent is still capable of caring for themselves. 

If you’re unhappy with things now, don’t let them slide. What starts out as a simple problem can quickly get much worse. It’s better for you and your family member to work things out now, rather than wait until things become overwhelming. 

Getting a second opinion can be helpful, as a sense of obligation or guilt can make it difficult to get a handle on the situation. 

Caregiver forums can be another interesting place for advice. You’re talking to people who know what caregiving feels like, so most won’t be judgmental. Instead, you’ll get honest feedback about when your loved one is being unreasonable and when it might be time to step back. 

If you’re dealing with guilt about what you should and shouldn’t be doing, self-help books or therapy could be helpful. There are some online therapy options, like TalkSpace, and we reviewed a couple of helpful books that focus on emotionally immature parents. 

Final Thoughts

This topic is an incredibly tough one and it presents in so many ways. Some seniors will be resistant to relatively minor things, like the amount of exercise they get each day or whether they shower every day or every second day. 

In other cases, the problem is much more serious. The senior might even be putting their life at risk.

But honestly, there’s only so much that you can do.

Dealing with elderly parents in denial is a little like having an adult son who is making bad decisions. You can guide, support, and suggest all you like, but you can’t force him to make the ‘right’ decisions. He has to live his own life.

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