Caring for an aging family member is a relationship-driven and relationship-centric role, yet relationship is the part of caregiving that we often don’t talk about – particularly the relationship we have with emotionally immature parents.
Instead, it’s easier to focus on other parts of caregiving, like the practical challenges of the role, the importance of time management, and how caregivers can care for themselves.
While those areas are undeniably important – the nature and the quality of the relationship between you and the care recipient matters too. This relationship may even influence your levels of stress or resilience much more than any other factor.
This pattern is why today we’re reviewing a series of two books by Lindsay Gibson. They both focus on the idea of emotionally immature parents. That is, parents who are not emotionally able to perform their role well.
Neither of these books focuses on blame – at all. The goal isn’t to feel bad about your past either or to assume that all of your present troubles, whatever they are, are linked to what went before.
Instead, these are both self-help books. The goal is to help you understand the past and the effects that it had on you, so that you can move forward.
Who the Emotionally Immature Parents Books are For
These books aren’t typical caregiving fare, which honestly isn’t a bad thing. Books for caregivers can be powerful, but they often repeat the same information in slightly different ways.
The emotionally immature parent books, on the other hand, are written for anyone. You don’t even need to be in contact with your family to benefit from them. And, you might pass them on to someone else once you’re done.
As the titles suggest, these books are for adults who grew up with emotionally immature parents. These parents might be very functional in some ways, but they don’t have the ability to connect well with their kids emotionally.
Lindsay describes it in this way:
“Emotionally immature parents fear genuine emotion and pull back from emotional closeness. They use coping mechanisms that resist reality rather than dealing with it. They don’t welcome self-reflection, so they rarely accept blame or apologize… their children’s emotional needs will almost always lose out to the parents’ own survival instincts.”
There are many variations on the theme, different ways that emotional immaturity can play out in practice. But basically, these books are worth looking at if you felt like there was something missing in your childhood or if you felt unloved.
It’s easy to dismiss these emotions, especially if your childhood was objectively ‘good’. Yet, dismissal isn’t the answer, nor is blindly forgiving your parents without first understanding what happened.
Learning how to address the past instead, gives you the tools that you need to move on, to grow as a person. Doing so can directly affect your caregiving role – empowering you in your relationship with your parent and helping you to make good decisions.
Our Experience with the Books
To be honest, we didn’t choose these books because of the link to caregiving. They’re books that I chose myself because I’ve started being interested in emotional growth and my own past.
The books looked good, they looked interesting, but I’ve been blown away by just how ‘on the nose’ they are at times. Parts of the books talk very specifically about the way that emotionally immature parents can present, including specific behaviors. There is also a lot of information about how children of such parents can respond.
Lindsay uses a combination of theory and personal stories to illustrate these areas, which makes a heavy topic surprisingly easy to read.
Some of these stories are heart-wrenching. They talk about adult children who never valued themselves or who developed damaging coping mechanisms. There are so many examples of how a person’s childhood experience plays out in their adult lives.
Myself, I found that some parts of the books weren’t relevant to me at all, while other parts sounded like they had been literally written about me.
That brings me to another point. These books are amazing. They’re well-written, easy to read, and fascinating. But, they’re also intense. You’ll probably need to take them slowly and learn one step at a time.
Otherwise you could easily end up overwhelmed.
Thankfully, the writing style makes these books easy to pick up and put down. You could even jump around and read sections out of order.
If you’re going to do that, I suggest reading the section on internalizers (from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents) early on. This is easily my favorite chapter of that book, as it helped me to understand myself and feel validated.
The Connection to Caregiving
Distress patterns from childhood often stay with us throughout our lives, especially if we’re unaware of them.
Being a caregiver can sometimes make these patterns stronger or reactivate old ones that we thought we had found our way past. Many people struggle with this issue, especially if their parents are stubborn or manipulative in some areas.
For example, if your parent made you feel responsible for their emotions as a child – the same pattern is likely to play out when you’re a caregiver. You might be expected to solve all of their physical and emotional problems. This can be incredibly overwhelming, especially if your family member always looks for the negative side of things.
You might find yourself in the same place as many caregivers – where nothing you do is ever good enough and you feel guilty.
Yet, as Lindsay points out, you’re not responsible for someone else’s emotional state. Even if you’re supporting your family member – their happiness is their responsibility, not yours. You can’t make someone happy anyway, not if they don’t want to be.
The above is just one example. There are many other ways that the past can influence your present, which is what makes books like these so relevant. The specific examples that Lindsay provides make it easy to see what is happening in your life and what isn’t.
Follow Your Instincts
The one limitation, if you will, about the books is that you can’t read them and assume that everything applies to you. It won’t.
In fact, Lindsay breaks down emotionally immature parents into four categories: emotional, driven, passive, and rejecting, while mentioning that parents can also be extroverted or introverted. These differences alone lead to many differences in behavior – not to mention all the variation from one person to the next.
So, you need to read the books carefully. You need to think about what applies to you, what doesn’t, and why. If a story or example seems like a poor fit – ignore it.
I certainly found that. There were some stories in the book that I attacked with a highlighter, as almost every word described my own experiences, while I felt no connection at all to some of the other stories.
And, as with any self-help book, don’t forget that advice is just advice. Lindsay might be an expert in the field, but she isn’t in your personal situation. She’s also covering a broad field where there are countless variations.
You’ll need to follow your own heart too. Look for what feels true, for what makes sense and use that as a starting point. Perhaps you might agree with some of Lindsay’s strategies, but not her theories. Or, like me, you might take her theories to hard and find your own strategies for responding to them.
The Case of Abusive Parents
One other thing. These books focus on emotionally unintelligent parents. These parents often mean well and do love their children, but, for whatever reason, cannot do so completely.
These may not be the right books if you grew up with an abusive parent or one tends to be manipulative. We’ll talk about those situations in a later review.
But, for the moment, you could check out Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. This is a book that we plan to review in the future and it focuses on parents who were (and perhaps still are), inadequate, controlling, alcoholic, or abusive.
Final Thoughts
Many caregivers won’t need these books at all. But, they could be perfect if you grew up with a sense of loneliness, if you feel like something is missing between you and your parent, or if you want to find better strategies.
Some parts of the books could even be useful for people whose parents weren’t emotionally unintelligent.
If nothing else, the books may help you to learn how to take a step back and view your family relationships from an outside perspective. Doing so could give you the tools you need to find your feet and, perhaps, to create a more honest relationship with your family member.
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