If you regularly read content about caregiving, you might notice that most writing assumes a type of ‘normal’ caregiving role. This is one where an adult child is supporting their aging parent. Sometimes this is done remotely, while other times the child may be living with their family member.
While this type of caregiving is common, it’s also a gross simplification.
Many caregivers are in different situations. Some are caring for a spouse or a child, rather than a parent. Sometimes the person being cared for different again, like a mother-in-law or an aunty. Others are trying to provide care when they need it just as much.
There are also many cases where the emotional relationship between caregiver and caree isn’t simple. After all, people can have complex relationships with one another. Such issues have direct implications for caregiving and the caregiver.
In this post, we’re looking into some of the more unusual patterns in caregiving and the implications for caregivers. As part of our discussion, we’re looking at places to find help and ways to support yourself.
‘Unusual’ Types of Caregiving Situations
Reluctant Caregivers
One critical area is cases where the caregiver never wanted the role in the first place. This can happen for many different reasons, such as social expectations, a sense of duty or even manipulation by family members.
When this occurs, the caregiver may stay in their role largely out of guilt and fear of leaving.
Reluctant caregivers may experience more resentment of their role and may have fewer coping strategies in place.
Caring for Abusive or Neglectful Parents
Children in the caregiving role didn’t always have the best relationship with their parents. Some adult children may have been the victim of significant abuse and/or neglect. In some cases, the abuse may even continue (perhaps in a different form) during the caregiving process.
Many people who suffered as children choose not to become caregivers. Others do take on the role. One reason for doing so is a sense of moral obligation.
Whatever the reason, this type of caregiver/caree relationship has unique challenges. Caregivers are at a greater risk of depression and need to draw solid boundaries to survive the caregiving process.
It’s also important to think about the risks of this type of caregiving. Not only is the caregiver at greater risk, but there is also the risk that they will end up abusing their family member to some degree.
Supporting Distant Relations and Non-Family Members
Caregivers aren’t always supporting someone that they are close to. For example, you might end up providing care for an aunt or an uncle. Some people find themselves involved in caring for friends too, such as a neighbor.
Such caregiving roles can often begin slowly. You may simply be providing a little bit of assistance at first, such as mowing the person’s lawn. Your role can gradually grow over time, to the point that you are essentially a caregiver.
Another example is cases where people end up caring for their in-laws.
This can be emotionally challenging, especially if the relationship between caregiver and caree isn’t positive. The caregiver may also feel forced into the role and have the sense that ‘this isn’t what I signed up for’.
Being a Caregiver for your Spouse
Seniors aren’t the only people who need support. Some caregivers look after family members who are physically and/or mentally disabled.
There are many variations on this theme, but for the moment we’re going to focus on being a caregiver for your spouse (or partner).
The role shares many of the same challenges as any other type of caregiving. However, there are also some less common difficulties.
- The emotional impacts of caregiving may be more pronounced and depression occurs at a higher rate than among the spouse who is ill. This can be linked to the fact that cognitive and/or physical connection with one’s spouse can become compromised.
- The fundamentals of the relationship can also change, often resulting in a transition from lover to nurse. This can be painful, especially when internalized.
- The caregiving spouse may need to take over many responsibilities, including household tasks, which may have been previously shared.
- The combination of caregiving and household responsibilities can make the physical consequences of caregiving intense.
- The situation can feel ‘unfair’. While many people expect to care for aging parents, providing this type of support for a spouse is often entirely unexpected.
Divorce rates among couples where there is a serious illness is high. A strong marriage has the chance of surviving such a situation, while weaker relationships are more likely to crumble.
Senior Caregivers
Another interesting pattern is seniors who are caregivers themselves. This situation is occurring with increased frequency as the population ages. For example, someone in their 60s may find themselves caring for their mother and/or father who is in their 80s or 90s.
The role can be difficult, especially as both the caregiver and caree may face significant physical health challenges.
Sandwich Generation Caregivers
The term sandwich generation refers to people who are caring for those both older and younger than themselves. Many sandwich generation caregivers are supporting aging parents, while raising children themselves.
But, as the population ages, this ‘sandwich’ can get deeper.
Some seniors find themselves caring for aging parents, while trying to support their children and grandchildren.
One example of this is where seniors provide childcare for their grandchildren, due to the expenses of childcare.
This reliance on family members to provide care shows no sign of slowing down. While there is a clear need for governmental support, progress on this front is slow and faces many roadblocks.
Finding Support and Direction as a Caregiver
Every caregiving situation is unique, but people in unusual caregiving roles may find it more difficult to obtain support or advice.
One powerful approach is to find people in a similar situation.
For example, the Well Spouse Association focuses entirely on spousal caregivers. They offer a variety of services, including in-person support groups, online forums and telephone support groups.
You can also look for articles and resources that are targeted at your specific situation.
Carol Bursack from Aging Care produced one such article. In it she focuses on providing care for parents who did not do the same for you.
An article by Michelle Daly on The Caregiver Space also looks at the topic. Her piece provides perspectives from the community. There are also many comments that offer additional perspectives.
Finding targeted information like this really is important. General caregiving advice won’t consider all the complexities of your situation.
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