How do you know that you’re a caregiver? I stumbled on this question recently and it’s a fascinating one. I mean, sure, it seems like an obvious question in some ways. Like, how could you possibly not know?
The article I was reading can be found here and many commenters did feel that the question is almost redundant.
And yes, if you’re a full-time caregiver or need to support your family member through the everyday activities of life (like eating or going to the bathroom) then it’s easy to know that you’re a caregiver. Forgetting that you’re a caregiver would be more difficult.
Still, many people don’t fall into that camp at all.
- For example, some people end up being part-time caregivers. They may not be living with their family member at all, but may instead be dropping in regularly to help with tasks and perhaps worrying about their family member at other times.
- In other cases, you might be living with a family member or spouse who was once fully independent and now requires help in some areas. This pattern often happens with aging couples or when one partner has a disability.
Both of these cases are complex in another way too – they change. Perhaps you only need to support your family member for a while. Or, perhaps, your family member will need more help as time goes on.
These situations are where the distinction between caregiver and not becomes blurry.
What does define caregiving?
What hours and what tasks make up the role? When do you move from being a support person to something more?
Then there’s the resistance that goes with the label of caregiver.
Some people don’t use the word caregiver at all, as ‘caregiver’ implies that they are doing something out of the ordinary. The word also suggests a degree of hard work and can imply that the person you’re supporting is a burden in some way.
This could be unappealing if you’re caring for a spouse or if supporting an aging relative at home is part of your cultural identity.
Why Bother With The Label?
The question ‘how do you know whether you’re a caregiver?’ might seem academic or perhaps a bit silly. If your role is the same either way, whether you call yourself a caregiver or not shouldn’t matter, right?
That claim is accurate to some degree, as how you define yourself isn’t going to change your underlying situation at all.
But, there is power to identifying as a caregiver too.
One reason is that caregiving involves energy and effort. It can be very draining emotionally, especially if you don’t know how to take care of your own emotions and other needs.
This is true even if your caregiving role feels relatively light.
Regardless of whether you like the word burden or not, caregiving does come with a type of pressure. You’re responsible for more than just yourself – and the role isn’t like caring for a child. The person you’re supporting is dependent in different, and perhaps unexpected, ways.
You may choose to view your role in a positive light and focus on the good parts. You might even see caring for someone else as an opportunity.
Such approaches can be helpful, it’s true – just not when you are literally denying reality.
The truth is that caregivers get worn down. If you want to provide good care in the long-term, then you need to be taking care of yourself as well. To do so well, you need to be aware of the difficulties you face and find ways to minimize their impacts.
How Caregiving Has Changed You
The article that I mentioned earlier talked about the way that caregiving changes people and changes their lives.
This idea can act as a simple test for whether you are a caregiver. Has the support that you provide changed your nature? Has it changed the way that you approach life?
Some people find that they end up stressed and hypervigilant. They are often on edge, just waiting for the next thing to go wrong and trying to resolve problems before they even occur.
The role can also lead to anger and frustration, like in the quote below.
I’m frustrated and angry all the time. I never get to go out alone for any amount of time because there is no one to cover for me and I can’t afford to pay anyone to stay with my husband. I find I’m just not the old me, just a shadow of myself….putting a smile on my face when I don’t mean it.
Other people find a type of peace in the role and find that the treasure the good moments more. This can be seen in two quotes from the article, which come from separate contributors:
I’ve learned that ‘in the moment’ is the very best place to live. There is so much there! My mom and I share moments out of necessity, but that necessity has taught me the value packed in the present moment. It brings life back into life, and we can be fully there for each other. She is still my mom, in the moment. It’s where the greatest love lives.
Caregiving has made me a better person. Despite a busy, action-packed schedule, I’m more patient than I used to be. The fact that both of us are alive and together is humbling. Small things, like reading quietly in the same room, are experiences to treasure. It’s true—caregiving changed me forever—and I am more empathetic. I also understand challenges disabled people face.
There are many other impacts too. Myself, I found that I tended to be stressed, always tired, and quick to anger, but also more empathetic than ever before.
In the long-term, being a caregiver has made me more patient and more resilient. I find that I can cope with challenges better – but I wish I had been able to learn more of those strengths while I was still a caregiver, rather than upon reflection.
Finding The Good Outcomes
Short-term or long-term, parent or spouse, simple or complex – caregiving is rarely easy. Even if there are many good moments, the role does certainly present unique challenges.
Identifying as a caregiver can be a helpful first step, as this helps you to be aware of your own needs – and the importance of taking care of yourself.
Of course, doing so is only part of the story. If you’re a caregiver to any degree, you probably know that doing well as a caregiver isn’t nearly as easy as it sounds.
The Challenge Of Self-Care
Take the concept of self-care as an example. There’s no doubt that self-care matters. Caregivers who don’t meet their own needs tend to get sick easier, suffer from burnout and may be at increased disease risk. And honestly, it’s pretty hard to support someone else if your own physical or mental health is poor.
Yet, practicing self-care regularly is pretty tough. It can feel downright impossible sometimes.
I found this one out myself as a caregiver. Self-care sounded perfect, but where would I ever find the time? There wasn’t enough hours in the day to keep up with everything that was essential – and if I did take time out to, say, watch a TV episode, I was certain to be interrupted with an ‘emergency’ at least once.
Setting boundaries can be a helpful way to give yourself some time.
Still, there are many cases where needs are urgent and often unpredictable. This is particularly true if you’re supporting someone with cognitive impairment.
And, we’re just talking about self-care around the home. What about ideas like visiting a day spa or, gasp, taking a vacation? Most caregivers won’t have the time or the money for such practices. Even tasks like getting a haircut or going to the doctor’s office can be difficult to pull off if your loved one can’t be left on their own for long (or at all).
What You Can Do
Firstly, self-care does remain important, even when it sounds impossible.
One trick is to start small. Look for things that help you that don’t take a lot of time or money. There’s a myriad of self-care options to choose from – and some of them will be a good fit.
Don’t just stick to the classic recommendations either (like a massage, a bath, or reading a book). Think honestly about what makes a difference to you. Some possibilities include the following:
- Talk to someone at least once per day, even if it is a short text-based conversation through Facebook
- Do some exercise, even if it is a lap or two around the house
- Listen to music that you enjoy
- Dance to a favorite song
- Nap when you’re tired
- Eat good food
- Spend a little time playing a game on your phone
- Do some gardening
- Look up interesting recipes or other topics on Pinterest
And finally, as one writer points out, try not to let self-care turn into yet another burden that you struggle to meet. It’s okay if you’re not able to care for yourself much some of the time. Caregiving does have phases where you simply have to slog through the hard stuff.
Be Kind
Being kind to yourself is important too. Caregiver guilt is a common challenge and the sense of guilt can eat away at you.
There are many reasons that you might feel guilty, some of which may be accurate.
As an article on the site Working Daughter highlights, it’s important to keep an eye out for disproportionate guilt. This is where you feel guilty for things that aren’t within your control.
It’s important to remember some critical distinctions. As a caregiver, you are responsible for helping to love and support a family member, often helping them to be more independent and have a better quality of life. But, you’re not responsible for:
- The way that they feel
- Making sure that they get everything that they want. Be especially wary of meeting every whim that your family member comes up with, such as cooking for them because they don’t want to go to the effort. Giving into requests like this adds to your responsibilities and isn’t good for them in the long-term either. Caring for their own needs as much as they can will help to keep the senior independent for longer.
- Preventing accidents. Doing what you can to reduce accident risk is an important approach, but many things simply aren’t in your control.
- Making sure that they make the ‘right’ decision.
- The consequences of decisions that they make.
- Getting everything perfect. You’re human. You’re going to make mistakes.
- Thinking good thoughts all the time. This one is very important. Caregivers often have moments where they think that everything would be easier if their loved one died, where they resent their role or even moments where they wished their loved one was dead. This is normal. Truly. It is. Everyone has unsettling thoughts from time-to-time, and these can be much worse when you’re under stress.
In the end, you’re doing the best that you can. Think about how you would feel about someone else in the same position as you are. You’d probably be kinder to them than you are to yourself. Take this idea to heart and extend compassion to yourself.
Think Your Options Through
It’s also important to think about the way that you provide support.
Guilt and a sense of responsibility can often lead to ideas that you ‘should’ be doing specific things, such as thinking that you should visit your aging mother every day to make sure that she is eating well.
Taking a step back can be a powerful technique. Think about the outcomes that you’re looking for and how to best achieve them.
For example, if your family member can’t drive anymore, taking them grocery shopping once a week could seem like an easy solution. But, this can quickly become stressful and overwhelming if you have little free time and the grocery store visit seems to drag on.
You could easily find an alternative solution, like doing the shopping for them or setting up online grocery delivery. This provides you with more quality time to spend with your family member and means less stress for everyone.
The solution you come up with mightn’t be the ideal one from your family member’s point of view. But, it doesn’t need to be either. As we mentioned before – you’re not responsible for meeting their every want. Your own needs are important too, as are the needs of your partner and kids (if you have them).
And most seniors will have other methods of meeting their needs – like relying on a friend for rides or even a taxi service.
Find Support
Having someone in your corner can make even the most difficult challenges feel much more bearable. Some caregivers will have friends or family that they can turn to, but for other caregivers, support may be rare indeed.
Some people even find that other family members shy away from the situation, while friends seem resistant to offer even just company, much less support.
Thankfully, your support doesn’t need to come from people that you currently know. You could look for in-person caregiver support groups in your area. A quick Google search is likely to bring up many different options. Some sites, like Care.com, provide lists of support groups, which can make the whole process easier. Just be aware that some entries on a given list might be out of date.
Forums are helpful places too. These provide a place for asking questions and interacting with people this way. This is fantastic if you feel like you’re in over your head.
The forum at AgingCare is a good one to turn to. While digging your way through the topics can be a little difficult at times, the site more than makes up for this challenge by how active and engaged the community is.
The Caregiver Space has a set of forums as well. Their most popular forum is for all caregivers, but there are also some more targeted options, such as a group for spousal care, one for elder care, and one for caregivers who are under 35 years of age.
Personal Growth
Personal growth is another important area, as this allows you to change the way that you view your circumstances and how you react to them. Doing this can even be more powerful than changing your situation to begin with (as surprising as that sounds).
We’ve talked about various personal growth approaches on this site before. Self-compassion is a very good place to begin, as this is an approach that can be used while a crisis is unfolding (the same cannot be said for self-care).
Gratitude can be important too, along with focusing on the present moment. Meditation and mindfulness apps can help to guide you along the way.
Some caregivers may also benefit from digging into their past a little bit. This can be very important for caregivers whose parents were not fully present emotionally, were abusive, or any other cases where the parent did not provide their child with support when it was needed.
You may need to see a skilled therapist to work through some of these challenges, although books like the ones below can help to get you started.
The idea here isn’t to lay blame on your parent for the past. Instead, understanding your past can help you to see your own emotions and reactions more clearly. Doing so can help you to understand what you can, and cannot, expect from your family members – and what the healthiest approaches are for you and for them.
Final Thoughts
How do you know if you’re a caregiver?
If you or your life has changed dramatically, then the term probably applies to you.
The techniques that we’ve talked about in this post, including realistic self-care, being kind to yourself, finding support, and personal growth are all important ways to promote the best outcomes for you and the person that you’re caring for.
Even so, the ideas aren’t a panacea.
You will still have bad moments and difficult days as a caregiver. That’s the nature of the role and, if we’re honest, the nature of being human. Good strategies and techniques help to make your more resilient. As part of this, you should be able to cope with the rough bits better and enjoy the good ones more.
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