How Expectations Shape Our Journeys and Lead to Suffering

It seems to me that very little of what we suffer in life comes from the events that are actually occurring to us or around us. While it may sound strange to say, the events themselves are neither good nor bad in their own right.

Instead, our views of events are based on our expectations and our interpretations. Most of the time, it is those expectations and interpretations that hurt us.

This idea is extremely relevant to aging and caregiving.

We may not be able to change our circumstances. We certainly can’t stop ourselves from growing older. But, we can alter what we expect. We can change the way that we see our circumstances.

In doing so, we can change our experiences of them.

What Do We Expect Anyway?

I find expectations fascinating. We all have them. Some apply to our lives as a whole or to specific events, while others may relate to people. We expect other people to behave in set ways and interpret their responses accordingly.

Exactly what we expect is driven by many things. Our history, our family, our religion, our society… to name just a few.

When those expectations aren’t met, for whatever reason, it can be easy to be hurt, to be angry or to blame. Expectations can be limiting too. For example, if you were consistently told that you couldn’t do something, there would be a temptation to believe that message.

Here’s one question. How well do your expectations actually match reality?

Here’s another. Do your expectations end up hurting you?

The Practical Significance of Expectations

So, why bring all of this up? The topic might sound like a bit of psychological mumbo-jumbo, but it does have practical implications.

In fact, I’m talking about this topic because it is an ongoing area of learning for me. I’ve found that adjustments to how I view life and what I expect have directly changed my own experiences.

What We Expect of Others

It’s easy to have these solid expectations of how other people should behave. In our own mind, those views may seem entirely accurate and should be what everyone else feels as well.

Yet, that’s not always the case. Differences in assumptions and expectations are often a key reason for friendships breaking up and for fights.

I came across this one as a caregiver

Because my time and energy was very limited, I tended to make the housework a low priority. I typically only did it after everything else had been completed. If I ran out of energy to do so, so be it.

I was a caregiver for my partner and provided support for his mother (who lived with us) at that time. She assumed that me not doing the housework was lazy and that I was expecting her to do it.

Her emotional reactions to those assumptions made our interactions difficult and contributed to flow on difficulties. If we’d been able to recognize and talk through our differences, things could have been much easier, but that didn’t happen at the time.

I’ve been learning it again recently

I grew up with certain expectations of relationships and the way that men and women ‘should’ behave. We all do, I suppose.

I’ve been starting to see how harmful those expectations can be – and how inaccurate. In a sense, the best way to explain is in the silly little things.

Perhaps I expect that my mister will always offer me a hot drink when he makes one for himself, as somewhere in my past, I was taught that people who love one another do that. For his part, he may not offer, because why would he? I’m an adult and am perfectly capable of asking for what I want or making it for myself.

It would be so easy to get offended or hurt because he doesn’t do what I expect he should. I might even get angry at him about not thinking of me enough, which isn’t true whatsoever.

That particular situation doesn’t actually apply to him and I, but it’s a good example of how some things can be viewed completely differently depending on the individual involved.

It seems that when there are many expectations in place, there is so much potential for pain and misunderstanding. For fights over nothing at all.

As a couple, we’ve learned to talk through expectations before they turn into fights. We talk about what behaviors look like from the other side and start to look for an approach that helps both of us.

Because, here’s the thing, expectations often aren’t right or wrong. Two people may have different expectations about how a given situation should play out, but they’re both just subjective points of view.

It’s a fallacy to hold onto my expectations as being ‘right’ and then getting hurt every time when they are not met.

Shifting inside my own head

I’ve also noticed that solutions to pain can come from within myself.

I’ve started to be able to see times where I’m feeling hurt because something didn’t go the way that I wanted it to. It could be something big, but it’s mostly little things, like wanting a little more time to cuddle one specific moment.

Tiny things like that aren’t something to really bring up, as they’re just moments.

Instead, I’m learning that what happens instead is good to. I’m learning that what I expected or hoped for isn’t the be-all-end-all. It’s just one potential path.

That type of understanding seems to bring with it freedom. Things hurt less often. When they do hurt, it’s often just for an instant.

It’s Not Fair, It Shouldn’t Be Like This

The idea of fairness comes up time and time again. It’s easy to imagine that you ‘should’ have something because someone else does or that life ‘should’ follow a particular model.

In my own case, I got strongly stuck on the whole married with kids model. This is one that gets reinforced throughout society and leaves people who don’t fit on the outside.

There’s nothing wrong with the model, of course. It was something that I wanted for myself, for a long time. That was the part that hurt. I wanted my life to look a certain way so badly. The fact that it didn’t was so painful. I watched people I went to school with settle into that traditional model and wondered why I didn’t get that.

Fair or not, my life just didn’t pattern out that way.

It took a lot of work and a long time, but I managed to shift my expectations. I realized that there are no guarantees in the way that life goes. My expectations, my sense of what ‘should’ be was simply hurting me.

The interesting part was that the more I shifted the expectations and the idea of unfairness, the more freedom I found.

Somewhere along the line I realized that my life could follow whatever pattern it did. It became more possible to choose things that bring life and joy, rather than ones that fit into the pattern of normalcy.

Because, the truth is that the idea of fairness doesn’t really make sense. Who says that life is fair? It’s not. It will never be. Expecting fairness is simply a recipe for pain and discomfort.

For that matter, even the idea of looking for happiness has more limitations than you might expect.

Expectations and Caregiving

The idea of fairness is very relevant to caregiving as well. After all, caregiving is often a time when expectations are turned on their head. Many caregivers never expected to be supporting their parents, children or partner in the way that they are.

Others may have anticipated the role, but not all of the challenges that come with it. After all, some caregivers face challenges with stubborn parents or with dementia symptoms.

Caregivers often find that they have little chance to live their own lives. The role can feel restricting, like you are boxed in. It can lead to anger, resentment and more.

There is no perfect solution for the challenges and emotions of caregiving. Every life is different after all. Even so, working to let go of expectations can help.

That process can make it easier to enjoy the good moments as they arise. In a sense, you end up living your emotions moment-to-moment, rather than trying to compare your events back to some idealized ‘normal’.

The concepts of acceptance and self-compassion are powerful parts of this process – and they are ones that can be learned.

If I Just Do This…

Here’s another variation on the same theme. We often get trapped in a pattern where we feel like life should look a certain way.

Perhaps it should be more filled with life or less stressful financially. It might feel like we need to hit specific goals so that we can finally get to where we should be.

There are plenty of reasons to improve life, of course. Growth is a good thing and humans seen to have a tendency towards moving forward.

Yet, there’s a type of danger in thinking that the solution lies over a certain horizon – because it never does. Thinking like that makes it difficult to enjoy life as it currently is. You end up with a situation where you are never satisfied and always looking for more.

A Youthful Attitude and Aging

The way that people approach aging is another example of expectations – one that is a little bit different.

There are many assumptions and stereotypes about what happens when people age. Seniors are often treated like they are incapable, that they cannot take care of their own needs and that they are cognitively slow.

While some health conditions can create fragility and other issues in old age, many people live out their later years with relatively few issues. Others may suffer from physical challenges, while still retaining their cognitive abilities.

Yet, despite all the expectations of aging, many people life completely different lives. They choose not to act their age at all.

• Some may retain the sense of humor and sense of child-like joy that is often lost with age.
• Others may wear clothing that is ‘too young’ for them or go to events where they would be considered ‘old’.
• Some remain highly active into their 60s, 70s and beyond. Some can even outcompete people much younger than them with ease. They show that fitness can improve with age, rather than decline.

Ignoring aging stereotypes and expectations isn’t just a nice idea. Doing so can have a strong impact on health. Research even suggests that the age a person feels ends up being more relevant than they actually are.

For example, your subjective age (the age that you feel) can influence your risk of death, along with decreasing dementia risk and predicting improved physical health.

A key reason for the effect may be that the age a person feels will directly influence their day-to-day decisions. Those who are ‘young at heart’ often mellow less with age and retain more of their core personality.

Interestingly, research shows that young-at-heart adults and seniors still get the benefits of aging. This means that they still grow in wisdom and understanding. They just do so without losing the energy that comes with youth.

In effect, people who feel younger than their biological age aren’t immature. They simply end up with the best parts of youth and aging. How’s that for a good deal?

This pattern directly relates back to the idea of expectations.

People with the mindset that they are ‘too old’ to do something miss out on more and their health can suffer as a consequence. Shifting around expectations can make a person’s later years more enjoyable and healthier too.