I recently met with a group of friends. We see each other semi-regularly to think and discuss spiritual matters, but it had been a while, so we started out by doing round the circle, catching each other up on our lives.
One friend spent the time filling us in about her husband’s recent health scare, including what had happened and the fact that he was doing better now. She talked a little about how it was good to see us all there and then wanted to pass the baton on.
Her husband (who is a part of the group too) had to remind her to tell us about how she was doing as well. It was heart-wrenching for me to watch just how much she struggled with that question.
The pattern is a familiar one for many caregivers. When you’re supporting someone you love, your story can easily get melded into theirs, to the point that all of your focus is on how they are doing and what they need.
You essentially lose your identity as an individual.
Losing your identity like this isn’t healthy – at all, and can lead to considerable emotional, mental, and even physical harm. After all, you still have needs and ignoring these for months or even years will never be a good thing.
The question is, how do you change things?
How do you find and maintain your own independent identity in the midst of caregiving chaos? How do you meet your needs when countless things are going all around you and you feel swamped?
In this post, we’re taking a close look at multiple approaches that can help, including taking a close look at your values.
Caregiving isn’t the only situation where you might lose your identity. Something similar can happen to some women when they first become mothers and also people in heavily co-dependent relationships.
How To Avoid Losing Your Identity
Practice Self-Care
While self-care can seem passe at times, it remains an incredibly important approach.
The idea is as simple as making sure you meet your own needs (and wants). This includes things like keeping your doctor’s appointments, taking time to relax, and getting some exercise.
Self-care is something you should be practicing regularly, especially when it doesn’t feel like you have the time. If you’re struggling with this, try starting small. Look for tiny things you can do that support you physically and emotionally. It’s shocking how quickly those changes start to make a difference.
Identify Your Needs
Self-care is important, but it’s also limited. Part of the problem is that we often just choose approaches off a list, like the one below:
- Take a bath
- Go for a run
- Read a book
- Walk in nature
- Meditate
- Do yoga
- Dance to a favorite song
- Take a nap
- Order dinner
- Pick up a new hobby (craft subscription boxes are a fantastic place to begin)
- Go for a drive
- Buy yourself a treat
Such approaches are healthy and important ways to improve your physical and mental health, but not equally and not all of the time.
For example:
- If you’re physically exhausted, going for a run probably isn’t helpful, but taking a slow walk or a nap might be.
- If you’ve had an emotionally draining day, you might need some type of comfort (a weighted blanket and a book works wonders) or you might need to do something engaging.
Your needs might not be immediately obvious either.
For example, Anthony Robbins talks about six core human needs, which include certainty, variety, significance, love and connection, growth, and contribution. While people vary in how they prioritize these needs, most of us need to meet all of them to some degree or another.
So, if love and connection is a current need for you, then the best self-care approaches will be ones that meet this.
Similarly, caregiving may seem overwhelming if your need for growth and variety is high, yet your situation means that every day is almost the same as the previous one.
For self-care to work well, it needs to be connected with your needs. So, why not take some time? You might like to look at how Anthony Robbins defines those six needs or at our breakdown of the needs and how you can meet them.
Looking closely at your wants and needs can help you to see where the gaps are. It’s only by doing so that you can start to work out the best practices to help you grow.
Get Creative
Don’t be afraid to get creative when it comes to meeting your needs.
Seriously.
It’s easy to get stuck on an idealistic picture about how to solve the problem (like taking a holiday and getting away from it all for a while). Getting stuck on particular solutions can become a problem when those solutions aren’t possible.
Instead, try going back to the underlying needs.
If you’re not sure what those are, you could try thinking about what you want right now. Make a list, perhaps. Then, take a close look and see what the common factors are.
For example, you might find common themes of rest and time alone. If that’s the case, how do you meet those same needs in your current environment?
Some approaches might include:
- Setting aside spaces of time where no one will interrupt you (I once made a ‘cave’ in my study, so that I had a place to rest, unwind, and even sleep when needed).
- Looking for shortcuts with cleaning and cooking, so that you have more free time.
- Taking a mini break, which could be as simple as booking a massage or staying in a hotel overnight.
- Hiring a caregiver or getting a family friend to help for a few hours each week so that you can go out.
Find New Dreams and Activities That You Love
A common caregiving sentiment is the idea that you’ve put your life on hold. That everything you wanted to do is out of your reach. Dreams like travel and career success, for example, are often all but impossible when an aging relative is dependent on you.
Even closer to home goals, like going to the bar at night, writing a book, having a healthy marriage, or getting away for a while, might seem overwhelmingly difficult.
Sometimes you can find ways to meet those goals anyway, especially the closer to home ones.
There’s also a different approach you can take, which involves finding new and projects, ones that are realistic in your current situation. This is something Dr. Russ Harris talks about a little in his book The Reality Slap.
Look At Common Features
One approach is to look at what underlies your previous dreams.
For example, what is it about career success that mattered to you? Perhaps it was status or a sense of significance. If so, what can you do in your current situation that meets some of those same goals?
For some caregivers, the answer may be to be a blogger.
Myself, I found a strong sense of significance on Facebook forums, where I can listen to and sometimes give advice to people struggling in the same way that I once did.
If you once loved going to parties instead, what was it that mattered there? Was it the social connection? The music? The dancing?
Even if going out late at night isn’t an option anymore, you might be able to get some of the same buzz by joining a dance class during the day (or even one on Zoom).
Look At Your Values
Looking at values can be powerful too.
Values are, quite simply, the things that matter to you. They influence your decisions and priorities, but they’re often not something that we spend much time thinking about.
When our lives don’t match our values, we can end up feeling deeply dissatisfied, sometimes without really understanding why. Unless you take the time to identify your values and work with them, solving that dissatisfaction is almost impossible.
There are a few places to begin.
One is to look at a list of values, like this one, and see which ones jump out at you. The trick is to focus on the values that actually matter to you, rather than ones that you think should matter.
For example, authenticity and compassion are two of my highest values, above almost anything else.
Those values mean that I love people as they are, whatever that looks like, and that it matters a lot to me that they feel safe to be authentic around me. I want the people I love to be their true selves, even when doing so is difficult for me.
You can also think about some of the questions below and the values that are associated with your answers.
- What inspires action in you?
- What times were you the happiest?
- When were you the most proud? The most content? The most fulfilled?
Do Some Journaling
Journal work is a fantastic way to get you back in touch with yourself. After all, there’s no one else involved but you.
The process doesn’t need to be complicated either. It can be as simple as recording your thoughts on a daily basis or answering a few prompts.
Even if you’re not normally into journaling, why not give it a try? You might be surprised at what you learn along the way.
Signs Of Losing Your Identity
While the loss of identity can sneak up on you, the warning signs are easy to spot once you know what to look for. Being aware of these signs can help you to hit the brakes early on and start to find yourself again.
1. Your Language Changes
An early change is the one I mentioned at the start of the post, where you start talking about him, her, or we most of the time, rather than about yourself. You might even do this when someone asks “how are you doing?”.
2. Your Thoughts and Plans Revolve Around The Other Person
Now, being a caregiver does mean that you need to think about the other person a lot – particularly when they’re very dependent on you. However, this shouldn’t be happening all the time.
You still need to be putting time and energy into yourself.
You also need your own plans and interests. If your caregiving role is intense, then you might need simple and close to home interests, but having some is still critical.
3. You Change Dramatically Depending on the Situation
For some people, a loss of identity means they become whoever they’re expected to be in a given situation.
In relationships, this often means that you take on the interests of the other person, forgoing your previous interests in the process. Something similar can happen when you’re a caregiver too.
4. You’re Always Seeking Approval
When you’re constantly doing things for others and seeking approval, you’re defining your value based on how other people see you.
This may also mean that you struggle when people are frustrated or angry at you, often feeling like you need to fix the situation – even if you were never at fault.
Final Thoughts
Being selfless and putting the other person first often feels like the right thing to do, especially if they’re struggling physically or emotionally. Yet, doing so never works well in the long term.
For one thing, who you are is important. Your wants, needs, and values matter. That doesn’t change just because you’re caring for someone else.
Plus, the more out-of-touch you are with your identity, the less you’re supporting yourself. This increases the risk of burnout, which is then a problem for you and the person you’re caring for.
As has been said time and time again, if you don’t care for yourself, you’ll never be able to support someone else. That’s just how it works.
Finally, if you’re seriously struggling with the ideas we’ve talked about in this post, you might need to look at why you don’t have a strong sense of identity. If the problem is most significant with your aging parent, it could be an indication of problems in your childhood. The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents can be a helpful tool for untangling loss of identity and dependency patterns between adult children and their aging parents.
Looking For Answers?
There’s only so much we can cover in a single blog post (or even a series!). Sometimes you need to do a deep delve, which is where the right book can be powerful.
Click the button to check out our favorite books for caregivers and why these stand out.
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