Most of the time, caregivers want what is best for their loved ones. But, actually doing this isn’t always an easy process. Many caregivers struggle to work out which areas they should be helping in and when it is best to leave things to the care recipient.
Finding ways to help without enabling really is critical.
Excessively supporting your family member isn’t just a tiring process – it can also put their health at risk.
The Difference Between Helping and Enabling
Caregiving is a helping and supportive role. There’s no escaping that.
Whether it is due to age, illness or disability, the person that you’re caring for doesn’t have the ability to meet all of their own needs safely. As a caregiver, you’re filling that gap, helping to improve their quality of life.
In some cases, your role may help your family member to live more independently. Other times, they may be completely dependent on you.
Neither situation is right or wrong. The difference between helping and enabling doesn’t relate to the amount of support that you’re providing.
Instead, the difference relates to the amount of support that you’re providing versus what is needed. In many cases, providing too much support is counter productive. Doing so can end up reducing your loved one’s independence, while placing a large burden on you.
That’s not all.
In some situations, providing too much support could put your loved one’s health at risk.
Take arthritis as an example…
Arthritis can make movement incredibly difficult and painful.
Watching a loved one struggle in pain to move can be heart wrenching for a caregiver. Yet, there is a ‘use it or lose it’ aspect to arthritis. Affected joints need to be used regularly or movement becomes more difficult, to the point that it is all but impossible.
In situations like this, it’s better for the care recipient to move, even when the caregiver could complete the task faster or more easily.
In other cases, providing too much support could encourage detrimental behaviors.
For example, going out to shop can be difficult and stressful for a senior, even if they have the ability to do so. In such a situation, the senior might be tempted to ask a willing family member to do the shopping instead.
It sounds like a benign enough request, one that might be difficult to refuse.
Problems start to occur when such requests become much more regular. They may extend to other similar requests as well. Such a pattern can create a situation where the senior is rarely going out.
Not only is the situation difficult for the caregiver, but it does the senior’s health no good either. Such a situation can even contribute to isolation, depression or agoraphobia.
So, what do you do?
Finding the right level of care isn’t a simple task. For one thing, every caregiving situation is unique, so what is right for one person might not be for another.
Plus, your approaches may need to vary on a day-to-day and situation-to-situation level.
As a starting point, try to look at your situation objectively. Think about the areas where your family member does truly need support.
You can also talk to their doctor about the areas where the senior will need support and where they can safely meet their own needs. Having this advice from a doctor could also help make sure you and your family member are on the same page.
Cases Seniors Who Want Everything Done For Them
While some seniors refuse help, others take a different approach – asking for help even for situations where they could do the task themselves.
Such a pattern often emerges after an accident or an injury. Family members often step in to support following an incident. Such support and nurturing is partly a way to show love, but it can easily go over the top.
It’s important to remember that allowing the senior to recover and return to their old routines is important in the long-term, even if doing so is initially difficult.
Other times, the senior may rely on family members because they are looking for attention or they do not want to make the effort themselves.
Regardless of the reason, setting boundaries is critical way approach the situation. Think about the areas where support is needed and areas where the senior is able to take care of their own needs.
Encourage your family member to meet their own needs in cases where it is safe to do so – while stressing that you are available for emergencies.
It may also help to visit the senior regularly in a social manner. Doing this can help them to feel cared for, while hopefully decreasing any attention-seeking behavior.
Some caregivers mention that they needed to take a much harsher approach, literally stepping back and allowing their parents to fail.
Curbing Your Own Instincts
It’s important to consider your own reactions too. It really is easy to provide support where it isn’t needed. After all, if you can make life easier for your family member, doing so may feel like a natural idea.
Other times, providing help is simply more practical. For example, it may be easier to do the grocery shopping for your elderly mother than to help her to shop for herself.
However, it’s critical to think about the care that you’re providing.
The goal is to support your family member – even if that means pulling back.
If you’re not sure, support independence. Seniors are still adults. Unless they’re cognitively impaired, they’re capable of making their own decisions (and their own mistakes).
One more thing. Try not to feel guilty. Caregiver guilt can be a tough beast, but it will crop up regardless of the decisions that you make.
You’re never really going to know which decisions were right and which weren’t. Besides, you’re human and the real world is messy. There’s no way that you’ll get every decision right. Simply do the best that you can.
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