Caregiving can be a rocky road, one that is full of stress and unpredictable challenges. While some difficulties cannot be easily resolved, there are things that can help. That’s why this post is looking at how you can use self-compassion as a tool for caregiving.
Self-compassion was a skill that I began to learn as a caregiver, largely because my partner had so much compassion for me. But, most of my learning happened after my partner’s death. I’m still learning a lot about the area. Perhaps I’ll never stop learning.
I wish I’d known more about self-compassion when I was a caregiver.
At the time, it felt like any type of self-care was selfish. I often felt that my own needs should be the lowest priority. That’s never a very effective approach. As many caregivers will know, putting your needs last basically ensures that you’ll never meet them.
Self-compassion would have been the missing puzzle piece for me. Had I been kinder to myself, I could have struggled less. I might have even been a better caregiver as a consequence.
What is Self-Compassion?
The simplest way to define self-compassion is this: “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend” – Dr. Kirsten Neff.
The approach sounds good, yet many of us aren’t compassionate to ourselves at all. We might even consider the idea as somewhat selfish and childish. It’s easy to think that the only way to progress is through discipline and tough love.
Self-Compassion Isn’t Self-Esteem
Self-compassion might sound very similar to self-esteem, but the two concepts are quite different. Self-esteem has a focus on performance and the idea that you are doing well.
While self-esteem has its place, it is also limited. Because it focuses on performance, self-esteem often ends up making you more critical of yourself. This is especially true when things are going badly.
Self-Compassion Isn’t Feeling Sorry For Yourself
Self-compassion involves an awareness of the challenges that you face. You’re aiming to be kind to yourself about them and about any mistakes that you make.
But, this doesn’t mean feeling sorry for yourself either. Too much focus on this area can sometimes lead to resentment, which isn’t helpful.
Self-compassion takes a different angle. It highlights the idea that we’re all humans and we’re all imperfect. We’re going to make mistakes. Many of them. We’re going to hurt people we love and we’re going to get hurt.
At the same time, bad things are going to happen. Life isn’t ‘supposed’ to go a particular way. Thinking that this or that ‘shouldn’t’ happen isn’t realistic and isn’t helpful either.
When practiced regularly, self-compassion can actually decrease self-pity. You end up putting your situation in a much better framework and have a more balanced view overall.
Why Self-Compassion Matters
Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion doesn’t depend on the environment around you. It isn’t based on how well things are going, so it doesn’t disappear when life gets difficult. Instead, the tough times are when self-compassion is the most relevent.
In practice, being hard on yourself isn’t an effective technique at all. People who do so often end up pushing themselves rigorously, doing everything that they think they should and looking like a ‘model citizen’.
That process comes at a cost. Pushing yourself that hard often leads to high levels of stress, which can easily contribute to physical and mental health challenges.
And honestly? Many people in this situation are extremely unhappy. They end up being much less effective too, especially when they end up suffering health consequences as a result.
Self-compassion is a way of embracing difficulties that you are experiencing and also yourself as an individual.
Self-Compassion Promotes Resiliance
Self-compassion can sound like a type of weakness. You might think it is better to be ‘strong’, to not admit what you feel and to carry on despite your emotions.
Research shows that self-compassion tends to make people more resilient. By acknowledging their pain and caring for themselves, self-compassionate people are able to adapt better. They work through the pain and challenges, rather than pushing them to one side.
Why do I recommend Self-Compassion as a Tool for Caregiving?
This field is so very relevant to caregiving.
While we might want to say otherwise, caregiving is often difficult. There’s no way around that. It’s tough to watch someone you love struggle. This is particularly bad when your ability to help is limited (as it often is).
Being constantly harsh on yourself is never going to make the situation easier. The process just makes you more stressed.
Where to Begin
Self-compassion is a hot topic online, so there is plenty of information on the field, including many blog posts and workbooks. One of the best authors that I’ve found is Dr. Kristin Neff. She has a strong focus on the field and has been featured in many different articles. She’s even considered to be one of the foremost experts in the field.
You can find details about her and her research on her website. Her TEDx talk on the topic (below) is a particularly good place to learn more.
There are also two great books that are worth checking out.
The first comes from Christopher Germer and is called The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. It can be found in various forms, including as an eBook, a paperback and even as an audiobook. The book is also one that Dr. Kristin Neff recommends, which is another reason to take a look.
In the book, Christopher Germer turns to his extensive therapist and mindfulness experience and highlights many of the lessons of self-compassion. A quote from the Amazon listing sums the concepts up perfectly: “We all want to avoid pain, but letting it in and responding compassionately to our own imperfections are essential steps on the path to healing“.
The second book comes from Kristin Neff herself (with Christopher Germer as a co-author). It is called The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook.
As the name suggests, this book follows a workbook style. It is based on Kristin Neff’s eight-week program called Mindful Self-Compassion. The book itself contains step-by-step approaches that can help you to develop self-compassion, along with more information about the importance of doing so.
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