Back in 2019, Dr. Phil made headlines for an episode titled “I swiped right on my quadriplegic boyfriend”, angering many interabled couples by saying that “You can be his lover or you can be his caregiver, but you can’t be both. … It won’t work. 100 out of 100 times this won’t work.”
Not surprisingly, the episode stirred up a wave of social media responses. The hashtag #100outof100 trended for some time afterward, with interabled couples sharing their stories about how they make their relationship work and how happy they are.
It’s easy to see why people were so upset.
After all, caring for your spouse is hardly unusual. Sometimes the difference in ability was there right from the start, like the woman in Dr. Phil’s episode who chose to date a quadriplegic man. Other times, someone gets sick, is in an accident, or starts dealing with complications of aging.
Whatever the reason, couples often need to live with differences in physical ability – and many of them do so well.
What Dr. Phil Got Right
Now, Dr. Phil’s statement that you can’t be a lover and a caregiver is incredibly broad and isn’t true at all. Plenty of couples have some degree of caregiving in their relationship – and are strong despite this (or, even, because of it).
Indeed, Dr. Phil’s approach reeks of ableism – a form of discrimination and prejudice that targets people who are disabled, often defining them on the basis of their disability, rather than other characteristics.
As one blogger aptly put it:
As a society, we should’ve learned by now that there are many flavors and colors and shapes of love. As long as no one’s getting hurt or abused, there are no hard and fast rules. It’s wrong to try to limit the bonds of affection, the types of love that we deem acceptable.
Also, it’s simply horrible to imply that disabled people are a burden and that they make life difficult for the people who love them. Such relationships have difficulties, sure, but disabled people still bring much to the table, including emotional support.
Still, as strange as it might sound, Dr. Phil wasn’t completely wrong either.
The quote that you can be a lover or a caregiver is harsh when looked at on its own, but it makes some sense for the situation he was talking about.
The episode in question showed that the couple was experiencing significant problems, some of which were linked to the man’s lack of motivation and unwillingness to do things for himself.
In essence, the man was strongly dependent on his girlfriend, much more than he physically needed to be. His lack of motivation combined with her willingness to help created a perfect storm.
And, interabled couples that fall into this pattern typically don’t do well. When this starts to happen, the relationship can easily move from being romantic to being almost exclusively caregiving-based.
Perhaps a better way to state it is that it’s difficult, if not impossible, to be someone’s caretaker and their lover. If you’re coddling them like a child and meeting their every whim, then you can’t possibly be having a healthy adult relationship at the same time.
This is an incredibly important distinction for any caregiving relationship.
As a caregiver, you always need to walk the balance between helping and enabling. The goal is to support the person you love, but not to the point that you’re at their constant beck and call.
Also, it must be said, that unhealthy dependency patterns emerge in so-called normal relationships as well. They’re not specific to interabled couples at all.
Ways Interabled Couples Can Do Well
Many interabled couples have healthy relationships and live good lives together. They face different challenges than regular couples, true, but those challenges can help to strengthen them and deepen their loyalty to one another.
The approaches below help to increase the positive aspects of your relationship and reduce the potential for problems.
Have Clear Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are an important part of any good relationship. They allow people to maintain their independent identities and make sure that their needs are met.
The best relationships have clear boundaries right from the beginning. However, it’s still possible to put boundaries in place further down the line.
Boundaries is an important area, but it’s also a complicated one, so we won’t go into any more depth here. We’ll publish a post on boundaries in the near future. For the moment, if you want to learn more, check out the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself.
Communicate Honestly and Openly
Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. This includes talking about difficult topics and being willing to work on solutions together.
With interabled couples, some of the topics might be sensitive indeed, like how to handle things if the disabled partner can’t go to the bathroom on their own or if they sometimes have accidents.
However, the idea of these conversations is often more difficult than actually having them. Loving couples tend to be able to find solutions, even when the odds seem stacked against them.
Make Time and Find Ways for Romance
It’s very easy to get lost in the caregiving side of the relationships (which, in one way, is what Dr. Phil was pointing to). This is when things start to get problematic.
As a result, it’s crucial to make the time and find ways to still be romantic.
What this looks like will be different from one couple to the next – and may involve getting creative. The first step is to simply think about it. What romantic things do you enjoy? What did you once enjoy? How can you get them back in your life?
You might start simple, with just a little more touching and saying “I love you” more often.
Maintain Some Independence
Identity loss is another problem. The caregiving role takes so much time and energy, that caregivers simply don’t have anything left for themselves.
This is unhealthy for the caregiver and the relationship, so it’s crucial to have some time away and to have interests of your own.
If your partner is strongly dependent on your support, having time out might involve hiring someone to be with them for a few hours. Doing so might seem overwhelming, but trust me, it really is important.
I was only able to do so a handful of times when I was caring for my partner. Those moments, though, made a huge difference. They helped me to feel like a person again.
Be Willing to Get Creative
Relationships are subject to countless social rules and expectations – ideas about what things should look like. However, those expectations are often based on the idea of people who are healthy and ‘normal’.
As an interabled couple, you might need to do some things differently.
That’s okay.
If there’s an area that you get stuck with, trying hunting online, particularly in interabled couples forums and support groups. Regardless of the challenge that you’re facing, you won’t be the first couple in this position, nor the last. Why not take advantage of other people’s advice?
Honestly, plenty of healthy relationships go against social norms.
How to Solve Intimacy Problems
Physical and emotional intimacy can become a challenge when one or both partners is struggling with their physical health. This is particularly true when the difference in ability wasn’t there when the couple first got together.
The topic is often highlighted on caregiver forums.
Some caregivers find that as their spouse became sick, the spouse had less interest in being sexual or even emotionally intimate. This lack of interest can be an incredible strain on the spouse providing care – and can feel like one more burden on top of an ever-growing list.
Plus, this loss of connection changes the dynamics of a relationship, often in a difficult way.
What do you do if you’re a caregiver in this situation?
The solution is going to be different for everyone, but the first step is normally to have conversations. To talk to your partner about intimacy and the fact that it is important to you.
This conversation can open the door to finding solutions.
Realistically, it’s possible to still have sexual intimacy in most situations. After all, sex isn’t just about intercourse. There are many other ways to find sexual satisfaction as well. The site Brain & Life has a fantastic article that offers tips for finding your way.
What If They’re Unwilling or Unable?
Sometimes your partner might not be able to engage with you intimately (like if they’re suffering from dementia) or may not be willing to.
What you do then depends on your values and priorities.
First, how important is sexual and emotional intimacy to you? Is it a deal-breaker if that’s missing from your life? There’s no right or wrong answer here. This type of connection is incredibly important to some people and much less so to others.
Second, is it possible to meet those needs independently? Again, no judgment. If you’re not sure, you could experiment for a while, see where you can get to on your own and how that makes you feel emotionally.
If sexual intimacy is important to you and you can’t meet those needs on your own, then you’re left with a few choices:
- Remain in the relationship. If you do this, the lack of sexual intimacy could easily lead to resentment and bitterness. Focusing on acceptance practices can help, but even so, this is an area to seriously think about. The emotional cost of staying in a relationship where you feel unloved can be incredibly high.
- Leave the relationship. While doing so might make you feel guilty, your needs are important. And, realistically, a romantic relationship where your partner isn’t willing to meet you part way may not be a healthy one.
- Look for satisfaction elsewhere. The other option is to find sexual connection elsewhere. This often means having an affair, but that’s not the only way. Some couples agree to allow sex outside of the relationship in certain situations (a pattern that’s sometimes called monogamish). Doing so is a way to make sure that everyone’s needs are met – without any betrayal.
Should You Find Outside Help?
There’s one other area to talk about – getting help with the caregiving side of things.
Some interabled couples choose to separate out the roles of lover and caregiver, by finding outside help. Hiring a caregiver for some tasks, like helping the disabled partner to bathe, can help to create a better balance in the relationship, allowing more time for romance and reducing the risk of caregiver burnout.
Hiring outside help won’t always be the right choice.
Some people might not be comfortable with anyone but their spouse providing care. Other times it might be too difficult to find a suitable match.
Then there are finances to consider. Paying for a caregiver, even just for a few hours, might be impossible.
Still, if you can spin the financial side of things, a caregiver could have a dramatic impact on your life and relationship. This is particularly true for caregivers who are also working and trying to raise children.
Final Thoughts
Interabled relationships have different complexities and challenges than other types of relationships, but they can be just as rewarding.
The most important approaches are to communicate openly and honestly with one another – and to get creative when necessary. This may include having some difficult conversations, but that’s okay. Talking about the tough stuff and finding solutions is much more powerful than pretending the issues aren’t there.
Most challenges can be resolved with those two strategies.
And, here’s the other thing…
Disabled partners might require care and support, but they still bring a lot to their relationships. For many couples, the positive aspects of the relationship more than make up for the challenges of disability.
Looking For Answers?
There’s only so much we can cover in a single blog post (or even a series!). Sometimes you need to do a deep delve, which is where the right book can be powerful.
Click the button to check out our favorite books for caregivers and why these stand out.
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