Is Self-Care Selfish? Where Those Stories Come From And How To Counter Them

Self-care. The idea has become a buzzword and the most frequently given pieces of advice for caregivers. 

From one perspective, it’s solid advice. Of course it is. You can’t physically, mentally, or emotionally keep giving all the time. You need to refill your tanks. You need to rest. 

Yet, many caregivers struggle to actually support themselves in any meaningful way. This issue is often driven or compounded by the sense that they’re being selfish. So then, is self-care selfish? 

What Is Self-Care?

Before we answer that question, let’s talk a little about self-care itself. The idea is exactly what the name suggests – caring for yourself.

More specifically, self-care encompasses all the things you need to do for your physical, mental, and emotional health. This includes exercise, going to the doctor, eating well, resting, relaxing, having fun, spending time with friends, and all the other important practices in your life.

This means that practices like pamper boxes, bubble baths, and time spent with a good book are just a fraction of self-care. They’re still important, but other practices are even more crucial.

Is Self-Care Selfish?

You probably already know the short answer to this question – no, self-care isn’t selfish. 

Here’s the catch: it often feels selfish. You might also have a nagging voice in your head that says you’re being self-centered and should care for your loved one more. 

So, let’s unpack the idea. 

To do this, we will turn to some philosophies about belief systems and how we can change them. 

The Relationship Between Beliefs and Self-Care

We all build beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. These are influenced by many factors, including our friends and family, traumas we’ve experienced, media, good decisions, bad decisions, and pretty much everything else. 

Beliefs then drive behaviors, which shape all that follows in our lives. 

That’s fine when the beliefs are healthy and beneficial, but they’re often not. Some sabotage us instead. 

To grow, we need to identify those damaging beliefs and change them. 

Doing that isn’t as simple as saying “self-care isn’t selfish”. You’ve probably tried that. 

You know why doing so doesn’t work? Because your heart is still stuck on many other pieces of ‘evidence’. You can’t just tell it that self-care isn’t selfish. You have to prove it. 

There are two big parts of doing so – undermining your old stories and strengthening new ones. 

Let’s dig into that, starting with those pesky old stories. 

Why Do You Think Self-Care Is Selfish? 

For this section, the goal is to get a sense of the stories you’re telling yourself, where they come from, and why they might be wrong. This helps to break their hold on you. 

You’ll probably resonate with some stories and not at all with others. That’s not surprising. We all have very different histories.  

You’ve Learned That You Should Always Give 

You’ve probably heard this before. It comes up a lot in modern media, including books like Burnout and Fierce Self-Compassion.

Many of us, particularly women, were taught that our value is tied directly to our ability to give. The more we give, the more we’re worth. That’s a seriously messed up message. 

There are plenty of counter messages – more these days than ever before. Yet, these don’t seem to get rid of those negative stories. 

Instead, we’re in this crazy situation where our minds believe both sides. To some degree, we believe we’re meant to give as much as humanly possible, while also being kind and compassionate towards ourselves. 

Attempting to do both at the same time doesn’t work. 

The message that you should give may have come from people in your life as well. This is common with narcissistic parents or those who expect too much.

Your parents might not have explicitly told you that you should be selfless. The effect sometimes happens subtly, such as your parents being affectionate and loving when you do things for them, but withdrawing affection or becoming angry when you prioritize your own needs.     

You Associate Rest With Laziness

Another common lesson is that we should always be ‘doing’ and improving. 

This mentality has even made its way into self-care culture. It’s partly why self-care practices like yoga, meditation, and reading are considered ‘better’ than taking a nap or watching a movie. 

Yet, resting is incredibly important. 

You might need much more rest than you expect, as caregiving drains you mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

You Don’t Have Time To Care For Yourself

Time is a common challenge for caregivers. There are many things you need to do and it mightn’t seem like there are enough hours in the day. 

Perhaps there are always things that need to be put off until the next day. 

So, you need to prioritize. This includes thinking about what is time-sensitive and critical for each day. Self-care should be somewhere on this list, even if it is just five minutes every so often. 

You’re Over-Identified As A Caregiver

Some people end up in the situation where being a caregiver feels like everything they are (mothers can run into something similar, where other parts of their identity get lost within the mothering role). This is especially common if you feel like you should be giving to other people and have done so for a long time. 

When you’re overly identified with caregiving like this, anything you do for yourself might feel wrong. 

The crucial thing to remember here is that you’re never just a caregiver. Being a caregiver is a role. It’s an important thing to do, but it doesn’t define you or your value. Similarly, your success or failure at caregiving tasks doesn’t determine your worth. 

What Are Some Alternative Beliefs? 

You Need Care To Give Care

This is probably obvious. You can’t simply keep giving and giving and giving. You’ll quickly run out of things to give unless you are regularly refueling. 

Not only that, but you need to support yourself in all areas. 

This includes your physical, mental, and emotional health. Sometimes, you’ll need to rest. Sometimes, you might need to move your body instead, perhaps through dancing and exercising. 

Other times, you might need to find something that makes you come alive – something that gives you a sense of purpose beyond being a caregiver. 

Try not to judge yourself if you need more support than you think you should. 

Seriously. Caregiving can take a lot out of you. It’s not surprising that recovering can take quite a while. 

You Are Valuable and Enough

For many of us, lack of self-care stems from the fact that we don’t love ourselves. 

When our regard for ourselves is low, then we regularly prioritize other people. We focus on their needs and always think about how to meet them, often without even realizing that we’re missing our own needs in the process. 

Self-care is tough when we’re constantly blind to ourselves. 

To succeed, you need to learn how to love yourself. To value who you are, regardless of what you get right or wrong. 

The best guide I’ve found for this is the Self-Love Workbook for Women by Megan Logan. The workbook heavily focuses on what you can do to improve your feelings about yourself. There are also a ton of approaches featured, so you’re likely to find at least a few that help. 

Learning to love yourself takes time. But, every little shift you make has flow on effects throughout your life.  

There Are Things You Can Let Go Of

In the previous section, we talked about not having enough time for self-care. 

Yet, time isn’t actually the biggest problem for most caregivers. The issue often lies with priorities instead. 

If it feels like you have no time at all for self-care, then you’re probably making it one of your lowest priorities. You might be trying to get all the important things done each day before you do what you need for yourself. 

But, you probably never run out of important tasks to do. There’s always one more thing. Then another thing. Then another. 

So, your self-care gets put off, again and again.  

Remember that self-care practices don’t need to take long anyway. Even five minutes once a day is a start. You might even simply focus on small self-care habits, ones that take just a few minutes to complete, but have a cumulative effect. 

While you’re at it, think about what you are doing as a caregiver. What tasks are essential and urgent? Which ones can be skipped or practiced less often?

There will often be room for compromise (almost always, in fact). After all, many caregivers do too much, often because they’re trying to make their parents happy. 

Try paying close attention to the things you say yes to. Do you automatically agree, even when the request isn’t urgent or clashes with your own needs? When does it feel like you should say no instead? 

You’re More Than Just A Caregiver

Even if caregiving is taking up most of your time and energy right now, it isn’t who you are. It’s important to remember this and act on it. 

Hobbies can help with this. These allow you to pursue something meaningful while caregiving, something that has nothing to do with your caring role. 

Staying socially connected helps too. Look for those connections that support you, preferably ones that encourage your passions. Women’s circles are another powerful approach, as they provide meaningful connection without being focused on caregiving.

You Can Prioritize Yourself Without Hurting Others

It’s easy to assume that every time you practice self-care, you’re choosing yourself over the person you’re caring for. But, that’s often not true. 

For example, you might start being clearer about when you can provide support and when you can’t. You’re still there for them and available in emergencies, but you’re no longer answering their whims 24/7. 

Setting boundaries like this can even help your loved one, as you’re encouraging independence. That independence is much healthier than excessively relying on you.

What If Self-Care Doesn’t Help?

What happens if you practice self-care regularly, but it isn’t doing much for you? 

Before you give up on the whole idea, let’s talk about potential issues and how you can make things better. 

Your Approaches Don’t Match Your Needs

Self-care is most effective if what you’re doing actually meets your needs. For example, in our post on hobbies, we highlighted the idea that they can be relaxing, engaging, distracting, or purposeful, and thatthe style you need will vary.

Similar patterns are true for other types of activities, for habits, and for self-care. 

Some caregivers will need to focus on gentle and relaxing self-care activities first, like napping, baths, zoning out to TV, and the like. Such approaches allow your body and mind to rest and catch up (especially if you’re dealing with burnout!). 

Once you’ve caught up with yourself a little, you can start to turn to the more powerful approaches, the ones that start to provide you with strength and energy. Social connection, exercise, and yoga are a few examples. 

You’ll need to check in with yourself regularly, especially at first. Think about what would actually help you right now, rather than what you should do. 

You’re Trying Too Hard

For most of us, overdoing it with self-care doesn’t mean we’re being selfish. Instead, it’s yet another situation where we are pushing ourselves too hard. 

For example, you might have a long list of self-care targets, then beat yourself up for not reaching these regularly enough. Some of your aims might even be unrealistic for your situation or energy levels, or simply not helpful for you.

The trick is to slow down, be gentle, and be realistic. Any little thing you can do to support yourself makes a difference. You’re certainly not failing just because you’re not doing as much as you would like to.

You’re Expecting Too Much

Self-care isn’t a panacea. It can increase your resilience and make difficult situations easy to handle, but it won’t take all your challenges away from you. 

In fact, the positive effects of self-care can be subtle and happen over time. You mightn’t even realize associate them with self-care at first. 

You’re Not Giving It Enough Time

You’re not likely to see dramatic shifts after adding a few self-care practices into your week. The changes are more subtle than that and they take a while. 

Also give yourself time to learn self-care and get into the habit of it. You might need to start slowly and be patient with yourself if the approach is new. 

Change Might Be Needed

Finally, self-care doesn’t fix everything. It mostly improves your ability to cope with what’s happening instead.

Sometimes self-care doesn’t have much effect because changes are needed to your situation. This is especially true if you’re often feeling burnt out or overwhelmed. 

Also remember that self-care is just one part of the equation. You still need to set boundaries, make wise decisions, and check in with other people. Self-compassion can be helpful too. This helps you to be gentle with yourself and continue to function well, even when there is no immediate respite avaliable.