It’s Time To Talk About Caregiver Abuse

When it comes to caregiving and abuse, most of the discussion focuses on elder abuse and rightfully so. Seniors are, after all, a vulnerable population. They are often the subject of abuse and the target of scams.

And yet, caregiver abuse is also a critical topic. By this we mean times where the caregiver is the one being abused.

This does happen and may be more common than we realize. It’s particularly likely when the caregiver is a family member and lives with the senior. This living situation often leads to stress and tension, which raises the risk of problems.

Caregiver abuse is often verbal and emotional, particularly by manipulative seniors who like pushing the buttons of family members. But, other times, the abuse may be physical or even sexual instead.

It’s easy to dismiss this type of abuse. To say that seniors face many challenges, along with cognition-related problems that come with some conditions, particularly dementia.

Such arguments are true. And, many challenging situations can be resolved by good conversations, boundaries, and by making expectations clear.

Even so, some caregivers do face regular abuse from the people they are supporting. In some cases, home ends up becoming a nightmare scenario, where the caregiver feels constantly belittled, under attack, and perhaps even afraid.

Is Caregiver Abuse Real?

Caregiver abuse is surprisingly difficult to talk about – and can be hard to imagine if you haven’t lived through it yourself. After all, a senior who needs caregiving to begin with is likely to be physically or mentally vulnerable. 

How can a person in this stage of their life be abusive? 

Easily, as it turns out. 

Abuse comes in many forms, as do abusers. Probability alone suggests that there must be a decent number of abusive seniors. 

At the same time, there are many cases of apparent abuse. Situations where the seniors behavior appears unreasonable or abusive, but where the actual problem comes down to something else. In these cases, it may be possible to find solutions and even to address the behavior with the senior directly. 

We’re going to cover both angles in this article, along with what you can do if you feel that you are being abused as a caregiver.  

On a side note, even legal definitions of caregiver abuse can be confusing. The site US Legal gives a definition that focuses on abuse by the caregiver (and ends up being similar to definitions of elder abuse). There have been studies on caregiver abuse that attempt to understand and define the concept. Even those mention that the topic is rarely addressed in depth. 

Breaking Caregiver Abuse Down

To begin with, let’s get the idea of unintentional abuse out of the way.

Seniors may engage in abusive behaviors, like lashing out verbally or even physically when they feel threatened. For example, some caregivers helping dementia patients with toileting find the process difficult for this exact reason.

Such patterns can’t really be considered abuse, as the senior often isn’t even aware of what they are doing. The site Dementia Care Central provides details about the link between aggression and dementia, along with what you can expect. You could also check out the book 36-Hour Day, which is a comprehensive guide to dementia caregiving.

In this post, we’re not talking about rare behaviors, innocent situations, or things that are disease-related. Instead, we’re looking at times where there is something else going on.

That said, the lack of intent doesn’t make difficult or inappropriate behavior okay. You may still need to draw firm boundaries or even shift away from hands on care if the senior persists.

Defining Caregiver Abuse

Intentional caregiver abuse often takes the form of manipulation, verbal abuse, and/or emotional abuse. 

The abuse is intentional to the extent that the senior is aware and responsible for their own actions. But, they might not view themselves as being abusive. Many abusers don’t. Also, narcissistic seniors may be so focused on themselves that they are barely aware of their effects on others.

This type of abuse often occurs throughout the lifespan. The site Psychology Today has a great article on types of emotional and verbal abuse that are easy to overlook. 

The video below highlights some red flags to watch out for too. While the article and video mostly focus on romantic relationships, similar dynamics can occur in other types of relationships too. 

Sometimes this type of abusiveness might be sudden, but many abusive seniors were that way throughout their life. After all, if your mother was emotionally distant and manipulative as a child, she probably still is as a senior.

If the senior’s behavior has suddenly changed, this may be an indication of a medical problem. For example, UTIs in seniors can lead to unexpected behavioral symptoms. Some medications and health conditions can have impacts on behavior and emotional responses as well.

What Abuse Looks Like In Practice

Abuse can take on many forms. The examples below all come from caregiving forums, where caregivers look to one another for advice. They’re an illustration some of the challeging ways that caregiving can play out.

Some members of the AgingCare forum highlight a serious complication of caring for someone who is abusive and controlling.

Such a problem isn’t just a theory either. It really can happen, like in the case below.

Being charged with elder abuse makes a difficult situation much worse. Even if you can prove that you’re not abusive the process would take its toll mentally. And, such claims could come down to your word against the senior’s.

When situations get this bad, it is time to urgently look for other solutions.

Should You Be A Caregiver?

What do you do if you’re caring for someone who is abusive to you? And, what if you’re deciding whether to be a caregiver?

The first point is that you’re not selfish for considering this topic.

Despite the strong social pressure to provide care, many people do struggle with the decision. After all, no family is perfect. There are always some difficult aspects that could influence caregiving.

And, let’s not forget, caregiving comes with its own challenges. You are investing a decent amount of time and energy into someone else. Some caregivers find that their health, finances, or personal relationships suffer as a consequence.

It’s not unreasonable to be worried about these effects, especially if your family member is abusive. Indeed, some caregivers argue that not being a caregiver is the right decision.

We’ll come back to the idea of walking away in a little bit. First, let’s talk about some other options that you have.

Begin with Therapy

If you haven’t done so already, therapy can unlock many doors. The process can help you to understand more about yourself and your family member, which can, in turn, help you to find ways forward.

For some people, therapy offers tools for letting go of resentment and judgment about the past. Through therapy, you may find ways to mend bridges and improve the relationship you have with your family member.

Engage With Self-Growth

You can also work on this topic on your own. There are now some powerful books out there that can help you to learn about your past and grow from it.

Two that we particularly recommend are called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. These are by the same author. The first focuses on theory, while the second delves into specific techniques for healing and growth.

Those books focus on emotionally immature parents, which may not be enough for cases where parents are abusive. In those cases, you may need to look into toxic parents and narcissistic parents.

Part of this learning often involves understanding that everyone is imperfect, along with the fact that how your family member is with you probably stems from their own childhood and the challenges that they have faced.

While self-directed growth can be powerful, it’s important to be wise about anything you read. Not only is each author biased in their own way, but they’re also talking to a general audience. They don’t know the specifics of your situation, so their advice won’t always be correct.

Consider Indirect Care

If you’re not comfortable being a hands-on caregiver, providing support indirectly may be an option. For example, you might pay for an in-home caregiver and be responsible for setting everything up, but not actually engage with your family member at all.

You could also get a legal guardian appointed to your family member. This is only an option if your parent is legally proven to be incompetent.

As part of this approach, you can highlight that you’re not mentally and/or physically able to take care of your family member. This type of claim often isn’t an exaggeration either – as caring for an abusive family member could have serious impacts on your health.

You’re not obliged to torture yourself for anyone, much less for a family member who never cared well for you.

Geriatric Care Managers can also be helpful. A person in this role can do most of the planning for you, which is ideal if you’re trying to avoid hands-on involvement. Such managers don’t come cheap, but if you can afford one, they may well be worth the price tag.

Find Support

If you do plan to go through with caregiving, then you need to make sure that you’re supported. The road is likely to be a hard one, but you can make it easier by learning how to respond to situations and not take your family member’s reactions personally.

The site AgingCare has an excellent article on elders who abuse their family caregivers (you can find it here). The piece provides important information about how to handle this type of caregiving situation and when it is time to walk away.

The comments under the article are fascinating too, as many caregivers share their own stories.

An online community like the one on AgingCare can be a good place to find support. But, in-person support is important too – as is taking care of yourself.

Be Realistic

If you’re going to provide care – be realistic. Some people become caregivers with the hope that their relationship will heal as a result. Sometimes this does even happen. The adult child may even end up with the relationship that they never had when they were young.

But, such a situation is rare. More often, the senior simply becomes more abusive with age, as the author of the AgingCare article highlights.

Saying No

In most situations, you can also simply say no.

Despite what we often think, caregiving is a choice. Even caregivers who feel forced into their role could have said no. After all, many people do choose to walk away from caregiving.

In the long-term, doing so may even be the best option for your family member. Take assisted living as an example. Many seniors are resistant to the idea of assisted living, but end up warming to it due to the activities and social support provided.

Finally, as one author points out, help does tend to ‘come out of the woodwork’. If you do call it quits, the state may get involved or other relatives. It may not be long before solutions are found that you didn’t even know about previously.

There’s a good chance that even if you don’t provide care and support, someone will in some manner. Besides, your health, your wellbeing, and your sanity are important too.