The Unique Challenges of Living with Aging Parents

Living with your aging parents… need I say more?

Many of us imagined that we were done being in the same house as our parents when we first moved out on our own – and certainly when we purchased our first house. Yet, here we are again, living with them.

In an earlier post, we discussed the pros and cons of living with aging parents. Today, we’re delving deeper into the situation and considering what things can look like in practice, including the day-to-day challenges and interpersonal dynamics.

Doing so is crucial – as there are countless difficult and unexpected ways that things can play out.  

Knowing how things can go may help you decide whether moving your parents in really is a wise idea. If you already live with them, then some of the topics below may give you valuable problem solving ideas – plus a reminder that you’re certainly not alone. 

The sections below are all examples, based on real situations that caregivers have been through. Many aren’t even unique. Instead, they’ve been posted by many adult children in many situations.

Also remember that running into difficulties with your parents doesn’t make you a bad son or daughter. Living with other people is often tough and parents are even trickier, as there are so many dynamics at play.

What Living with Aging Parents Can Look Like

Nothing is Ever Good Enough

Some people have a complaint-focused attitude, where every little thing upsets them and they’re rarely happy. 

This can be a nightmare for caregivers, as it may seem like nothing you do is ever good enough. Parents like this are often unwilling to do much for themselves. They want to make everything someone else’s problem instead.

What do you do when there seems to be no way to please your parent? 

Often, the answer is to try less. You’re not their counselor or their problem solver. They’re ultimately responsible for their health, not you.  

My Mother Refuses to Go to the Doctor’s

There are many versions of this issue, including a mother or father who refuses to go to the doctors, one that won’t do any of the advised physical therapy, one who refuses to exercise, or one that won’t take certain medications. 

There are some things you can do, like providing gentle advice and reminders, or setting them up with a therapist. 

If they’re living in your house, you could also give them an ultimatum, saying that they can only remain if they’re going to care for themselves. However, even this may not be enough to get them to make a change. 

What else do you do?

Well, in almost all situations, your parent has the right to make decisions for themselves. This includes not following the doctor’s advice, not bathing, and whatever else. 

You can’t force changes, so you need to consider what you can do for yourself. 

This could mean that your parent needs to live in a facility rather than with you. Or, if they remain at your home, perhaps you step back and allow your parent to make the decisions they are going to. 

Protecting Yourself

Also, when parents aren’t meeting their own needs, it’s important to find ways to protect yourself. Otherwise there’s a risk that adult protective services (APS) gets called and you are accused of neglect. 

To do so, you need to document everything. You may even need to talk to APS yourself and contact a lawyer, so that your parent’s decisions are clear. 

My Father Does Too Much

The reverse problem also happens where parents are doing too much – potentially putting them at risk. 

I remember one story on the forums where an aging father was regularly cleaning gutters on a ladder. His daughter was terrified he would hurt himself and wanted to know how to get him to slow down. 

The answer? 

Well, it’s the same theme as we’ve already been talking about – you can’t force your parent to do less. 

And honestly, is doing too much really the worst thing in the world? Many seniors feel a loss of direction and purpose after retirement. If your parent has found something that excites them, why mess with that? 

Also, might you be being overprotective? Some adult children do this as their parents age. Protecting them is valuable, but not if you’re pushing against their autonomy. 

How Can I Help My Father Find A Purpose?

This question sometimes comes up on the forums, where an aging parent lives at home and doesn’t want to do anything. Perhaps they even start talking about death or look forward to it. 

You have a few options here. 

One is to try and convince them otherwise. This could involve talking to them about the good things in life, what life still has to offer, and the rest. You might also try to get them out more and engaged. 

This can be a good starting point, but it won’t always be effective. 

Another option is to talk to their doctor, as their mindset could be related to depression. If depression is a factor, the doctor should be able to work on a treatment plan. 

Doing so is particularly relevant if the senior has experienced a sudden change in perspective.  

However, these approaches won’t always solve anything. 

Your father may simply not be willing to work on this. And, if he’s at the end of his life and is ill, is this so surprising? 

What then?

We come back to the same principle again – that you can’t control other people. 

Plus, constantly pushing and prodding an aging parent is likely to make them feel worse. If your parent is simply old, tired, and wants to rest, it may be best to simply help them be as comfortable as they can. 

Mom Gets Angry When I Shut My Door

Some adult children deal with parents who are angry or belligerent about unreasonable things. 

A surprisingly common one is parents who completely ignore boundaries. This can include wanting to follow their children into any room with no notice and getting angry if they’re restricted. 

I saw this mentioned on the forums a few times, from a daughter who was working from home and caring for her mother, and found her mother got furious anytime she even shut the door while she was working. 

Unfortunately, many parents (particularly narcissistic ones) aren’t good at boundaries whatsoever. They get offended instead and take any perceived rejection as a threat. 

There are two valuable approaches here. 

The first is to talk to your parent about boundaries. This may include explaining what you’re doing and that it isn’t rejection. 

You might also explain why, like the idea that you need some time alone. However, this is something to take on a case-by-case basis, as some parents will simply use your reasons as ammunition. 

The second thing is to make your boundaries anyway, even if the parent doesn’t understand or gets angry. 

I can’t stress this enough. Your boundaries are valid even if your loved one disagrees with them. And, honestly, any parent that disrespects basic boundaries probably has other issues with how they see the world. 

My Mom Won’t Help with Any Housework

Issues with housework come up in every living situation. 

It’s not surprising, really. We all have different ideas of what needs to be doing and whose responsibility it is. 

The most important thing here is communication. Truly. The differences between people’s expectations are easily missed unless you actually talk about them. 

It’s best to have this conversation before your parent moves in. This way you’ll have a sense of whether things are likely to work before things get underway. 

And, regardless of the timing, try having this as a conversation, rather than posing an ultimatum. Use this as a chance to learn more about her point of view, what she’s able to do, what she finds difficult, and where your wants intersect. 

Approaching the topic in a friendly way increases your chance of finding solutions that work. Remember to be realistic too, as an aging parent may not have the physical ability or mental capacity to help in the way they may have in the past.

However, solutions aren’t guaranteed here. A parent who is lazy, stubborn, or self-centered might simply refuse to help. They might even run with an argument like “It’s your house, so it’s your responsibility.”

Abusive Parents

Many of the cases we’ve talked about involve differences in perspectives, like your mother not wanting to do housework or your father having little interest in life. 

But, those aren’t the only issues. What if your aging parent is actively abusive? 

Sometimes this takes the form of verbal or emotional abuse, like parents who regularly call their children names, belittle them, and make snide remarks. This type of abuse can be incredibly difficult and draining, especially when you’re dealing with it day after day, week after week.

Occasionally parents are even physically abusive. This happens most often with dementia patients, but isn’t exclusive to this group.

Caregiver abuse isn’t well-recognized, but it shouldn’t be dismissed. It can have devastating effects on your physical and mental health, especially if it is ongoing.

So, what do you do?

First, don’t dismiss what’s happening. It’s easy to imagine that you’re being overly sensitive or thin skinned, but you’re not. Verbal and emotional abuse is a very real thing.

Setting clear boundaries and talking to your parent may help in some situations. For example, you might tell your parent that you won’t tolerate particular things. If they do them anyway, then you leave the room (or the house). They might not like the idea, but they should catch on quickly if they’re dependent on you.

You may also need to think about what you’re willing to put up with.

If you’re going to remain as a caregiver (and you’re certainly not obliged to), you’ll need ways to protect yourself. This might include finding approaches that help you to step back and disengage emotionally, along with plenty of breaks.

Think about the future too. When are things too much? What’s the point where you need to stop and walk away?

Dad Wants To Be In Control

Some aging parents may not seem abusive, but they are controlling. They may be very particular about how they want things and become angry or passive-aggressive if you want to do things differently.

This can be incredibly frustrating, especially if they live in your house.

The best way forward will depend on where the balance of power lies.

If you’re living with them, then they do have some authority. If they’re in your place instead, then you ultimately get to define the house rules.

As with some of the earlier situations, part of the answer here is to start setting boundaries – even if your parent gets upset or angry at the process. But remember, you can’t force your aging parents to do anything. Often, the best you can do will be to hold firm to your decisions, even if they are angry and judgmental about you doing so.

Living With My Mom Is Killing Me

Many of the situations we’ve been talking about are overwhelmingly challenging.

Making progress can feel like a constant battle, especially if your parents refuse to compromise or don’t see your point of view. You might find that everything is draining, that you have no space for your own needs, and that life is almost being sucked out of you.

Any of these issues suggest that you shouldn’t keep living with your parent.

After all, if things are this bad now and problem solving attempts have failed – the situation probably won’t improve. Problems might even get worse, as the senior’s health declines.

Changing the living situation is difficult and requires some tough conversations. But, you still need to do so. Seriously. Your health matters and the current situation isn’t helpful.

If it makes the decision any easier, the current living situation probably isn’t helpful for the senior either. It’s likely to be highly stressful and could even be enabling unhealthy behaviors. It’s often much better to cut things off, even if the idea makes them angry or hurt at first.

How Do I Make Her Accept That This Isn’t Working?

Sometimes living with your aging parent just doesn’t work. There may be constant drama and fights. Or, it might feel like there isn’t enough space for your own needs anymore. 

Ideally, everyone sees the issue and you can find an amenable solution together. 

But, this often isn’t the case. Some parents simply refuse to acknowledge the obvious. They may become insulted or combative when the topic is raised. 

If this happens, you might need to find solutions despite them. Doing so may involve looking for external advice and even legal counsel, in case things turn nasty (and they may). 

For example, some forum discussions talk about refusing to let the parent return home after they visit the hospital. Others talk about taking the hard line and telling your parents they can’t live with you anymore. Or, if you live with them, perhaps it’s simply time to leave. 

This sounds like an awful approach, but some parents simply won’t come around. Perhaps they’re too wrapped up in their own head and own pain to understand your point of view. Or, perhaps they don’t want to.

Some General Principles

Work on What You Can Control

Many of the situations we’ve discussed come back to the same idea – that you can’t control what your aging parents do or how they feel. 

You can make suggestions, requests, and try to help, but you can’t actually force them. 

It’s often better to completely switch the focus instead. Rather than trying to control your parent, think about what you want and don’t want in your own home, along with what you want and need for yourself.

For example, a parent who doesn’t want to get out of bed often or spends all day watching television mightn’t be a problem. But, one who is also belligerent and wants everything done for them could quickly become grating.

Set Ground Rules

Ground rules are incredibly important. They help ensure that everyone is on the same page, with the same expectations.

These conversations can be difficult, especially with parents, but they’re also essential. For example, they help you determine how much your parent is paying, what housework they’re doing, what’s expected of them, what they expect of you, and the like. 

Such conversations are also excellent tests of the situation. After all, if you can’t reach common ground in a simple conversation, how could living together ever work well?

Write Things Down

Also, even if your parent is incredibly trustworthy, make sure everything is written down. This is simply good insurance, as it’s easy to forget the specifics of an agreement a few years down the track. 

If your parent is at all manipulative, you may even need to get a lawyer involved. I know this sounds extreme, but you don’t want to be caught in a situation where your living situation is horrible and the senior refuses to leave.  

Make Boundaries and Care for Yourself

Boundaries are an essential aspect of any healthy relationship. 

They’re also tricky – particularly with aging parents. It’s easy to back down because you’re trying to please someone else. 

But, to live well with your parents, you’ll need excellent boundaries. 

This often includes making sure you have a safe and private space in the house, where you can decompress and come back to yourself, without fear of interruption.  

Don’t Take Responsibility for Too Much 

Some adult children are highly involved with their aging parents. This can include trying to get them out of bed every day, pushing them to be social, doing everything under the sun to make them happy, and many similar approaches. 

There’s some merit in doing this, but only to a point. 

After all, you can’t literally make someone else happy. Their emotional state is their responsibility and it’s certainly not in your control. 

In fact, some aging parents seem dead set on being miserable and manage to find the worst interpretation of everything under the sun. 

It often helps to step back. Recognize that your parent is responsible for their own mental and emotional health. Help them, by all means, but not to the extent that you’re hurting yourself.

They May Never See Your Perspective

Many problems with aging parents can be resolved with a reasonable conversation. But, this isn’t always the case. 

Sometimes people are simply too polarized and every conversation just turns into an argument. This is particularly true if your values are very different than your parents. 

You may also be dealing with a stubborn, emotionally immature, or even narcissistic parent. Parents in these groups may be unwilling to compromise. They might even be completely locked into their own perspectives and needs, and be completely unable to understand yours. 

Living with a parent like this requires a huge amount of patience. You’ll also need firm boundaries and the ability to stick to your decisions, even when your aging parent can’t understand where you’re coming from. 

Should You Live with Aging Parents?

As we discussed in a previous post, living with aging parents does have some advantages. You’re on hand to help them with their needs, which could mean you’re not as worried and can avoid hiring help. 

The arrangement may also be safer and less expensive for them. 

There are also countless situations where living with aging parents really does go well. Some families have a pleasant experience from start to finish. Others manage to work through dramas as they arise, growing the relationship with their parents in the process. 

Whether you should live with them or not entirely depends on your situation. 

It’s important to weigh up the pros and cons as they relate to you. Also think about your parents (or parents). Here are some questions to get you started. 

• How do they get along with the rest of the family? 
• Are they easygoing or do they like things ‘just so’? 
• Whose house is it? If it’s theirs, you have less authority and may not get the final word. 
• Are there any known points of contention? For example, if your parent likes things tidier than you do, this could easily become a point of resentment or drama. 
• Do they have any mental health issues? Conditions like depression, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, bipolar, autism spectrum disorders, and others influence people’s emotional responses and how they interact with other people. Any of them can make living with an aging parent much more complicated.  
• Do they respect boundaries?

Remember, any issues that are present now will probably increase once everyone has been living together for a while. Something that seems tiny now might suddenly blow up and catch everyone by surprise.  

Final Thoughts

Whether you’re in their house or your own, living with your aging parents is a complex situation. There are multiple personalities at play, not to mention parent-child power dynamics, any unresolved issues, and the physical and emotional challenges of aging. 

The most important thing you can do is plan. 

Don’t assume that things will go well just because you want them to. Do as much as you can to make sure things are balanced – and have a back up plan in case it doesn’t work out.