Updated February 18, 2021
It’s easy to assume that as our parents age, they are going to remain basically the same person. Sure, they may face additional physical challenges and they may even be stubborn from time-to-time, but that should be the extent of it, right? Yet, there are many manipulative elderly parents out there.
In reality, seniors truly can be manipulative. Some of them may have been that way their whole lives, while others may have developed the behavior later on.
To make matters worse, caregiving can sometimes mean you have to take a hard line. Some seniors may refuse to eat, while others may be resistant to any form of help. Stepping back isn’t always a viable option either, especially if the senior is a danger to themselves or others.
In some cases, the senior may be unaware of the behavior or the reason why they’re doing it. Other times, it could be entirely intentional.
As a result, it’s critical to understand why this happens and how to respond to it – rather than just ignoring the pattern. Otherwise, you may find that the situation simply gets worse over time.
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Defining Manipulative Elderly Parents
Before we start, let’s talk about parents who are controlling and manipulative. What do we mean?
There’s a broad spectrum of behavior here. You might have experienced some or all of the following examples:
- Guilt tripping. This may include the idea that you’re not doing enough for them, that you don’t love them, or that you’re being selfish.
- Gossip. Your family member might be nice to your face and then tell stories about you to friends or family members.
- Control. Your loved one may want everything done in a specific way, regardless of what is practical or realistic.
- Complaints. A manipulative or unreasonable parent will often complain about their family members. It often seems like nothing will please them and that everything you do as a child is wrong.
- Easily upset. Sometimes your family member may get upset at just about anything. This may be used as a way to manipulate too, as you can easily end up going to great lengths to make sure that everything is perfect.
Why Elderly Parents Manipulate
There are many potential reasons for why some seniors are manipulative.
Understanding the cause (or causes) for controlling behavior is critical. The best approach is going to vary depending on what is causing the behavior.
For example, it may not be possible to decrease the manipulative behavior of a parent who is that way by nature. As such, protective measures and boundaries become important. But, if there is an underlying cause that can be addressed, it may be possible to improve their behavior and your relationship with them.
Key Underlying Causes
For this section, we’re looking at cases where manipulative elderly parents are that way because of a specific situation. For the moment, we’re ignoring cases where manipulation is a part of the senior’s personality.
In some cases, it may be an effort to gain back control over a situation where they have lost it. Likewise, some parents are controlling by nature (especially if they are narcissistic) and this can become amplified in old age.
Control and Power
As people age, their control over their own life and body often decreases. For example, they might face issues with incontinence, mobility, and the ability to drive.
This loss of personal power and control can be stressful, not to mention scary. Some seniors lash out as a result. Those that are helping them often feel the brunt of such reactions.
Issues like this can create situations where your parents feel resentful or powerless. They may even feel like you are intentionally taking power away from them.
Acting in a controlling or manipulative manner may be a way for them to try and regain that control. Such behavior may be more likely if the senior feels like they cannot talk to you and find a middle ground.
Health Problems
For seniors with some health problems, behaviors that look like manipulation may not be intentional at all.
One common situation is memory loss, which can arise with dementia or with some other health problems. This often means that seniors cannot remember key things. As a result, they will often go back on promises that they have made or contradict themselves often.
The timing or frequency of such issues can sometimes make them feel intentional too. It’s often tough to believe that your family member really did forget. This is even more significant in cases where the senior hasn’t been formally diagnosed or when there are challenges that haven’t yet been recognized.
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What to do About the Manipulation
The first approach to senior manipulation is to figure out the underlying cause and, if possible, address it. This may mean seeking medical support or even psychiatric support, depending on the situation.
If this approach isn’t appropriate in your situation, there are other things to consider.
Provide Them With Personal Power
Even if the underlying reason for manipulation isn’t obvious, increasing the senior’s sense of power in their own life can be powerful.
One approach is to involve them in decision-making more. This is especially true if you are acting as a caregiver for them.
These don’t always have to be important decisions either. For example, you might ask your family member if they want a shower in the morning or the afternoon, rather than simply telling them that they need to have them.
It’s also important to think about how much you are controlling their life.
Caregivers often end up making many decisions for their caree, to the point that the caregiver may take over some parts of their caree’s life. This is often done with the best intentions. After all, it can be more efficient to tidy up after your elderly parent than to wait for them to do it.
But, exerting this level of control can be frustrating for your family member. Think about how it would feel if someone did something similar for you.
Taking a step back and allowing your family member to control their life more is a powerful approach. It might be a little difficult emotionally at times, especially if you could do a task much more easily than your family member. Still, doing so is important for you and your family member.
Set Boundaries For Elderly Parents
Setting boundaries basically means that you’re working out what you will and won’t tolerate – along with the way that you will respond to specific situations.
A good example is in the area of finances
Many people wonder whether they should bail out their aging parents, especially when that parent is struggling financially. There are many reasons why you would want to do this, especially as seniors often don’t have enough income to meet all of their needs.
Yet, when a parent is manipulative, this area can take on a whole new dimension.
- For one thing, some seniors will spend far beyond their means, often assuming that family members will help out.
- Some seniors may even feel that they can simply move in with their children if they can no longer afford to live on their own.
- Likewise, some manipulative elderly parents may want their children to help with every little thing, even if the senior could easily do it themselves. If the child doesn’t, then emotional manipulation often comes into play.
These patterns make it critical for you to take a step back and figure out how to respond. For example, having to run errands for an elderly parent every day probably isn’t practical, especially if they don’t really need that. Likewise, even if your parent is living with you, taking care of your own needs is still critical.
There is no single or simple answer about where to set boundaries. But, one key area to consider is what your parent actually needs versus what they want.
Another area is to look at family history. For example, if your parent was always manipulative, then you may need to draw harsher lines and be stricter in your responses.
In contrast, if the behavior is new, it may be related to a medical condition or the situation. If this is the case, you may be able to resolve some issues by providing them with more control or by working to understand the underlying causes.
Take Care of Yourself
Self-care and self-compassion are both important for caregiving. They’re also easy areas to overlook. Many caregivers feel guilty when they take care of their own needs.
It’s always important to care for yourself as you support someone else. Failing to do so can put your physical and mental health at risk. The care that you provide can end up being of lower quality as well.
This is a critical area for people with manipulative elderly parents, as they may suggest that caring for yourself is selfish. It isn’t. Your needs are valuable too.
Take a Step Back
Sometimes you’ll need to reduce the amount that you interact with your parents. This could involve providing less help for them or not being in contact as often.
If you’re a caregiver, you may need to seriously consider other ways for your parent to find support, such as through paid caregiving or assisted living.
In fact, prolonged controlling behavior is a form of abuse. This is true even if the behavior is unintentional.
This can mean that providing long-term ongoing care simply is not a sustainable option for a caregiver. That idea might sound harsh, but it’s true. Attempting to care for someone in a toxic situation, even someone you love, will burn you out emotionally and can easily contribute to mental health issues.
And honestly, it’s not good for them either.
You can’t be an effective caregiver, especially not in the long-term, if you are suffering from strain and burnout.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with manipulative elderly parents is never easy. There are times where you can help your parent and even reduce the manipulative behavior. Other times, this may not be the case.
You may even find that you need to completely distance yourself from your family member.
Feeling Overwhelmed?
Check out our Caregiving Consulting service for personalized support and guidance.
Is it really your responsibility to keep taking care of her? It’s amazing how narcissists keep finding compliant, ‘nice’ people to do their bidding. I hope you break free and find peace in this situation.
Can your boundary including going no contact with her?