When it gets to the point where your parents are unable to live alone, some difficult decisions must be made for their health and welfare. If you are lucky, they will be aware that it’s time to make a lifestyle change, so they will be open-minded about options. Otherwise, it can be even more challenging, and conversations can be difficult.
While sometimes it’s possible to transition your elderly family members to a senior care center of some kind – such as an assisted living facility, or a nursing home – doing so isn’t always the best option.
Moving your parents into your home may be the most appropriate choice. But it requires a lot of open, honest conversation – and lots of patience.
How To Move Your Elderly Parents
It’s been a year since we moved my mother-in-law into our home. It’s not always been easy for any of us – trust me – there will be challenges no matter how well everyone gets along or how much planning you do.
I have reflected on the past year for quite some time because I wanted to help others who are facing this major life change. So let me share 7 tips for moving elderly parents into your home to make the transition as easy as possible for everyone.
1. Be Empathetic
Understand that this transition is a major change for everyone. Your elderly family member has most likely been living independently for a very long time. She has likely become set in her ways and somewhat inflexible (even if she denies it).
Be patient and remember she is giving up her independence even though she is getting many more perks that should make her quality of life better. She may not recognize those perks right away because she is mourning her independence.
2. Be Generous
Your generosity will go a long way in creating a successful transition. Allow your loved one to bring as many “things” from her home as possible. Provide her the opportunity to choose what she wants to bring and make room for as much of it as possible (and reasonable).
The process is most likely going to require you to clear out some of your own things, but it’s important for the elderly to have things that help them feel connected to their past. This might be a collection of ceramic birds, or a favorite chair – don’t ask questions or criticize. It’s important to them for whatever reason.
3. Develop a Timeline
Schedule the transition to occur over a reasonable timeframe. Don’t drag it out too long, but once the decision is made, develop a timeline with step-by-step actions and a target deadline for the final move. Allow your elderly parents to be involved in the planning process so they feel valued and important.
4. Designate a Space
Depending on your situation, set up a space specifically for your new roommate(s). If possible, a sitting room, bedroom, and bathroom would be ideal.
It would be even better if you could manage to include a door between your living space and their living space. This provides everyone with a sense of privacy during a rather emotional life transition.
If it’s not possible, at least provide a small area for your loved ones to feel is their space where they can put their “things.” And respect that it’s their space now.
5. Plan Social Activities
Invite their friends to come for a visit as often as possible. Or take your loved one to visit friends. Depending on where the friends are located, you could meet at a restaurant or prepare a luncheon at your home.
Don’t leave it to your new roommates to plan these activities. They may not feel comfortable planning something in your home or asking you to provide transportation. Make sure you have contact information for their friends before the move.
Additionally, learn about activities for senior citizens in your community where they could meet new people and friends, and arrange for your loved ones to join these activities. Positive social interaction is an essential component of wellness at all ages.
6. Schedule Breaks
Arrange for you and your partner to take a break each week by going out to dinner, taking a ride, or doing something that you both enjoy together. If necessary, arrange for someone to stay with your elderly parent.
It is important to take this break regularly because emotions will be running high, and expectations may be unreasonable (especially when everyone is first getting settled). Set these standards right from the beginning to avoid problems in the future.
Do something special just for yourself every now and then, also. Go get a massage or facial. Schedule a lunch date with girlfriends. It’s essential to take time for you during this transition.
7. Involve Your Loved Ones
Go overboard to make sure your loved one is included in planning meals, scheduling special events, decorating for the holidays, keeping the family calendar, cleaning the home, etc.
Divide responsibilities, if possible. She does not want to feel “left out” because this will create a feeling of being unwanted. She wants to feel valued in her new home.
One Major Issue I Wish We Had Thought of Before the Move
Even when you think you have thought of everything to prepare for this transition, there will be something that you did not prepare for in advance. Our something was medical care.
Elderly parents have often developed long-standing relationships with their doctors. And, they may have several doctors who are no longer nearby.
A primary care provider, cardiologist, dentist, eye doctor, orthopedist, rheumatologist — it’s likely going to be hard to transition to all new doctors anyway. But please DO NOT wait until your loved one gets sick or needs medical attention. We learned the hard way.
It is very difficult to find a doctor who will see a new patient who is sick. We learned that they need to establish a relationship with the new patient before they will treat an illness.
As a result, we were forced to go to the Emergency Room and Urgent Care when my mother-in-law got sick. Twice. These two situations were traumatic for all.
But both visits could have been avoided if only we had made it a priority to establish relationships with local doctors before the illnesses.
Next time, I would definitely schedule new patient doctor appointments in the first 2-3 weeks of the new living arrangement – just in case.
You may find it helpful to do so, too. My mother-in-law is relatively healthy and we would never have anticipated that she would get sick and need medical care for 3 months shortly after she moved in with us.
Self-Care Tips For All
While it’s important to help your loved one transition smoothly and be respectful of their lifestyle, it is also important for you to remember everyone’s health and wellness needs (including your own).
Most communities have a Department of Parks and Recreation that provides wellness activities for all ages. It would be beneficial to explore options for both you and your elderly loved one to enjoy independently. Local senior centers and Area Agencies on Aging are other places to consider.
Do not allow self-pity, frustration, anger, or other negative emotions to create silent barriers within the home. This can easily happen and quickly become a way of life. As soon as something appears to be interfering with a positive home life, it should be addressed by all parties involved (even if doing so requires some difficult conversations).
Final Thoughts: Moving Elderly Parents into Your home
Remember, a growth mindset and a positive attitude are major components of how we live our lives. The success of this transition will depend on your mindset.
If you have a problem with the changes that are happening, I strongly suggest that you seek advice from your local Area Agency on Aging They have great case managers who can offer you suggestions about how to better deal with the many changes you and your loved ones are facing. It’s not easy. But it can be easier if you utilize available resources.
It’s also important to keep the line of communication open between all members of your family. Some adjustments may need to be made over time, but other families have done this successfully, and I’m sure you can too!
I hope you have found value in these 7 tips for moving elderly parents into your home! And I wish you the best of luck! Still undecided? Click here to read more about the pros and cons of moving a family member in with you.
Advance Planning Support
It’s never too early to think about the future. Kapok’s Advance Planning service can help you understand the process of advance care planning, including the paperwork involved and important areas to think about.
My family is going through this type of situation right now, and it looks like we’ve made the right steps to make mom feel at home. Thanks for this very helpful and informative article.
Thank you. I hope it all goes well with your mother.