My Mother Lives With Me and I Hate It

Moving an older parent in with you has many obvious benefits. You’re on hand to provide all the help she needs and provide company – both crucial benefits as she ages. The idea may seem like a win for you too, as you don’t need to travel as far to provide care. Perhaps she can help out around the house or contribute to your bills.

For some people, the decision works out well. It’s hard at times, of course, but that’s outweighed by chances to connect with your parent and a sense of purpose in the role.

For others, the experience is a nightmare. Refrains like “my mother lives with me and I hate it” are all too common on caregiver forums, highlighting the challenge of living with older parents.

Notably, these complaints don’t come from self-centered kids who think the world should revolve around them. They come from adult children who are already doing above and beyond. Many are struggling with the situation and with their own guilt about feeling unhappy.

These are people who try hard. If they’re struggling – then there are some serious issues to talk about.

So, why can living with an aging mother be so difficult?

Challenges That May Arise

Home Is No Longer a Sanctuary

Even if your aging mother is kind, supports herself, and doesn’t ask much – having her live with you might still take a toll.

Your home is your sanctuary. It’s the place where you rest and recharge after a hard day’s work and where you can truly be yourself.

Some of this gets lost when you share your home. You might feel like you can never fully relax, which can wear on your mental health. 

This issue is even worse if your mother tends to criticize, is rude or demanding, or challenges you at every step. But, even if they’re not… we all have our own routines and rhythms. Sharing a living space disrupts this.

Differences in Wants and Needs

You’ve probably noticed this before. We all vary in the things that make us happy and help us feel safe.

Some people enjoy being in quiet and orderly environments. This could include a focus on keeping things clean and tidy. Others might prefer noise and movement.

I’ve found this whenever I live with others. While I enjoy fun and music, I need peace and quiet to recharge. It’s awful when I’m overloaded and the house is noisy.

Another area is how much you engage with those you live with. Some people prefer spending time on their own, while others want to socialize for hours at a time most days.

Adult children and aging parents can easily be on opposite ends of the spectrum here. I’ve seen forum threads complaining about mom spending all day in her room, not wanting to engage – and others complaining that mom wants to engage too much, when the adult child simply wants to be left alone.

The living situation will work best if many of your needs naturally match your mother’s – and you can negotiate boundaries together for the rest.

You Risk Losing Yourself

We all have an authentic self. This includes a set of values, interests, passions, and behaviors.

It’s very easy to lose sight of these when we’re in intensive roles – especially with aging parents. Part of the problem is the desire to please. Many of us have this, where we’re trying to be all our parents want us to be, even at our own expense.

Caregivers often find themselves spending less and less time on their own passions, and increasing amounts of time supporting their loved ones. Some of this shift is necessary, but it shouldn’t get to the point where you lose your identity.

To live with your parent safely, you’re going to need firm boundaries. You’ll need to keep practicing your own passions and find new ways to live your life. Doing so requires creativity and determination (even more so if your aging mother doesn’t approve).

Here’s a crucial point – it’s not selfish to want your own life.

Caregiving shouldn’t ever mean you’re giving up everything you love, everything that matters to you. Giving everything up in that manner is completely unsustainable. It creates a high risk that you’ll burn out.

The Issue of Role Creep

Role creep is a related issue that’s worth talking about.

It’s where you start by helping out with relatively few tasks, then your role gradually keeps expanding. It can get to the point where you’re doing most things for your parent, without you ever intending to become their caregiver.

In part, this happens because it’s easy to say yes to doing just a little more.

Like, if you’re preparing them food at the same time as everyone else, they might ask if you can change one thing about their meal. Easy enough, right? Then there might be another change and another. Before long, you could find yourself cooking meals your mom likes and you don’t – or preparing an entirely separate meal for her every night.

Role creep isn’t exclusive to living with your aging parents. It happens in many other situations as well.

However, the issue is more likely when they live with you, as there are more opportunities for them to make small requests.

Many Things Can’t Be Predicted

When adult children think about living with an older parent, they often focus on what’s likely to happen. When you do so, you’re probably thinking about your mom’s temperament, her health, her finances, and how she’s likely to engage with your family.

But… you don’t know what you don’t know.

Take the support you provide as an example.

Even if your mom is pretty independent right now, she probably won’t stay that way. Health tends to deteriorate with age, so your mom is likely to need more support as you go. Her needs could also change suddenly, such as if she has a fall or is diagnosed with dementia.

There are personality aspects to think about too.

Even if your aging mother is lovely and considerate right now, she mightn’t remain this way when you live with her. After all, we see the best and the worst of people when we live with them.

Many caregivers talk about how they got on well with their aging parents at first, then the relationship dynamics slowly changed, getting more problematic over time. Chronic health conditions, cognitive disorders, and the challenges of aging all play roles in why some seniors get harder to live with.

Also, you don’t know how your own life will change. What happens if your current relationship ends, you lose your job, or a family member dies? Big events like this will impact what it’s like having your aging parent at home with you.

Home Drama

The more people in your household, the more drama you’re likely to have. No matter how considerate people are, everyone has their bad days. There are also conflicts in personalities, values, and beliefs that come to the surface at times.

This drama can be made worse by parent-child dynamics.

In particular, some aging parents never let go of the idea of trying to guide or even control their children. Parents like this can make your home a nightmare.

Adult children may struggle to break free from childhood patterns as well and find themselves regularly seeking approval. That pattern can lead you to do much more than you need to, 

It Can Become Exhausting

Supporting an aging parent can be pretty exhausting on its own. The issue is even bigger when you’re supporting them in your own home.

Some caregivers find they have fewer options to recharge, that they’re always on edge and thinking about what their parents might need next. This issue is even worse if your aging mother is demanding. You might find that she regularly interrupts to ask for assistance.

You may also find that you have little energy left for other important things, including your hobbies and relationships.

Getting Out is Tough

Moving your aging mother in with you is often a big deal, especially if she sold her home or is no longer capable of living on her own.

If things aren’t working, changing course will take considerable effort. You’ll have to figure out an alternative, manage the financing, and help your mom to make the move.

That’s not even considering the emotional aspect. Some parents will be insulted that you don’t want to live with them. Others may get angry or start criticizing you instead. You’ll need to have some difficult conversations to improve the living situation.

Even then, your mother might not understand or accept your point of view. The situation can easily lead to arguments and hurt feelings on every side.

What You Can Do

If you don’t currently live with your aging mom, then it’s time to weigh things up carefully.

Don’t just think about what is likely to happen. Consider also how things could go. What’s the worst case scenario? How would you respond to it? Could you cope if things went badly or would your mental health suffer?

If you do go ahead or already live with your parent, here are some crucial approaches to consider. It’s never too late. The more you can put in place now, the better.

Write an Agreement

Creating a written agreement is a powerful approach. This allows everyone to talk about expectations, what they’re hoping for, and their needs.

An agreement also allows you to spell out what happens if things aren’t working. Seriously. Have a plan B in place, so that no one suffers if the arrangement doesn’t work.

Having things written down is also much better than relying on memory, especially as different people my remember events differently.

Even if you believe everything will be fine, it’s always best to plan for the worst.

Take Care of Yourself Now

Caregivers can easily fall into a waiting mindset, where your current focus is squarely on the care recipient’s needs.

After all, those are the pressing needs. Things like your hobbies, doctor’s visits, downtime, exercise, and the like can wait a little while, can’t they?

Except… those things recharge you and keep you fighting fit.

You probably won’t be waiting just a little time either. Instead, you may find yourself constantly pushing off self-care. Before long, doing so becomes a habit, which is dangerous indeed.

If you’re out of the habit of self-care, you might need to start small and slow. Every little thing you can do for yourself helps to make you stronger and improve your life.

Set Boundaries

You’ve probably guessed this one. Boundaries are absolutely essential if you’re going to live with aging parents (they’re vital for any living situation really).

Doing so involves thinking carefully about what you want and what you need, then being clear.

There may be some negotiation involved, which is fine and healthy. However, you shouldn’t feel that your needs aren’t met or aren’t heard.

For example, one caregiver forum member talked about an aging parent who got angry and abusive if the caregiver was in a different room when the door was shut. For whatever reason, the senior seemed to find it insulting that the caregiver wanted time for herself.

Needless to say, that’s not okay.

Privacy is incredibly important.

Consider Mediation

If things are incredibly difficult and just getting more overwhelming, consider getting someone external involved, like a therapist or a trained mediator.

Sometimes, it’s much easier to be honest when there’s someone else there to balance the conversation. That person may also be able to point out when there are errors in your logic or where you’re not being reasonable.

We all have our blind spots.

Find a Way Out

Finally, if you truly hate living with your mom and it’s not getting better – it may be time to end the situation. Doing so may include looking for somewhere else for your mom to be and helping her with the process. There could be plenty of drama along the way, but sometimes that is simply necessary. Hold your ground, seek advice, and be kind. Things will feel better once you’re out on the other side.