How Do You Respond To Allegations of Elder Abuse?

What happens if you put your heart and soul into caring for a loved one, just to be accused of abusing them? Learning how to respond to allegations of elder abuse is crucial – as such allegations can damage your reputation and even put you at risk of legal action.

The first thing is to take any accusations seriously – even if they seem absurd at first glance. This is because abuse allegations tend to get taken seriously. Even an off-the-cuff remark could damage your reputation.

The following approaches can help you resolve the situation as painlessly as possible. Of course, they’ll need to be adjusted to your own situation. For example, seeking legal counsel mightn’t be relevant for an off-the-cuff comment, but could be critical in a more serious situation.

How You Can Respond to Allegations of Elder Abuse

1. Be Wise With Your Responses

Being falsely accused often makes people feel hurt, defensive, and even angry. The emotions are all completely justified, especially as the accusation can feel like an attack on your character.

However, strong reactions can create the wrong impression. This is particularly true for anger, as people often interpret anger as being an indication of guilt. In contrast, people with calm and centered responses are more likely to be seen as innocent.

So, if you’re angry at being falsely accused, people are more likely to think you’re guilty. Sucks, right?

This is a frustrating pattern, as people often become angry when they’re wrongfully accused – often more so than if the accusation is accurate.

So, a helpful way to respond to allegations of elder abuse is to maintain an appearance of calm. This includes avoiding raising your voice, name-calling, and the idea of ‘how dare you?’. Instead, focus on the fact that you haven’t done anything wrong and that there’s plenty of evidence in your favor.

Avoiding anger doesn’t just make you look less guilty, it can also throw off the people who are accusing you, making them feel less confident. This alone is worth it.

2. Find All The Documentation You Can

The best way to fight allegations of elder abuse is to document everything, even when it seems silly. Make sure there is a clear paper trail showing the decisions you have made and why.

The ideal is to have been maintaining records right from the beginning of your caregiving journey. If you’ve done so, this step is mostly a matter of gathering the information together in a way that’s easy to understand.

However, many caregivers don’t document every little thing. After all, doing so requires time and energy, both of which are in short supply.

It might also be that you just didn’t think of recording all the information. That’s not shocking, especially as other people’s perspectives are impossible to predict.

There are a few types of documentation to consider, including the following:

Receipts, Bills, etc.

Financial receipts will show where you spent money and why. This is particularly relevant if you’re being accused of financial abuse.

If you don’t have the physical receipts, try looking online. You might be able to dig up digital receipts or even annotate bank statements to show what was purchased and why.  

Any Contracts

Any written (or recorded) agreements between you and the care recipient are incredibly powerful. This helps to show what was agreed and what each party expected.

Medication Lists, Information from a Doctor

Details about the care recipient’s health and medical conditions are often incredibly important. Among other things, these may show that the senior is at increased risk of bruising, is depressed, or has neurological issues.

Such information goes a long way towards showing that what looks like abuse actually isn’t at all.

Getting information from the doctor is particularly important if the senior has a neurological issue, like dementia, or a mental health issue. In these cases, the doctor will be able to talk about expected behavior and how the senior’s conditions might present.

A doctor who knows you and the senior well may even be able to confirm that you are providing good care and that there’s no evidence of abuse.

Character Information

Anything that speaks to your character is relevant too, particularly if you don’t have much evidence relating to the alleged abuse.

You might also consider anything that speaks to the character of the person accusing you of abuse. However, it’s important to avoid name-calling and slander here, as that approach can easily make you look more guilty, rather than helping your cause.

You can also think about history. For example, if your mom has always yelled at people, it doesn’t mean much that she sometimes yells at you now. Similarly, a family member known for stirring up drama isn’t nearly as reliable as one who tends to be straightforward and honest.

3. Get Legal Representation

Then there’s the legal side of things.

Even if the situation seems cut and dry, it’s worth seeking some legal advice. This way you can learn exactly what to do and whether there are issues to be aware of.

Doing so is important even for fairly minor matters, as an accusation of abuse can blow up quickly.

Also remember that there’s a lot you don’t know. Your view of the situation is biased by your own experiences and values. Getting external feedback is crucial and getting this feedback from someone who knows the law is even better.

4. Think About Everyone’s Intent

It’s also important to think about where the allegations are coming from and why.

For example, are you being accused by a genuinely concerned sister who has no idea of the work you’re doing? Or, does the accusation come from someone who tends to be malicious and/or irrational?

Not surprisingly, it’s much easier to convince someone who is simply concerned about the care recipient’s safety.

If your accuser tends towards the irrational or malicious side instead, then you’ll need to be on point with your defenses and get as much evidence behind you as you possibly can.

5. Identify About Any Missteps On Your Part

When looking at this topic, it’s crucial to consider any mistakes or poor decisions that you’ve made.

This includes thinking about the areas where you actually have authority and where you don’t. For example, if you’re managing your mother’s money, do you have the legal right to do so? This is particularly relevant if you’re using her money to pay some household bills or telling her that she can’t buy some things.

This is another area where having legal advice is powerful. A lawyer can help you spot where you may have been over the line. You could also look for someone who specializes in the needs of seniors.

Taking this approach matters because intent is a crucial part of abuse. If you made mistakes, then it’s important that you recognize these and seek to remedy them (preferably before someone tries to use them against you).

6. Make a Plan

Finally, it’s important to consider these different steps, weigh them up, and then make a plan. Think about what you’re going to do, how, and when.

In many cases, you’ll get contacted by Adult Protective Services (APS), who will step through an evaluation process to find out what is true and what isn’t.

While the investigation process and interviews can be emotionally difficult, they are incredibly important. The processes are designed to tell the difference between true accusations of abuse and false ones, so false complaints should be identified quickly.

Complications to Watch Out For

The basic steps of how to respond to allegations of elder abuse are straightforward enough. You need to document everything, stay calm and rational, and get legal representation.

However, there are some confounding factors to think about, including the following.

It May Look Like The Senior Was Abused

Some medications and health conditions increase the risk of falls and bruising, often leading to more emergency room visits.

Such issues can make it look like the senior was physically abused, even when this isn’t the case at all.

If this comes up in your situation, it’s important to talk to the senior’s doctor. Make sure there’s plenty of documentation about the increased risk of injuries and any medications that they’re on.

Other People Might Have An Incomplete Picture

Hands-on caregivers sometimes find that other family members don’t really understand what’s going on or the challenges that your parent faces. This is particularly true if the senior ‘fakes it’ around other people, making themselves seem much more competent than they are (this is sometimes called showtiming for patients with dementia).

An incomplete picture like this can easily lead to poor assumptions. For example:

• You may be accused of mismanaging your aging mother’s money, when in practice she tends to impulse purchase from catalogs whenever she feels low or bored.
• You may be accused of starving your father when he actually refuses to eat.
• You may be accused of spending too much on supplies, including products like incontinence diapers and cleaning wipes, even though such products are essential (and aren’t cheap!).

Thankfully, most of these issues are easy to explain. You might be able to find evidence through receipts or get their doctor alongside to explain common behaviors with their condition.  

The Senior May Accuse You

An even bigger issue is that the senior may accuse you themselves.

This often won’t be a malicious action, but rather a side effect of them not fully understanding what is going on.

For example, a senior with dementia may not understand that they’ve had an incontinence accident and need to be changed. They might think you’re being unreasonable and abusive. The movie The Father is a good example of how some situations may feel to seniors with dementia

That said, accusations can be malicious too. For example, a senior might accuse you in order to get control over their lives, like if you’re regularly trying to get them to eat and they don’t want to. Some seniors, particularly narcissistic ones, may also accuse with the goal of hurting you.

What to Do Later

Most of this post has focused on how you immediately respond to allegations of elder abuse. Most of the time this involves focusing on your defense and trying not to be reactive (as strong reactions often make the situation worse).

But, this situation doesn’t end when your name has been cleared. You still need to think about how you can protect yourself in the future.

Some of the approaches we’ve discussed already are relevant here, like having as much documentation as possible and getting any agreements in writing. It may also be worth drawing up explicit paperwork between you and the care recipient or between you and other family members, so that everything is spelled out clearly.

Beyond this though…

Should you stay with the current situation?

In particular, should you keep providing care if you’re likely to get accused again? 

The answer will depend on your values and the situation, but it’s worth seriously considering. After all, the situation could easily get worse next time, particularly if you have a narcissistic family member.

If you’re stuck with this decision, try looking for external advice. Online caregiving forums and therapists are two valuable approaches (especially if you post anonymously on a forum). Such environments can give you feedback about your situation, including perspectives that you mightn’t have thought about.

Final Thoughts

Being wrongly accused of elder abuse can be stressful, scary, and also pretty insulting.

After all, you’ve given up a lot to care for your loved one. Not only have your time, energy, and dedication not been appreciated, but you’re actually being accused instead. Even worse – the person or people accusing you may genuinely believe that you are an abuser. 

Thankfully, you’ll normally have some evidence on your site, such as paperwork, receipts, doctor’s reports, and character references. It’s also easy to prove that issues like bruises and stubbornness are common among seniors.

The best you can do is keep calm, keep your wits about you, and stack your evidence.

While there’s no guarantee that your site of the story will be believed – empty claims of abuse often look silly before long. Remember too that you’re not a bad person. The fact that someone thinks you’re an abuser says far more about them than about you.