Responding To The Guilt of Moving Away from Elderly Parents

Guilt is an emotion that will eat you up inside and can be difficult to reign in. There are many things that can trigger guilt. We may feel a little guilty after having an extra serving of pie or after lying to get out of attending an event with a friend because we wanted to veg on the couch and binge watch Squid Game on Netflix.

Some forms of guilt run deeper and fester for decades. Perhaps we cheated on a college admissions test or betrayed someone’s trust and lost their friendship.

In this article, I will discuss the guilt of moving away from elderly parents. We can start with a review of the push and pull factors – what’s drawing you to make the move, and what may be driving you away.

Some of you may be contemplating a move to a new city three hours away or across the country, while others are embarking on a move overseas. No doubt, the move to a new country carries a heavy burden on your shoulders.

With a bit of forethought and the right strategies in place, you can calm your worries and make your move as painless and guilt-free as possible.

What’s Drawing You to Your Destination of Choice?

Moving to a new city, state, or country can be exhilarating! It can feel like an opportunity to start fresh, launch or relaunch your career, or reinvent yourself.

Here are some things that might be making you consider the move.

Career and Job Opportunities

A new job, school, or internship can all be attractive reasons to relocate. You may be in an exclusive career where finding training and job opportunities are mostly available in certain regions of the country. It could be that the best schools for your desired degree are limited.

If you’re in the tech field, there’s no better place to be than the Silicon Valley or the Washington D.C. area. You’re in fashion design and want to move to New York. Your filming career is ready to take off – if you could only thrive in Los Angeles, perfect for aspiring actors and producers. If you’ve worked exclusively in an industry for years, your relocation options will reflect that.

A fisherman may only look to cities with active fishing ports; while a park ranger, forest fire inspector, or conservation specialist will look to regions filled with plush, green, woodland areas.

Financial Prospects

Closely related to venturing away for a new career or job is moving away to improve your financial outlook. You may have a business that caters to a certain population and will only flourish in a new city.

You may have hit a tough spot financially and are looking at cities with a lower cost of living. States like California have a huge exodus of people for that reason – it’s getting increasingly difficult to afford a home there.

The American dream usually doesn’t involve housing your family in someone’s basement apartment.

Love and Marriage

Perhaps, your long-term partner has to uproot for a new job or school, and you’re invited along for the ride. Or you may have grown tired of maintaining a long-distance relationship. It’s time to test the waters and see how the two of you and any children will gel when living together.

Young people who live in small towns may also feel compelled to move to areas with more eligible bachelors and bachelorettes.

Culture and Acceptance

Maybe you want to move to a more ethnically diverse town, or one that’s more accepting of same-sex couples, interracial marriage, or is simply more liberally minded. Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, you’ve noticed that even in America, the land of the free, we are very divided and the culture war continues.

You may be moving to a new country to freely practice your religious beliefs, which may be forbidden in your home country. Some people flee their country to provide their daughters with a formal education and protect them from oppressive laws. War and passionate protests over these rights never cease, so we can never underestimate the value of these basic freedoms.

Quality of Life to Raise a Family

Relocating to a new city may be the right choice to provide a better quality of life for your family. That can include many of the factors already mentioned, such as cultural diversity, opportunities, and cost of living.

When my family explored our most recent move, we made a list comparing our top three cities across criteria we found to be important. We wanted to live in a diverse and safe community, with access to good schools, be close to family, and where housing prices were still within reach. We were tired of the traffic in the D.C. metro area and hours spent on the metro and bus commuting to and from work, so that was a huge factor as well.

For some, a big move is the one shot you’ll have to buy a new home with the big yard you’ve always wanted. For others, the weather and recreational opportunities will be equally important.

Curiosity and Adventure

The reason for relocation will vary by different stages of your life and doesn’t have to fit anyone else’s definition of a ‘legitimate reason.’ Let’s not forget about the power of boredom. Being fed up with your current routine is a recipe for depression.

Forget about age-driven stereotypes. The adventurous bug can hit you at any age.

It’s not just people in their 20’s who are willing to up and leave for a new adventure. Even people in their 70’s have uprooted their lives and traded in their homes for RV living, or relocated to settle down with a new partner.

That draw doesn’t have to fit anyone else’s values, expectations, or ideals either. As a native of San Diego, raised in year-round perfect weather, I always fantasized about those other seasons.

How was life on the East Coast? The internet didn’t exist back then. But I vividly remember seeing postcards of snow-covered homes in Vermont during the holidays. I was not disappointed.

My first snowfall in New York was a jaw-dropping experience. You could also be swayed by the rumors, reputation, and glorified imagery of another country or lifestyle – is it the land of opportunity or something else? You won’t know until you take the plunge.

What’s Pushing You Away from Home?

Having the drivers clear in your head is important. However, don’t forget about what’s pushing you away from your home or your hometown.

The sudden closure of a large employer in your area could leave you unemployed or with shrinking job prospects for you or a spouse.

I was repelled by many things in my hometown. Gangs were rampant in the South Bay area of San Diego at the time. In my senior year in high school, my friend and I had to hide behind a payphone to dodge bullets during a drive-by at our high school.

Tension with former partners or a toxic ex is a big reason to put miles between you to protect your sanity. Or you may be newlywed and want more privacy.

In many cultures, such as in India and Korea, mothers-in-law love to groom their new daughters-in-law with outdated traditions and expectations that no longer fit your and your spouse’s views. To keep your wife from fleeing, you may have decided it’s time for a move to America or Canada.

A rocky relationship with family or friends can also weigh you down and keep you from making a fresh start. At home, my father’s drinking and my parent’s oppressive rules left me resentful and unfulfilled and was a huge reason for leaving my hometown back in my 20’s. I loved my parents and recognized that they had made countless sacrifices to bring our family to America after all. But it was time to make my escape.

Don’t ever underestimate what’s pulling or pushing you away.

Do you want to know what’s worse than GUILT?  It’s called REGRET.

The Guilt of Moving Away from Elderly Parents

Now that you know what’s drawing you and pushing you away, it’s time to think about what you’re feeling and what it means. What’s driving the guilt of moving away from elderly parents? Is the feeling justified? What can you do about it?

Are Your Fears Founded in Reality?

Some people feel that they’ll lose contact with parents and find it impossible to be there for them during difficult times. Keep in mind that the move may not be permanent. My sisters and I moved countless times between San Diego and other parts of the country.

Your parents may move as well.

Some parents will stand firm and insist they intend to grow old and die in their current home. That’s not always possible.

With global warming, the increasing number of natural disasters from wildfires, hurricanes, and tornados are forcing more people out of their homes than ever before. Worldwide tragedies, including politically driven hostile take-overs are also pushing families to make moves they would’ve never considered.

And all that talk about staying put no matter what?

Your parents may fall onto hard times and be forced to downsize. Many seniors do eventually open to the idea of a late-life move.

My in-laws fall in that category. My mother-in-law once told my sister to never move for any family, or else she’d run the risk of chasing them, only to be left behind if they were to relocate. Yet, contrary to her own advice, my in-laws (in their mid-70’s) moved across the country last year to be 20 minutes from us – a decision they made after visiting us just once. Many parents end up relocating to be closer to grandchildren, to downsize, or for warmer weather in their older years, especially after they’ve seen that you’re settled down and happy.

Besides, if there’s concern over aging parents’ wellbeing, you can find some key tips in the next section. There are various ways to lessen the impact of your move on aging parents and gather local resources for them before you depart.

7 Ways to Lessen the Impact of Your Move on Elderly Parents

1. Communicate Your Plans

Remember, you’re announcing your plans. You’re not asking for permission (if you find this idea difficult, it may be time to take a close look at where your boundaries are). You’re an adult after all.

Still, you want to give your parents common courtesy and respect, as well as enough time to process your impending move. Let them know what excites you about the move, the benefits of relocating, and how you arrived at your decision.

It helps to thank them for preparing you for this important step and providing the inspiration. When I left across the country for an incredible fellowship, I used my mom’s own words. I said “Ama. It’s like you told me once: This world belongs to those who dare to take risks.” Even with the best reasons, don’t expect them to be fully on board. They may grumble or even try to convince you against it. However, you may be surprised that they are more excited for you and supportive than you ever imagined.

2. Don’t Make Any Promises.

Before your move, you may be tempted to promise a flurry of visits back home. Refrain from doing so! That’ll set them for disappointment if you can’t come through.

You never know what may unfold as you get situated in your new locale. You may not have the vacation time needed, or enough funds to travel back home.

Instead, let them know that as soon as you get settled, have a better sense of your work or school schedule, and a better grasp of your financial outlook, you’ll check in with them to coordinate a visit. What you can promise are things like regular check-ins by phone or video chat.

3. Set Up and Leverage Technology Appropriate to Their Skill

We know technology has made worldwide communication better, faster, and easier than ever. But it’s only as good as the user.

Dedicate some time to sitting with your parents who may be less tech savvy and walk them through the proper use of any device. You may need to purchase a smartphone with prepaid data or a tablet for them, so they have the equipment to communicate with you, as needed.

Most people lack the understanding of what’s involved in helping seniors adopt a new technology. I highly encourage you to check out our article on proven strategies for helping seniors with using new gadgets.

Some important approaches include: Provide written, visual instructions in close proximity to the gadget, observe as they practice using the device, and make sure there is someone local they can connect with to troubleshoot issues down the road (a nerdy nephew who can help for a few bucks or even the local Verizon store rep).

Many local agencies are popping up, available to troubleshoot computer and other tech issues year-round for a yearly membership fee, paid monthly. 

4. Get Local Reinforcements to Help Your Parents

If you were doing a large amount of caring for an aging parent, your departure could mean that this work will be transferred to another sibling or relative. Be sure to iron out how things will be delegated going forward and how your parents’ services will be financed to avoid any resentment or miscommunication.

Communicate Care Needs

My two sisters and I hold ‘parent meetings’ about twice a year, usually commemorated with a picture of us and some wine glasses. This is where we iron out and divy up the caregiving duties and assess changes in our parents needs.

If there isn’t a sibling or an aunt to take on this role, you can coordinate with your parents to select another trusted relative, friend, or look into hiring a home health service provider in your area.

Find Additional Help

Paid caretakers can assist with things like grocery shopping and cooking, or rides to the doctor. If you decide to go with a professional service, you’ll want to be present when the homecare worker is first introduced to your parent(s) so you have an opportunity to vet them and clarify their caregiving duties. Despite being distant, you’ll want to make sure the agency or caretaker has a direct way to reach you, and you are listed as the emergency contact.

For example, we have cousins who check in on my parents on a regular basis. The gardening is handled by a young neighbor, who is a gardener by profession (convenient, I know). One of my sisters is in touch with a local trusted handyman and construction crews ready to address anything that falls apart in their 60-year-old house. As of about 3 years ago, my father’s Alzheimer’s disease qualified my parents for case management of the local care management services from Southern Caregiver Resource Center.

Look to your local Area Agency on Aging or aging services organization for assistance. They tend to prioritize care to highly disabled, high-need, low-income and isolated seniors at little to no cost.

Home Modifications

Consider modifications needed to the home or purchase accessories, mobility devices, and other tools to improve the safety of your parent’s home and help them stay as independent as possible. We have compiled a listing of many useful products here.

Important Documents

Handling specific family documents like medical and insurance claims, mortgage documents, trusts and wills, power of attorney, and other important documents is another way of getting prepared. Make copies of your parents’ health insurance and Social Security cards, with their permission!

In the U.S., you’ll still need their verbal or written permission to handle matters on their behalf. You can handle some aspects of the paperwork remotely, but be sure to secure a local lawyer or legal representative, when it comes to guardianship, property, or legal rights.

If either parent is beginning to show the signs of dementia, making preparations in advance is especially important.

Sending Money

Make sure there are easy and convenient ways to send money to parents in an emergency. Know their bank account information and the easiest, low-cost way to send money to your country. Be aware of potential limitations. Your parents should be able to find their way safely to retrieve the funds, either on their own or with a trusted party that won’t take advantage of them.

5. Make Communication Heartfelt

Don’t make phone calls so mechanical. You’re not the front office health assistant calling to remind them about their upcoming appointment. You’re the kid they raised. They want to know that you’re doing well and get a glimpse of every detail of your life – to the extent you let them in.

Aging parents love to stalk their adult children and grandkids on Facebook when they don’t hear from them. Don’t make them have to resort to that, or assume they’ll just follow you on social media. Directly sending communication to them makes them feel like you’re thinking about them, and they aren’t just one of your many followers.

Remember the Small Things

Small gestures like sharing meaningful photos of special events go a long way. Invite parents to video in during the grandkid’s birthday, graduation or other event they can’t make in person.

I regularly send videos of my daughter’s Taekwondo tournaments or soccer games to my family. Another thoughtful way to express your affection is through the delivery of care packages or handwritten letters on their anniversary, birthday, or holiday unique to your home country.

Even when we don’t have a chance to talk, we’ll record and send voice messages. To the extent that I can get my kid to focus, I’ll gather some craft supplies and have her create cards – those are more treasured than Hallmark cards.

Pay Attention

When you speak to them, listen closely. What is ailing them? What’s their state of mind?  Some seniors will disclose every detail of a medical condition. Others may not want to burden you and downplay the severity of health problems.

Just the other day, I called my mom out of the blue and she mentioned the lights went out in part of the house. We were able to then Facetime, and we walked her through the steps to find and reset the circuit breaker. So, yes…you can still be there!

6. Understand the Limits of Your Emotional Support

Before your parents were elderly, they were adults with their own personalities, philosophy about life, and level of emotional intelligence, who made good and bad life decisions. They are now reaping the effects of those decisions for better or worse.

It’s not your job to fix every problem for them, nor are you their therapist. Your guilt in moving away may stem from the realization that you won’t be there to listen to their every gripe and complaint or be their emotional crutch.

In your communications with them, be sure to distinguish what’s a recurring theme of negativity hurled your way and what are actionable things you can assist with.

Seniors Who Don’t Help Themselves

Some seniors severely neglected their health and now struggle to participate in many activities outside the home without assistance. Others never bothered to get socially connected to others outside of their children, finding fault with everything, or never took a hobby.

Despite you pleading for them to get involved at their local senior center or befriend that neighbor, they refused. If you have become their primary source of entertainment that’s a huge problem, and this move may be what triggers them to make a change.

Unless your parent is suffering from advanced forms of dementia, it’s ultimately up to them to take action, whether that’s agreeing to get professional help, joining the volunteer program, or taking a walk to the park.

7. Settle any Disputes

Unresolved disagreements and long-standing disputes could worsen when you move, only adding to your guilt. I’m referring to both personal and legal disputes.

That could mean settling rights to a property, repaying a debt, or quelling a feud with a buddy or a cousin. This will be especially helpful if it impacts the support your parents will have in place or their financial outlook.

Moving Across the Country vs Overseas

Moving across the country and overseas can also lead to ex-pat guilt. Expatriate guilt is a feeling that occurs when you emigrate away from your family and friends to a different city or another country. You or your aging parents may worry that you’ll lose fluency in your native language or forget about important customs.

Let’s face it. You won’t be able to make every special occasion unless you have a private jet and an ultra flexible schedule.

It will undoubtedly become harder to stay close and connected to friends the further you move away. These relationships will surely change. Often, however, childhood friends with solid foundations tend to stand the test of distance and time.

I have a pair of close childhood friends who never pressure me for gatherings. When we’re able to, we get together every few years, whether it’s to meet someone’s new kid or celebrate a graduation. Most friends are reasonable and accommodating.

Plan Ahead of Time

When moving abroad, it’s critical that you’re always looking about a year ahead. If there will be weddings or important holidays that you’ll want to be present for, schedule that in advance, secure the time off from work, save up, and search for travel deals.

Make sure passports and Visas are in order and ensure that you have the paperwork needed to renew or update them, at any time. Connect with other friends or family in your new city or country who may have tips for getting affordable tickets.

You’ll want to have an emergency travel fund in case you need to make a sudden trip home, such as for a parent being hospitalized or a funeral.

In Conclusion

I’m always amazed that the age of the guilt-afflicted person seems to be getting younger and younger these days, at least when it comes to the guilt of moving away from aging parents. Young people worry about not being there to care for aging parents, even when parents are rooting on their departure and are in relatively good health.

The best way to overcome guilt is to understand that while you can respectfully convey your reasons for leaving, do not expect others to validate or agree with your reasons.

One of the most common fears and causes of guilt when moving away from elderly parents is the worry over their wellbeing. Yet, many seniors care more about the loss and personal connection they have with YOU.

Nevertheless, you can manage to protect both. Securing the right reinforcements and local support will help mobilize resources as the need arises, while setting up effective modes of communication will help you nurture your relationship with your parents and stay connected in meaningful ways.