Resilience in the Trenches: Self-Care Secrets for Caregivers

Self-care. It’s a tough idea to ignore, especially as it is one of the most common pieces of advice for caregivers.

You’ve probably heard all the cliches, like “put your oxygen mask on first” and “you can’t fill from an empty cup”. Such advice is beyond irritating – partly because caregivers already know the concept. We know we’re meant to take care of ourselves, yet, practicing self-care isn’t as easy as it sounds.

So, let’s talk about it.

We’re going to dig into what self-care actually is (and isn’t!), and how you can start to care for yourself a little more during this caregiving journey. In doing so, we’ll share some of our favorite self-care secrets for caregivers – many I learned during my own caregiving journey.

Taking care of yourself can feel selfish, especially if doing so involves saying no to a loved one. Yet, self-care isn’t selfish at all. It’s actually the only way to provide sustainable high-quality care.

What Self-Care Is and ISN’T

Self-care has exploded on social media. Posts often talk about special ways to treat yourself, like the following.

• Take a bubble bath
• Treat yourself to a spa day
• Buy some expensive chocolate
• Get some new lingerie
• Put aside an evening to watch TV with snacks
• Eat delicious meals
• Listen to music
• Journal
• Meditate or do yoga

These all count as forms of self-care. But, self-care also exists in the smaller things, the ones that are less obvious and dramatic, including eating well and going for walks.  

Crucially, self-care doesn’t involve just choosing random items from a list. The goal is to meet your actual needs. Some of these include:

• Taking care of your physical health by seeing your doctor regularly, eating well, getting enough exercise, and getting enough sleep.
• Having regular social connection. To do this, you may need to build your own support system. This could include old friends and new ones, members of caregiver support groups, and people you meet online. Even a therapist could be a valuable part of your support network.
• Relaxing. Having time to relax is a need and an important one. Being on-to-go all the time is a surefire way to end up overwhelmed. Approaches like mindfulness, reading, and taking a bath are all helpful – but find the ones that resonate the most with you.
• Having fun. Like relaxation, fun sounds like a luxury rather than a need. Yet, busting out and enjoying yourself every so often is crucial for your mental health.
• Managing stress. Stress can easily get on top of you. Everyone needs outlets. Hobbies can be an important tool. Connecting with others helps as well. You might even turn to therapy, especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
• Keeping your mental health in balance. Meditation, relaxation, mindfulness, and de-stressing techniques can all help here.
• Find joy and fulfillment outside of caregiving. This may include volunteering, pursuing hobbies and interests, journaling, or working on a project (like a book or a painting).

Our Self-Care Secrets

Once you have an idea about your needs, you can start thinking about how these could be met. We don’t just mean the ideal solution. Get creative. Even just making things a little better is helpful. Here are some ideas:

Think About Multiple Ways to Meet the Same Need

For example, relaxing could include going for a walk, taking a bath, meditating for 5 minutes, working in the garden, or reading a book. There are plenty of products that can help you to relax, like adult coloring books, bath bombs, and self-care journals.

Social connection could involve meeting up with friends, having someone come over, joining a social support group, interacting with people on forums, having a Zoom conference, or just a phone call.

If sleeping the entire night isn’t possible, try taking naps during the day or consider an alternate sleeping pattern. You can also hire a caregiver to watch over the senior at night while you sleep (multiple programs may help pay for such support).

Be Creative About Solutions.

For example, think about online shopping. It might cost a little extra, but you can get the shopping set up any time of the day or night, rather than trying to get a shopping trip sorted.

Look for easy-to-cook meals. Seriously. You can eat healthily every night without spending an hour in the kitchen.

Look for Ways to Save Time and Energy

Any approach that makes life easier for you will help decrease your stress. Such approaches also give you more time for other valuable things.

This includes cutting out tasks that don’t actually need to be completed or doing some things less often.

You can also look for products that make caregiving easier or improve your health. For example, some of the tubular bandages from Kinship Comfort Brands help with aches and reduce swelling. You can also use mobility aids to help your loved one move around better.

Look For Help (and accept it!)

One trick is to ask people for specific things. Look for tasks that match the person well and that aren’t overwhelming. For example, asking a friend to care for your family member might be too much, but many will be willing to fetch something for you or perhaps help with cleaning.  

Admittedly, caregiver support can be hard to find. Some friends and family members may be willing to step up, while others will keep their distance.

Still… you don’t know who is willing to help unless you ask.

You may also need help emotionally. This can include a close friend to talk things over with or a therapist.

Therapists, especially those specializing in caregiver stress—like many therapists in NYC—can offer tailored strategies to manage your emotional load.

They provide a safe space to express and work through your feelings, helping you find coping mechanisms that resonate with your unique situation.

Therapists are also valuable for helping you navigate the relationship between yourself, aging parents, and other family members (including siblings). This is crucial, as caregiving often kicks up unexpected emotions and complexities.  

Pay Attention to Your Energy

Many tasks are easier and faster if you’re in the right frame of mind. Cleaning is like that. It can take forever when you’re not into it, but on the right day with the right music, it seems to take hardly any time at all.

There’s no shame in putting off a task until you’re able to do it efficiently.

Also, it’s crucial to notice when you’re starting to feel very stressed or when everything seems incredibly difficult. Such sensations are often signs that you’re overwhelmed and need to start pulling back.

Take Care of Yourself Early!

The timing of what you do matters as well. The goal isn’t to rest, eat well, and find joy when you need it – the goal is to do so long before you hit those needs. Pre-empting desperation like this helps keep you on top of your game. The approach also ensures you have energy to spare should there be any crises.

How to Make Time For Self-Care

For many caregivers, time is the limiting factor. There are barely enough hours in the day for what you currently need to do. Adding self-care can seem impossible (believe me, I’ve been there).

The first crucial approach is to make self-care a priority. This means you schedule your self-care tasks in and actually do them. Regularly.

Don’t do everything else, then hope you have enough time left for yourself. If you try that, you’ll find that there’s always one more thing left to do.  

Beyond this, take a good hard look at priorities. Some things in your life will be absolutes. They need to be done no matter what. Other things are more flexible. In fact, more things are flexible than you might expect.

Here are some tips:

• Think about your standards for cleaning. The home still needs to be healthy, of course, but many of us have higher standards than we need. For example, do the dishes need to be done after every meal or can they just be done once at the end of the day?
• If time is your biggest challenge, can you pay someone to help? We seriously considered hiring a cleaner when I was caregiving. Even just an hour or two of cleaning a week would have reduced my stress levels considerably.
• Set boundaries. Care recipients sometimes end up relying too heavily on the caregiver. When this happens, they might have you doing things that they could do for themselves. Setting boundaries can reduce the amount of work on your plate.
• Don’t take on the world. Caregiving is hard work on its own. Keep that in mind when you plan and commit to things.

Don’t forget about respite care either. There are various services that can give caregivers a break, including in-home respite services, short-term nursing home stays, and adult care center programs. Such services can provide you some space for yourself. Just be sure to use some of it to recharge. Doing so is crucial for staying on top of the game.

Final Word

Caring for the elderly is a journey filled with love, challenges, and invaluable lessons. The strategies we’ve discussed make the journey easier, but there will still be difficult days.

Instead of aiming for perfection, simply try to do things as well as you can. That’s all any of us can do, so let yourself off the hook a little.