The Idea of Selfishness and What it Means for Caregivers

The idea of selfishness comes up often in discussions of caregiving.

I most recently saw it in the reviews for two books on dementia – Where the Light Comes In and Neither Married nor Single. Both books generally get good reviews, but there are a few people who say the authors are being ‘selfish’.

I wouldn’t use the term selfish myself. I get the point though. Where the Light Comes In focuses on the experiences of Kimberly Williams-Paisley and her family, in relation to Kimberly’s mother’s dementia diagnosis.

She also talks about how her father chose to eventually find a new romantic partner, while still being married to Kimberly’s mother. This decision was strongly driven by the need for emotional and intellectual connection, which are not possible with a patient in the late stages of dementia.

Neither Married or Single comes from Dr. David Kirkpatrick, whose wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Much of his book talks about how he navigated the emotional challenges that come with dementia, including the loss of intimacy with his wife.

The books talk about the dementia patients and how difficult their journey must be. But, that’s not the focus. They talk a lot more about the caregivers and family members who are connected with dementia patients.

Is that selfish?

The answer depends on how you define selfishness, which is what we’re interested in today.

What Is Selfish?

A simple definition of selfish would be not considering other people, being focused on your own needs, or being self-centered.

That’s not very helpful though, as it provides no nuance. After all, meeting your own needs, setting boundaries, and prioritizing yourself at times are all important practices. They don’t make you selfish – far from it.

Besides, most people consider others at least occasionally, even people we’d call selfish.

We could frame the idea in a different way by asking “Is it selfish to…?”

For some questions, the answer is obvious. But, for many others, there isn’t a straightforward answer at all. Sometimes the answer depends on the person or varies depending on the specific context.

Let’s talk about that.

Context Matters

It’s easy to create sweeping statements. For example, you might say that it’s always selfish to go away when someone needs you or that it’s selfish to say when a parent wants help.

But, if you follow those ‘rules’ in every situation, you risk burning yourself out.

Like, is it selfish to go on a two-day break when your loved one feels abandoned on their own?

In some situations that would be selfish, sure. In others, not so much. In particular, if you’re caring for someone all day every day and leaving always makes them unhappy – then taking a break isn’t selfish at all. Doing so is actually essential for your health.

Background Matters

Another factor is that we learn what’s selfish from society, from family, from those around us, and from other groups (like religion).

We all grow up in different environments, with different influences and values. This means that our definitions vary as well.

A great example here is marriage and dementia.

Spouses of dementia patients often struggle, as their husband or wife’s illness robs the relationship of most of the intimacy and connection that it once had. In the later stages of dementia, the patient can barely connect with or even recognize their spouse.

Some spouses focus on the ‘till death do us part’ aspect of their vows. Doing so can mean leaning into the moments of connection that do remain, pushing their own needs aside. They may focus on faith instead, perhaps also filling their life with other things.

Other spouses look for alternative sources of connection.

For some this even includes finding a new partner. In Where the Light Gets In, Kimberly’s father does exactly this. Her father doesn’t abandon his wife, far from it. He still visits her regularly and the new woman even meets Kimberly’s mother.

It’s a strange setup emotionally in many ways, but isn’t uncommon. The truth is that the non-dementia spouse still has needs.

Is this selfish?

Well… that depends on who you ask. That’s why I say that background matters.

For example, if you have a strong Christian background and believe that marriage is a commitment for life – then finding another partner while your current one is alive would certainly feel selfish (and wrong).

Another person might say that finding a new partner isn’t selfish at all. The response depends on the individual.

In fact, in Where the Light Gets In, Kimberly mentioned that many people celebrated her father’s decision, but some were very upset by it.

Selfishness is a Pattern, Not a Decision

I spend a decent amount of time on caregiver forums and Reddit threads, particularly when people are debating the behavior of others.

It’s fascinating to see how dramatically opinions vary, even for relatively simple questions. Often you’ll see some people say a behavior is selfish, some say it isn’t, while still others are somewhere in the middle.

This really shows that selfishness is an incredibly subjective idea.

And, honestly, the goal isn’t to make every decision non-selfish. Instead, whether you’re a selfish person or not is really defined by a pattern of behavior. This is when most of your decisions are focused on your needs and few on other people’s needs.

In fact, if you often put others first and rarely consider yourself, you may have problems with boundaries and could be putting yourself at risk.

There’s also a situational aspect to how much you should focus on yourself versus others. For example, if you’re coming out of a traumatic situation or are emotionally exhausted, you might need to put others on hold for a while, as you strengthen and regroup. Similarly, if you just had major surgery, not helping a friend move house certainly isn’t selfish.

Modern Movements Towards Self Love

Recent years have seen shifts in how we talk about selfishness.

In particular, there’s increased talk about how caring for yourself isn’t being selfish. Self-compassion and self-care have become trending themes, reminding us that we need to take care of ourselves.

We can’t support other people unless we do this. 

This approach has helped many people, offering insights into the balance of caring for self versus caring for others, plus some different ways to approach the topic.

Why Does This All Matter?

Selfishness is an important topic because caregivers struggle so much with guilt.

There is often this overwhelming sense that we’re not doing good enough. More than that, every attempt to support ourselves can feel like a betrayal, like we’re being incredibly selfish.

But, as some of the conversations in Where the Light Gets In, Boundaries, and Mindful Self-Compassion highlight, that’s not the case at all.

Honestly, if you’re providing ongoing care to a loved one, there’s no way that you’re selfish.

And sure, you won’t get it perfect. You won’t have enough energy to do everything you hope to do. Sometimes you’ll snap. Sometimes you’ll sob on the kitchen floor. Sometimes you’ll feel self-centered – and plenty of other things.

Guess what? We’re human.

If this is an area you struggle with, try looking at the self-compassion work from Kristen Neff. Her approaches are excellent for helping you come to grips with difficult emotions.

I also like Where the Light Gets In. That’s a very different type of book – more of a memoir than anything else. However, Kimberly Williams-Paisley is exceptional at talking about difficult emotions, without apology. She doesn’t get mired in the negative either, so there is a surprising amount of optimism in her writing.