How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissistic Parent

We’ve talked about boundaries multiple times at Kapok. They’re a valuable part of any healthy relationship and are particularly critical for caregiving. Not having good boundaries often means you do far too much for your aging parent and risk burning out in the process.

But, what if you’re dealing with someone who is incredibly self-centered, perhaps even with narcissistic personality disorder? This situation changes some aspects of boundary setting, while others remain the same.

Let’s talk about it then. How do you set boundaries with a narcissistic parent? What can you expect and how do you protect yourself? 

An Introduction to Boundaries and Narcissism

Let’s start with some basic principles.

Why We Need Boundaries

Boundaries are sometimes defined as invisible lines or limits. They’re the rules we put in place to define what is acceptable to us and what isn’t. They generally fall into categories, including emotional, sexual, time, physical, and material boundaries.

The boundaries we need change based on a variety of factors, including the people we’re engaged with and the situation.

But, the goal is to have authentic boundaries, where you are defending your own needs and taking care of yourself. Part of doing so involves recognizing your own worth and your right to protect yourself.

People without boundaries find life difficult. They often become burnt out and overwhelmed, as their own needs often aren’t being met and they’re constantly trying to please others.

Setting boundaries is essential for doing well in yourself, especially when you’re surrounded by people who take much more than they give.

The Issue of Narcissism

It seems like everyone is talking about narcissism these days. It’s got to the point where narcissism seems like a buzz word, rather than something real to be concerned about.

For that matter, everyone is a little narcissistic. We all have times when we become very self-centered and don’t take others into account. Narcissistic traits are also simply a part of being human and they’re not even necessarily a bad thing, as long as they’re balanced.

Yet, while the term is often misused and over applied, narcissistic personality disorder does exist – and can be devastating to people with a narcissist in their family.

Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as extreme self interest. It’s when a person is so wrapped up in themselves that it’s almost impossible for them to care about other people. Such people tend to lack empathy and struggle to understand another person’s perspective.

Narcissists tend to make everything about them. Sometimes this can be extreme and even cruel, like a parent getting upset at you because your miscarriage means they aren’t getting the grandchild they hoped for.

Narcissism with Aging Parents

If a friend or a coworker is narcissistic, you can take steps to limit your exposure. You might even cut them out of your parent entirely.

Things are trickier with a parent.

For one thing, they’re your parent. The idea of cutting them out of your life can feel cruel and unfair. After all, they raised you and cared for you. You might also feel that you should be able to make it work, to take things on the chin.

Children of narcissists often try desperately to gain their parent’s attention and approval.

It’s an incredibly difficult situation, as many narcissists do love their kids and show this on occasion. A huge challenge is that love is often conditional. Some narcissists will even use expressions of love as a tool, blowing hot and cold in a way that’s incredibly confusing.

What’s more, the way narcissists raise their children acts as a type of grooming. This may not have been intentional, but many children were conditioned and manipulated into meeting the narcissist’s needs.

For example, some children were regularly punished and guilt tripped for having their own opinions, wants, and needs. Even a child’s normal emotional reactions may have become ammo for the narcissist.

Adult children of narcissists often find independence by separating out and spending limited time with their parents. But, as parents start to age and need support, the equation changes. Suddenly you may be expected to support them and may find yourself in the midst of an emotional storm.

Why are Boundaries Challenging with Narcissists?

Setting boundaries is the single best way to protect yourself with narcissistic parents. Without solid boundaries, you risk getting constantly thrown around emotionally and perhaps even losing your sense of yourself.

But, creating these boundaries can be tricky for a few reasons.

Boundaries are an Ego Threat

Many narcissists immediately rail against boundaries set by others.

This is partly because their self esteem is surprisingly fragile and is strongly influenced by how others see them. Because of this, narcissists often react strongly and badly to any perceived self-esteem threat.

Someone else setting boundaries is one such threat. Because of this, narcissists typically won’t respond well.

Narcissists are Manipulative

Narcissists are often manipulative, particularly when their perception of self is under attack. So, when you set boundaries, your narcissistic parent may go on the offensive – trying desperately to dispel the idea that they have done anything wrong.

Many will fall back into the standard pattern of fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG). This manipulative pattern can keep you on the back foot, making you doubt your own decisions.

The fear, obligation, and guilt pattern might even make you back down on your boundaries and give into your parents wishes – time and time again.

Identifying Your Own Needs Can Be Difficult

Boundaries are an art, not a science. Where they are and what they look like varies from person to person. No surprises there – we all have different needs.

The idea is to be authentic to yourself. This includes understanding who you are and what matters to you, then finding boundaries that help protect you.

However, if you were raised by a narcissist, identifying your wants and needs can be incredibly difficult. This is particularly true if you were taught to devalue yourself and regularly gaslit.

Your narcissistic parent won’t be helping matters now either.

What You Can Do

Make Your Boundaries

The single most important thing you can do is to make your boundaries regardless of what your parent things. Waiting for approval is pointless, as you’re not likely to get it.

If you’re not sure what these are, talking to other people can help. There’s a trial and error aspect too. You’re not likely to get this perfect first time and that’s okay. After all, every situation and set of people is different, so it takes time to find the right balance of boundaries.

You may still want to inform them, as much for your own sake as for theirs. This might include telling them what you’re setting in place and why. But, if you can, avoid the tendency to justify.

Realistically, if your parent doesn’t get the idea of basic boundaries and why they matter, no amount of justification is going to help. Continuing to explain gives them more chances to manipulate and get you to change your mind.

Recognize Their Limits

The reason we’re looking at how to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent is that doing so is essential.

The narcissist isn’t likely to change. They won’t suddenly ‘wake up’ and recognize your needs. For whatever reason (likely a troubled childhood of their own), they’re incapable of emotionally supporting you in the way you need.

This also means you’re not likely to ‘win’.

Regardless of what you say, what you do, or how well you explain things, their worldview is always going to revert back to them. As difficult as it is, the trick is to let go and stop trying to make them see things your way.

Stop Trying to Please Them

Children of narcissists often end up with people pleasing tendencies. This often means you do everything in your power to make others happy and struggle when someone isn’t happy with you.

But, you’re not responsible for how other people feel. Making someone else happy isn’t possible anyway.

If you’ve grown up in a world where nothing you do is ever good enough for your parent – then it was never about you. You’re not failing in any way. Instead, it’s your parent’s own fears and traumas that are impacting their reactions to you.

Continuing to try and please your parent is an exercise in frustration.

They’re not going to be happy anyway, so why not make your own decisions? Do the things you want to do and live your own life. At least this way one of you gets what you want.

Learn Their Manipulative Patterns

It’s also important to recognize the common manipulative strategies that your parent uses. Recognizing these makes it easy to take a step back and not get emotionally hooked in.

Some common versions include the following:

• Gaslighting. This is a deeply concerning type of emotional manipulation, where the victim is made to doubt their sanity. This can include telling you that something didn’t happen (when you know it did) or saying that you’re too sensitive or are overreacting.
• Love bombing. Love bombing is common in romantic relationships with narcissists, where the narcissist pours on affection too strongly or too soon, as a form of control. However, it can happen with aging parents too. You may find that they go through phases of being overly affectionate and suspiciously loving, then flip back to their more controlling self before too long. This pattern of on-again and off-again love is confusing and can make it feel like you’re doing something wrong.
• Playing the victim. Narcissists often act like they’re the victim, especially when they’re being accused of doing something wrong. This is often a form of ego defense and is a way around self-examination.
• Guilt. One aspect of the narcissist playing the victim is making you feel like the villain. They may try to make you feel guilty for whatever imagined hurt they’re experiencing – like claiming you’ve abandoned them because you are going on a holiday.
• Being dismissive and diminishing. Narcissists often downplay the things that matter to others. This may mean they see your wants and needs as largely irrelevant, especially if yours are very different to their own.

The more you understand these patterns, the easier they are to recognize. This is crucial because if you can recognize their techniques, you’re likely to take them less seriously and be less invested.

Be Critically Minded

Finally, it’s important to be willing to learn and to be wrong.

This may seem contradictory, as we’ve been talking about how to protect yourself and find your own independence.

However, narcissism is an overused and often misapplied term. It’s easy to call someone a narcissist when they don’t truly fit the definition.

You’re also attempting to understand a person’s inner workings from their behavior. Doing so is tricky enough when a person is self aware, honest, and willing to talk – and much tougher when a person has mental or emotional blocks.

Being critically minded may involve having conversations you don’t want to and seeing how your parent responds. Talking to an expert or a therapist may help as well.

You might find that they’re not actually narcissistic. Perhaps they have a different challenge, like a lack of emotional maturity or mind blindness, which makes it difficult to understand your experiences.  

Such distinctions are important, as the way you work with a narcissist will be different than someone who struggles to understand your point of view.

Final Thoughts

Boundary setting is often tricky. Learning how to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent is much more complicated, as they’re unlikely to respond well. You’re also fighting against your own conditioning and desire to please them.

It may be tempting to give in. To take the path of least resistance, meet their requests, and try and make them feel good at every turn.

But, doing this harms you.

You risk burning out trying to meet their needs and yours, and you’re also on an emotional rollercoaster. After all, pleasing a narcissist is pretty much impossible. They’re always going to want something and aren’t afraid to manipulate you to make that happen.

So, as tough as they may be, setting these boundaries is crucial.

Also remember that the boundaries you choose aren’t set in stone. Perhaps you severely limit the time spent with your aging parent at first, while you find strength and work out your needs, then start to let them back in gently.

Or, you may find the boundaries need to change with different situations.

The important thing is to be authentic to yourself.