7 Expert Tips for Setting Boundaries with Toxic Parents

Toxic parents are difficult at the best of times. They’ve probably given you a run for your money your entire life, consistently trying to rile you up, undermine you, and make you doubt yourself.

Growing up, moving out of home, and building your own life may have helped you to get some distance from them, but even then, their influence often lingers. Life becomes even more challenging when parents start aging, as they begin to need support.

What do you do then?

Boundaries are part of the answer. Setting boundaries with toxic parents is a critical aspect of staying sane, especially if you’re stepping into any type of caregiving or support role.

While boundary setting might feel impossible at first, it can make a huge difference, even with parents who won’t give an inch.

Defining Toxic Parents

Before we talk too much about setting boundaries with toxic parents, we need to delve into what toxic parents even are. Toxic itself is a general term for a large range of concerning parenting behaviors.

In general, though, toxic parents are ones who regularly promote fear, guilt, or obligation in the child. They’re sometimes doing so because they place their own needs above that of the child. Other times, the behavior stems from being unable to understand or cope with the child’s needs.

The label toxic specifically applies to parents who show a consistent set of damaging behaviors. After all, parents are human and they’re responding to their own set of challenges. Most will respond inappropriately to their children every so often.

Problems start to arise when such behaviors are regular.

The list below shows some of the main toxic behaviors. Your parent probably won’t exhibit all of these, but some may be familiar.

• Manipulation. Manipulative parents try to get you to do what they want you to, often through guilt or coercion. This may include suggesting you’re a bad daughter or that you’re being selfish if you don’t visit them multiple times each week.
• They’re never at fault. Instead, the parent continually shifts blame, making someone else the true culprit.
• Cruelty. Some toxic parents are intentionally mean, especially when they feel slighted. This can be tough, as they know your pressure points and how to make you feel awful.
• Self-centered. Toxic parents tend to put themselves first, no matter what. They’ll often make everything about them, even if you have your own challenges to deal with. Similarly, if you have something to celebrate, they may still turn around and make the day about them.
• Controlling. Many toxic parents try to control what you do, even when you’re a fully independent adult. This might involve saying that you shouldn’t go to this event or insulting you for decisions you make.
• Lack of boundaries. Toxic parents often overstep conventional boundaries or ignore them entirely. For example, they may drop by unannounced or regularly try to go through your mail for details about your personal life.
• Demanding. Toxic parents are often more demanding than regular parents. Because they focus on themselves first, they may always be looking for you to give more.  

If you think you have a toxic parent, then it’s worth picking up a book or two on the subject. These books don’t stop at talking about toxic traits. They also highlight how growing up with a toxic parent can affect you, even into adulthood, and how you can respond to them.

My favorite is the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It’s part of a series of two and has a strong focus on your own patterns of behavior and ways to move forward.

A second option is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I don’t like the style as much, but the book covers abusive parents and cruel parents, while the emotionally immature book focuses on parents who lack emotional capacity and understanding.

Tips for Setting Boundaries with Toxic Parents (and sticking to them!)

Be Explicit About Your Boundaries

First of all, you need to be clear about what your boundaries are. This includes telling your parent, but also being clear to yourself.

Doing so may involve thinking deeply about the situation, what your needs are, and what’s going to work.

Talking to other people can help too, as they can give you a different perspective of the situation. Caregiving forums are another option. There will often be other people in a similar situation to you, ones who know what it is like to deal with a toxic parent.

If you’re not sure where to begin, check out this list of 7 types of boundaries. They won’t all be relevant to your situation, but they’re a great jumping-off point for thinking about boundaries.

Remember, You Can Control Your Behavior, Not Theirs

Boundary setting often involves telling the other person which behaviors cross your boundaries. Hopefully, this means the other person doesn’t do those behaviors or at least tries not to.

For example, you might not feel comfortable when someone asks about your sex life or shows up out of the blue. It’s perfectly reasonable to put boundaries in place to stop those situations from happening.

However, you can’t force someone to respect your boundaries.

Sometimes they simply won’t.

This doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong what you’re asking for, not at all. It simply means that you need to focus on what you can control. This including placing limits on what you will do or being clear about what will happen if your parent violates one of your boundaries.

For example, if they bring up a question or topic you’ve said is inappropriate (like when you plan to have kids), you might refuse to answer, change the topic, or even leave the room.

Exactly what you say and do is going to depend on the situation. You can also experiment with approaches. If you’re unsure where to begin, check out Allison Bottke’s book on Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents. She has some fantastic ideas and examples for boundaries that work and how they relate to the dynamic between parents and adult children.  

Don’t Try To Change Them

Similarly, let go of any hope of changing their behaviors.

If your parent or parents have been this way for most of your life, they’re probably going to keep being this way.

Even if change is possible, focusing on that isn’t going to help you. You’ll just end up feeling overwhelmed and helpless. Instead, keep your attention firmly on what is in your power.

Part of doing so involves realizing that they’re not going to be a better or kinder parent if you meet particular goals.

It’s easy to fall into that trap. To think that if you’re the perfect daughter, if you get a promotion, if you do all they ask, then they’ll be the parent you hoped for.

It doesn’t work that way.

Toxic parents aren’t toxic because you’re failing. They are that way for their own reasons. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, making them ‘better’ simply isn’t in your power.  

Accept That They May Be Unhappy or Disappointed

Many of us don’t set boundaries because we want the people we love to be happy.

This is even more true with parents.

You may want them to be proud of you. To accept who you are and what you want. To respect you.

You might imagine that if you explain your needs well enough, then they’ll accept them gracefully. This often won’t be true – especially not with toxic parents.

For example, a parent that’s very self-centered is always going to see how your decision affects them. If they’re emotionally immature, they may resent how your decision makes them feel. They may think that it’s your job to make them feel good.

Here’s the thing…

You’re not responsible for how your parents feel. They are.

After all, you can’t control someone else’s emotions. How they feel is just as much a product of their experiences, their beliefs, and how they choose to see the world as it is of the situation.

If someone has a victim mentality, as many toxic parents do, then they’ll have unrealistic expectations of other people.

This pattern means that if you set boundaries with toxic parents, they’re likely to be unhappy. What this looks like depends on the person and the situation. Perhaps they get angry, perhaps they complain, perhaps they’re passive-aggressive.

Their response isn’t a reason to back down. If anything, your parent’s reactions are a reminder of why you need to set boundaries in the first place.

Expecting their reaction from the beginning can make things easier. You’re less likely to be overwhelmed and can think about how you want to respond.  

Realize That Others Mightn’t Understand

Your parents aren’t the only ones who might have problems. Setting boundaries with toxic parents sometimes upsets other people as well, including friends and family members.

This is sometimes due to cultural expectations and the idea that children ‘should’ support their parents.

It can also happen because toxic parents don’t seem toxic in all situations. They’re often completely fine around other people – and might even behave differently to you depending on whether there are other people around or not.  

Perhaps the best approach is to have a simple response to such people, like ‘I don’t spend much time with her, she’s unkind’, and leave it be. Some people will get it. Others won’t. But, explaining in more detail generally won’t help.

Let Go of the Guilt

Toxic parents often try to make you feel guilty. It can be their go-to tool, a way of keeping you compliant.

Or, perhaps you feel guilty because of your own values and expectations.

However, boundaries aren’t just normal. They’re also incredibly important. They’re an essential part of having a healthy relationship and good connections with other people.

If your relationship doesn’t have boundaries, then it’s not good for you, your parent, or anyone else.

It might help to think of someone else in the same position. If your friend had a parent who was constantly belittling them, being manipulative, demanding too much, and being a drama queen (or king!), wouldn’t you tell your friend to set boundaries?

You wouldn’t suggest they just put up with it, would you?

Also remember that feeling guilty is often just a pattern you learned. It certainly doesn’t mean there’s anything for you to feel guilty about.

Have a Support System

Social support is always crucial for staying healthy.

This is even more important when you’re dealing with a toxic parent. Without support, some of their claims may start to get under your skin, meaning that you begin to question and invalidate your own needs.

Other people can help you recognize when your parent is being unreasonable and help you remember that your needs matter. You might even look for a therapist or a support group that focuses on toxic parents. Such settings make it even easier to identify problematic patterns.

When doing so, it’s essential to find supportive people – ones who recognize that your parent is unreasonable. Don’t rely on friends and family who think you’re the villain in the piece.

Should You Cut Them Out Of Your Life?

There’s one final question that relates to setting boundaries with toxic parents – when are things too much?

For example, should you walk away if your parent keeps going across your boundaries and is excessively demanding to the point that it compromises your mental health, physical health, and/or relationships?

Modern ideas about toxic people suggest that, yes, you should cut them out of your life, especially if they’re causing harm or aren’t willing to change.

However, reality is a little more complicated than that. We are talking about your parents, after all. Some people find it’s better to limit their parents’ involvement, rather than cutting them out completely.

What if your parents need care?

What if they can’t live independently anymore?

If this is the case, cutting them out of your life might feel cruel. Even setting boundaries can be difficult, as you can’t pull back too far from someone who needs you every day.

What you do here ultimately depends on your values and needs.

Some adult children do choose to step away. They find that other family members pick up the care or that other solutions unexpectedly present themselves.

Others choose to support from a distance instead. This could involve paying someone else to provide care, rather than being directly involved.

Still others choose to stay. They set the boundaries that they can and weather the challenging aspects of providing care. For some, this means responding to abuse on an almost daily basis. If you lean towards this final group, then I highly recommend Kristen Neff’s book on Fierce Self-Compassion. Her approaches can help you to stay grounded and meet your own needs. Her discussions on the expectation to provide care could also help you take a close look at your motivations and decide the best course of action for your situation.