Why Caregivers Should Learn To Sit With Discomfort

Caregivers often have a habit of busyiness. We try to do everything we can to support our loved ones, often exhausting ourselves in the process. 

Those activities often feel incredibly necessary. Our aging mother, father, or spouse is in pain. He’s uncomfortable. She is upset. They’re lonely. Of course, we need to make things better. 

Or, do we? 

There are certainly times for action, where your loved one needs support and can’t do things for themselves.

Yet, sometimes as caregivers, we find ourselves jumping to help before anyone has asked, often when we’re not really needed. Sometimes, we’re even getting in the way – enabling unhealthy behaviors rather than helping our parents to do better. 

There are a host of reasons why we might do too much, like the modern hustle culture, the desire to please a demanding parent, or falling into the caregiver martyr trap. 

Yet, sometimes the answer is simpler – we’re uncomfortable. It’s easier to stay busy and drown out the discomfort than to think about it and what it truly means.

This is unfortunate because it’s crucial to slow down and be present.

If we don’t, we never get to have the important conversations with our loved ones. There’s also a real risk that we make decisions out of fear, rather than based on what the senior truly wants.

How Discomfort Changes People’s Behavior

I was reminded of discomfort recently, when a loved one with depression was having a particularly bad day. 

I have a tendency in such situations to assist wherever I can. Yet, it’s easy to invest a lot of energy into ‘helping’, without having much impact at all. Sometimes my ‘helping’ even makes things worse instead of better.

Pulling back and not helping unless I’m needed. That’s uncomfortable. I’m learning how to do so more and more, especially on the days when I have many tasks of my own to do. I have to trust that dhe will reach out to me when she needs support.

Yet, there’s is an uncomfortable emotional loading in doing so – one that doesn’t easily dissipate. Sitting with discomfort does get easier, but only with practice.

Within just a few days, I was again reminded of discomfort, this time from a very different perspective. 

I’ve been dealing with a few crises lately and reaching out to various friends for help. Most haven’t been able to help in the way I need, which is fine and something I expected (who isn’t stretched thin these days?). 

The interesting part was the responses. 

Many of those who couldn’t help leaned into advice, often suggesting the same things as each other, including dead obvious approaches. It amazed me how difficult it seemed for people to simply sit with the discomfort that my crisis stirred in them. 

This isn’t a unique idea. 

Various authors talk about how humans have a tendency to alleviate their own discomfort. Whitney Goodman’s discussions in Toxic Positivity is a great example. Doing so doesn’t mean that people are unkind, just that they don’t know how else to respond.  After all, running away from discomfort is a natural instinct.

The Association Between Discomfort and Caregiving

You’ve probably been on the receiving end of some of these patterns as a caregiver. Some friends and family members might alleviate their discomfort by providing a lot of unasked for advice, while others may pull back and engage with you less often. 

This is a partial explanation for why friends often seem to disappear once you become a caregiver (and why you may need to find friends who can sit with discomfort, including those in caregiver support groups and women’s circles). 

Today, we’re interested in two specific aspects of emotional discomfort.

One is how being uncomfortable may make you overreach as a caregiver. How you may keep going above and beyond, even when you’re burning yourself out, because that’s easier than sitting with discomfort. 

You might not even realize that you’re doing so. 

The other is how discomfort impacts difficult conversations, including those about dementia, end of life, and medical treatment.

Discomfort sometimes means that we avoid these conversations entirely. Other times, we might still have them, but only at a superficial level, where we aren’t really engaging as we need to.

These behaviors often relate to the same general issue – fear around end of life. Family members often function in denial here, where it’s easier to believe that things will get better soon and our loved ones will rally, rather than facing where they are on their journey.

The Negative Effects of Avoiding Discomfort

We Risk Burning Out

As we discussed at the beginning of the post, caregivers who are uncomfortable with the situation often over-extend themselves. This can include doing everything they can think of for their loved one, even when they have little time or energy left for themselves.

It’s easy to be stoic and think that if you can just avoid put your own needs off until there’s time for them, but it doesn’t actually work that way. You’re likely to quickly run out of energy, at which point the quality of your care suffers.

Plus, many family members live in poor health for far longer than we expect. If you over commit now, you’re likely to run out of resources right when you’re

We Avoid Important Conversations

Avoiding discomfort often involves focusing on the positive. This might include always looking at how things might get better, how there’s been a mistake, or how strong the other person is.

Positive thinking is powerful, but not when you’re denying reality in the process.

Notably, many meaningful conversations need to be had about end of life, including what should be done if the senior can no longer decide for themselves.

Pushing these conversations off means they end up being had in times of high stress and pressure. Or, sometimes there are no conversations, and adult children need to guess what their parents would have wanted.  

There Isn’t Enough Time To Connect

It isn’t just medical conversations that we miss when we’re rushing around, we also miss the chance to simply spend time and connect with our loved ones. This includes sharing memories, talking about the past, and providing solace to one another.

Doing so is incredibly important for easing the experience. Spending most of your time providing care robs you of precious connections that you may never get the chance for again.

We May Harm Ourselves

Avoiding discomfort may present in other ways too. Some people end up turning to food, alcohol, TV, or something else for distraction, often to a harmful or even dangerous extent.

Learning to Sit with Discomfort

The question, then, becomes what you can do. How do you learn to avoid less and tackle the situation better?

Navigating the Emotional Complexities

Oftentimes, the work must begin at an emotional level. You may need to learn how to better sit with uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, especially those that relate to things outside of your control.

Many people find mindfulness and meditation useful practices here. These related approaches can help you to learn how to settle more into yourself and your emotions.

Sometimes you might help with the emotional side of things, like from a therapist. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) are two therapeutic modalities that may help here. Both have mindfulness components, along with other approaches to help you navigate emotional challenges.

There’s also a book called The Reality Slap by Russ Harris. This offers a practical self-help style introduction to ACT, specifically for situations where life is challenging.

Learning What to Expect

Another part of the process is to seriously consider what to expect in your current situation. This includes considering the expected course of your loved one’s health condition, what types of challenges might arise, and what the final stages may look like.

Doing so is especially important for dementia, as people can live with the disease for a long time, with symptoms that change over time, sometimes gradually and sometimes suddenly.

What I Wish People Knew About Dementia and The 36-Hour Day are both excellent books on this topic. For family members without dementia, the book Living at the End of Life addresses many important questions in a straightforward and surprisingly gentle manner.

Learning What is Solvable

It’s also important to think about what is actually in your power.

Notably, aging is a degenerative process. You won’t be able to stop this, nor can you protect the senior from every issue and discomfort along the way.

Some adult children push incredibly hard, with the thought that they can at least stop their parent from getting worse. But, if your aging parent is right at the end of their life, there mightn’t be much you can do, aside from making them comfortable.

So, it’s important to talk to medical staff. Ask doctors and nurses. Ask hospice staff, if relevant. Get a sense of what’s best for your aging parent. Is it best to keep them moving, eating well, and engaged as much as you can, or is it time for them to rest instead?

Final Thoughts

Discomfort lives up to its name. It is indeed uncomfortable and something we often wish we could run away from. Yet, keeping ourselves busy or outright ignoring parts of the current situation isn’t helping anyone.

It’s important to take a different approach and look for ways to lean into discomfort. To experience the hard emotions and recognize the situation at hand. Doing so allows us to be more present and authentic with our loved ones, while helping us to make wiser decisions about how to support them.

After all, when we’re operating out of fear or denial, we tend to make poor decisions.