Stubborn Parents and Self-Care: A Caregivers Perspective

Updated February 19, 2021

Self-care is one of those concepts that sounds good on paper but is much harder in practice. The combination of stubborn parents and self-care is that much more difficult again.

As the name suggests, self-care means that you’re focusing on your own wants and needs. It can often include things like taking time for yourself, relaxing, eating healthy food, and even attending doctor’s appointments.

Good self-care means that you then have the resources needed to look after someone else. Neglect your own needs and you’re basically pouring from an empty jug – a practice that is never sustainable. 

Stubborn Parents and Caregiving

Stubborn parents are exactly what the title suggests. They tend to be set in their own ways. This might have been frustrating enough when you were a kid or living your own life, but stubbornness can be even more frustrating when your parents start getting on in years.

Stubbornness can present in a variety of ways, depending on the person.

• Some stubborn parents refuse all help, convinced that they can do it all on their own. They may not want to accept their own limitations, often putting themselves at risk in the process.  
• Others are the exact opposite, thinking that their family should help them in every area. This pattern can be exhausting for adult children. It might seem like nothing you can do is good enough.
• Some stubborn parents want things done in a particular way. This can be particularly frustrating if you live in the same house as them.

You might also find that your parent is reasonable in many areas and stubborn in just a few. If this is the case, there may be underlying reasons why the senior is stubborn in those areas. Identifying them may help you to find ways forward.

Stubborn Parents and Self-Care

So, what about the idea of stubborn parents and self-care? The relationship between these two things will depend on what stubbornness looks like in your family member. There’s no doubt though, your family member’s stubbornness will impact your ability to care for your needs.

Impact 1: Stress and Worry

Anyone with a stubborn parent will know this one – they’re challenging. Getting them to accept help may be an uphill battle, one that you may need to repeat with every new area that comes along. 

Some parents might refuse help altogether, leaving you to wait and worry, knowing that something will go wrong in the future. Others might take the opposite approach, running you ragged because they don’t want anyone else involved in their care.

You might feel like you’re at a loss, especially if you don’t know what they’re going to object to. Things that feel like they should be easy become challenging instead.

Such situations can become even more overwhelming if you have a lot on your plate. And, it’s no secret that caregiving can have dramatic mental and physical impacts on caregivers. Stress is a key reason why this happens.

Impact 2. Limited Flexibility

Caregiving places many constraints on your life as it is. The pattern can become worse if your parent is stubborn. 

A key example is cases where your family member won’t let anyone else help them but you. This can be a particular problem if your family member needs help with activities of daily living, like bathing, going to the bathroom, and eating. 

This makes it very difficult for you to go out or to take care of your own needs. 

I’ve experienced this one first hand, caring for my previous partner. I had very few opportunities to spend time outside the house. Even just going to the grocery store was stressful, as I was worried that my help would be needed when I wasn’t at home. 

My concern wasn’t just anxiety either. There were times when I came home to significant problems because I hadn’t been there – and I was only gone an hour or two. 

I did manage to arrange a 3-day trip with friends once, where his mother stepped into the role I had been filling. The situation wasn’t ideal for him or for her. And honestly, I didn’t get much of a break anyway, I spent most of the time anxious about them. 

This type of challenge will be a familiar one to many caregivers. It really is though to have time for yourself when the person you’re supporting needs you most of the time or where their needs are unpredictable.

Impact 3. Unrealistic Expectations

You may also find that too much is expected of you. 

I was lucky in that my partner was very aware of the amount that I was doing, but his mother wasn’t. This led to constant pressure for me to be doing everything that I ‘should’ be doing. 

Now, in fairness, I was basically doing the bare minimum of housework, which would have looked lazy from the outside. But, I was also a full-time caregiver for one person, a semi-caregiver for another, working full-time (from home), dealing with interrupted sleep and stress – with no time for myself. 

While some caregivers do have an understanding family member, plenty of others do not. This is a serious problem.

For one thing, you might be pressured into doing more than is reasonable or healthy. It’s also very difficult to care for yourself when the person you’re supporting tries to make you feel guilty for doing so. Caregivers suffer enough guilt on their own. You don’t need anyone else adding to that burden.

Here’s the thing – you’re human.

You have needs of your own and being a caregiver is a difficult journey. You won’t always get it right. Sometimes you’ll make bad decisions. Sometimes your family member will need more than you can give. That’s all okay. There’s nothing wrong with being human.

Impact 4. Manipulative Behavior

Some seniors will also be manipulative. This could include guilt-tripping you into providing more support than you’re able to or into seeing their point of view. 

Manipulative behavior isn’t always intentional. For example, dementia symptoms can include memory loss and confusion. Such issues can often lead to behavior that feels manipulative.

In other cases, family members are intentionally manipulative because they feel trapped. Losing independence can be a scary process. The same is true for not being able to trust your own mind. 

What’s the Solution?

As we’ve mentioned in other posts, there is no simple solution to stubborn parents. It’s often a matter of finding good communication strategies and doing the best that you can.

But, regardless of the situation, the relationship between stubborn parents and self-care won’t disappear overnight. You will need to work on meeting your own needs.

Self-care is crucial. I can’t stress that enough.

And, trust me, I know how difficult self-care is in practice. Sometimes it feels like there is nothing left for you and the idea of taking time away is almost impossible.

One thing I learned was to start small.

Look for little ways to help yourself, even if that means shutting yourself in the bathroom for half an hour every so often for some peace and quiet. While little self-care tasks might not sound like much, they do add up.

Draw boundaries too. Decide on the areas where you’re willing to provide support and where you’re not. For example, will you cook for your family member if they’re capable of doing so, but don’t want to?

Perhaps you’ll tell your family member that you’ll gladly fetch something from the store for them, but only if you’re already going.

Also, think about what is your responsibility and what isn’t.

For one thing, you’re not there to make your parents’ lifes perfect and you can’t fix every problem that they face. Life is often messy.

You’re also not responsible for their happiness or their decisions. Do the best you can for them, by all means, but don’t take on burdens that aren’t yours.

The final thing to consider is when you should step back.

If your family member is still capable of making their own decisions, you can’t force them into what they do not want. Trying to do so isn’t doing you any favors and may not help them anyway. 

Sometimes it is better to make a little distance and to be clear that you’re always on hand should you be needed.