How To Talk To Elderly Parents About Hygiene

Aging sometimes changes behavior in surprising ways. This sometimes includes neglecting personal hygiene, failing to pay bills, losing interest in hobbies, staying indoors a lot, and becoming asocial.

Such behaviors are sometimes the result of depression, but there can be other factors at play. For example, a senior who is neglecting personal hygiene may no longer be able to tell that they’re dirty or smelly. This is most likely for people with dementia, but can happen in other cases as well.

Indeed, medical issues can be an underlying reason for many behavior changes.

There’s also the chance that a parent is being intentionally difficult. But, it helps to always assume the best.

Regardless of the reason, it’s important to learn how to talk to elderly parents about hygiene. Being kind and compassionate is a crucial aspect of doing so. This increases the chance they’ll respond well. Besides, being judgmental rarely helps anything.

Signs of Poor Hygiene

Seniors with poor personal hygiene may show some of the following signs:

• Wearing the same clothes three or four days in a row, particularly if the clothing is dirty or stained
• Body odor due to not showering regularly
• Formation of ulcers on the skin
• Bad breath
• Tooth decay
• Unwashed or disheveled hair
• Untrimmed fingernails or toenails
• Food particles stuck between teeth
• Messy and unsanitary rooms

When considering hygiene, it’s also important to think about what’s an issue and what isn’t.

In particular, seniors don’t always need to shower every day. Some may shower every few days or even once or twice a week. On non-shower days, a sponge bath or wiping with a wet washcloth may be enough.

After all, seniors are often less active than when they were younger. This means less sweat and less need for bathing. They may also have physical limitations that make bathing more difficult. Why should they strain themselves to bathe more often than is needed?

Seniors may also wear the same clothes for multiple days, especially if they’re not going out often. This isn’t a problem if the clothing is clean and they’re still changing their underwear regularly.

How to Talk to Elderly Parents About Hygiene

Consider Their Perspectives

Before you have any conversation, it’s crucial to think about your parent’s perspective and situation. Are there obvious reasons their hygiene might be suffering?

Possible reasons include the following:

• Dampened senses. Aging often decreases senses, including sight and smell. This can make it harder to notice when their clothes are dirty or when they’re starting to smell.
• Cognitive decline. Cognitive decline, especially from dementia, can decrease a senior’s ability to understand the world around them. In early stages, they may not realize they’re neglecting their hygiene. In later stages, they may lose their understanding of how to take care of hygiene entirely.
• Depression. Depression makes many things more difficult, including self-care. People with depression often struggle with familiar tasks like having a shower and doing their teeth. Not only can these tasks be difficult, but they can also feel pointless, especially as they need to be repeated regularly.
• Physical changes. Changes in a person’s physical abilities or mobility can make personal hygiene more difficult. For example, they might struggle to stand while showering or might not be able to reach everywhere they need to.
• Shame or fear. Admitting you can no longer keep yourself clean is incredibly embarrassing, so some people simply don’t. They hide the issue for as long as they can instead, even if they’re putting themselves at risk by doing so.

Multiple reasons might be present at the same time. For example, an aging parent might struggle to clean themselves and be too embarrassed to talk about the issue.

Choose the Time and Place Well

Conversations about privacy are best held in private, as they’re often embarrassing.

It also helps to choose a place that the senior feels safe, like their home. Think about the day and time as well. Difficult conversations work best when everyone has the energy for them and isn’t highly stressed about other things.

So, if the senior is often tired in the afternoon, try having the conversation mid-morning. If something stressful has just happened, you may want to hold off on this conversation. Wait until things have calmed a little before broaching this topic.

Embrace the Emotional Conversation

It’s tempting to jump straight into the practical side of the conversation, where you’re talking about what your aging parent needs to do. Yet, there’s an underlying conversation that needs to be considered first – the emotional one.

The emotional conversation involves addressing why the topic of hygiene might be scary and difficult, and making it clear that you have your parent’s back.

For example, you might start by saying something like “I’ve noticed that you’ve been having a hard time with personal hygiene lately. I was wondering if everything is okay. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

This acts as a gentle lead in that allows your parent to talk about any challenges they’re facing. Notably, there’s no judgment. You’re not saying they’re doing something wrong, just that you’re worried about them.

You might also say something like “I know this is a difficult topic. I just want to help, however I can.”

The reason for this is that it’s hard for people to hear logic when their emotions are strong. Speaking to their emotions first makes things easier for everyone and allows the rest of the conversation to flow.

Avoid Ultimatums and ‘Shoulds’

Telling someone what they should do rarely works well. Seniors are likely to become resistant or argumentative, which doesn’t help matters at all.

One way around this is to talk about what you feel. So, you might say “I’ve noticed you haven’t been changing your clothes often and I’m worried.”.

You can also take a collaborative approach, like “What can we do to make this better?”.

The idea is to work on solutions together. Doing so is less overwhelming than telling the senior what they should do. The process also helps you to find solutions that address their underlying needs.  

For example, if the senior finds bathing difficult, you may need to invest in some adaptive equipment for the bathroom, including shower stools and grab bars.

Talk About Hygiene

Some seniors might not understand why you’re so concerned. For example, if the senior isn’t going out often, dirty clothes and body odor mightn’t seem like a big deal.

Here, you can talk about the importance of hygiene for physical and mental health. This includes how not washing regularly raises the risk of infections and sores. Rashes can develop too, which sometimes become very painful.

Beyond this, hygiene is a crucial form of self-care. It has subtle effects on how we feel about ourselves, leading to impacts on mood. Neglecting hygiene could even raise the risk of depression and other mental health issues over time.

Get Professionals Involved

If the senior isn’t swayed by your perspectives, the opinion of their doctor might hold more weight.

You can also talk to doctors and other medical staff for recommendations of how to approach this topic. They may give you ideas about specific conversation starters and other approaches you can take.

A doctor can also help identify potential causes for hygiene issues. For example, consistent bad breath might be an indication of dry mouth, gum disease, or an infection, rather than poor toothbrushing habits.

Introduce Them to New People

Social connections are crucial and powerful. They improve mental health in many ways, partly by stopping people from getting too caught up in their own personal struggles. Social isolation can easily make hygiene issues worse, as seniors have no one to look good for and their risk of depression is higher.

So, why not help?

Look for new social opportunities for the senior, such as connections through a local senior center or even a walking group. You could even go along with them for a while.

Be Patient

Change can take time, especially for seniors with cognitive issues or serious health challenges.

It often helps to simply look for progress. Pay attention to little changes the senior makes and celebrate these, rather than expecting them to get back to ‘normal’ overnight.

Habit tracker apps may be helpful here. These allow you to track small changes over time and keep track of progress, even if that progress is small and slow.

What If Things Don’t Get Better?

Gentle conversations will often be enough to encourage change and promote better hygiene, but they’re not all-powerful. Some seniors may refuse to make any changes. Others may not be capable of meeting their hygiene needs (particularly if they are in the later stages of dementia).

There are two big questions here:

• Is the senior physically capable of caring for their hygiene?
• Is the senior mentally capable of making decisions for themselves?

If they’re not physically capable, then you may need to help with hygiene or hire someone to do this task instead.

But… don’t forget about mental capacity.

In particular, if a senior still has their mental facilities, then they have the right to make decisions about their own life, including their hygiene habits. They’re still an adult – you don’t have the right to force them to make changes.