How To Talk To Elderly Parents About Moving

Having the ‘moving’ conversation with an aging parent is fraught with difficulty. It can be an emotional topic, especially if everyone has strong and differing opinions about the best long-term solutions are. In this post, we’re taking a close look at how to talk to elderly parents about moving.

To do so, we’ll be talking a little about conversation dynamics and how you can have a difficult conversation without ruining your relationship in the process. You can learn more about those processes by looking at our post on how to have difficult conversations.

The Planning Stage

Good conversations often don’t begin the moment that you start talking. Instead, planning well can have a huge impact on how things go. This is more than just thinking about when you’ll talk to your elderly parents about moving. How you approach the conversation matters too.

For a conversation on moving to go well, you need to start with yourself.

It’s really easy to get into a ‘me versus you’ dynamic when faced with a difficult topic. You may see your elderly parent as being unreasonable, stubborn, or refusing to face facts. How can they possibly think that they can safely live on their own? Don’t they see that I’m trying to help them? Don’t they realize how much happier they would be in their own apartment?

Thinking like this is common.

It’s also not helpful.

Here’s the thing, there are two sides to every story.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in your side of it, to the point that you don’t see how the other person is experiencing things. You think that they’re ‘wrong’ and need to be convinced. Most of the time, however, they feel exactly the same. They think you’re the unreasonable one.

Perhaps they feel like you’re pushing them too hard. That you don’t respect their wishes. That you’re treating them like a child or that you’re trying to dictate to them. So, before you go anywhere, you need to be open to their side of things.

Think About the Different Perspectives

An easy place to start is to think about the pros and cons of what you’re proposing. Be honest here. Don’t simply defend your position, but think about how you would feel in the same situation and how things balance out.

Some possible benefits of moving could include:

• Increased safety and security. For example, a move might mean less risky home maintenance, no more stairs to worry about, and a decreased risk of falls. Plus, if you’re looking at moving your parent into your home or assisted living, there will be someone there to make sure that they’re safe.
• Less work. Even just moving your parent to a smaller house means fewer tasks around the home to worry about. This can be a powerful effect, especially for seniors who are struggling with energy or mobility.
• Increased social opportunities. The right move might provide the senior with more chances to connect with others their own age. This isn’t just true for assisted living and nursing homes either. Most types of senior community and senior housing have a greater proportion of seniors as residents than other age groups.
• Chances for activities. Moving to assisted living and some types of senior community will have activities, like exercise classes, bingo, and more.
• More support. Some moves will provide the senior with support for daily tasks, which could even include bathing and medical care, depending on what you’re proposing.
• Decreased costs. Moving to a smaller house, a senior apartment, senior housing, or moving in with you could decrease the senior’s bills, making life less stressful.

Possible issues include;

• Loss of social connection. Moving to a new place means making new friendships. This can be particularly challenging if the senior has lived in the same place for a long time.
• Emotional challenges. Many people have an emotional connection to where they live, especially if it has been their home for many years. Moving somewhere else can be an emotional wrench. The impact may be even worse if the senior feels like you’re bullying them into making the transition.
• A sense of loss of control. It’s sometimes said that aging isn’t for the faint of heart. Indeed, many people struggle to adjust to the health challenges and loss of independence that come with growing older. For some, giving up their current living situation because their child things that they should would feel like too much.
• Increased costs. Some moves are expensive, including assisted living and nursing homes. There may also be associated costs, like hiring a moving van, getting extra help, taking time off work to make the transition easier.

Beyond this, there are also some motivations that are less obvious.

For example, you might want the senior to move so that you worry about them less or even because you want to be better informed about their needs. The senior, on the other hand, may want to retain their autonomy and privacy.

You won’t know the specifics of what your aging parent is worried about until you talk to them. But, you can spend some time thinking about your own reasons and motivations.

Take A Problem Solving Approach

Perhaps the most powerful way to talk to your elderly parents about moving is to step away from trying to convince them.

Rather than being certain that you know what’s best, why not take a more collaborative approach? Focus on learning and understanding each other’s perspectives, then look for a solution together.

What Problem are You Trying to Solve?

To begin with, think about what the actual problem is. What do you hope to make better by getting your parent to move somewhere else?

The answer here is often safety. Perhaps you’re worried about your aging parent living on their own. They might not be able to safely maintain the house and the property, may be at risk for a serious fall, or may need assistance with tasks like cooking or bathing.

There may be financial concerns too. Or, perhaps you simply want them closer to you, so that you are able to help when problems arise.

This is another time where it’s important to be honest with yourself. Think closely about what your motivations are and really get to grips with the problem you’re trying to address. After all, if you don’t know the problem you’re targeting, how can you ever hope to solve it?

Focusing on the problem like this gives you a different goal. Rather than trying to get your parent to move, you’re talking to them about solving the problem. They may have other ways to improve their safety that you haven’t thought about.  

Present Your Idea as a Suggestion

When talking to your parent, there’s a temptation to say that they should make this move. That it’s the best thing for them.

There are multiple issues with doing so.

For one thing, you don’t actually know what’s best. You can make an educated guess based on research, but you can’t ever truly know how an event will turn out.

• Many seniors thrive when entering assisted living or even nursing homes, as they have more readily available social connections, have fewer things to worry about, and are in a predictable environment. Some, however, are much worse off. They may feel trapped by the rules and regulations, may miss their old social connections, and may even be abused.
• Similarly, moving a senior in with you can sometimes be the best choice for everyone involved, making it easier for you to support them. Other times, the move causes nothing but tension. The senior may even end up feeling lonely, as they may be left on their own for most of the day while everyone goes to work.

You’re also looking at this from the outside. You don’t truly know how the senior feels or what they’re struggling with.

Another issue is that no one likes being told that they should do anything. That idea is heavily loaded for most of us. Many people will argue that opposite perspective without hesitation, simply as a way to assert their independence.

Avoid Pushing Too Hard

When we’re trying to convince someone to do something, it’s easy to respond to any resistance by pushing harder. This might involve bringing up the idea at multiple junctures, leaving assisted living brochures lying around, and even getting angry that they don’t see it your way.

Being aggressive like this rarely works. Their resistance will often increase the more you try to force them to see your view.

The effect isn’t so surprising.

When you push like this, your aging parent may end up feeling like they’re unheard, misunderstood, and that their needs aren’t being recognized.

They’re not wrong either.

Most difficult conversations don’t involve one ‘right’ perspective and one ‘wrong’ perspective. Instead, there are simply two different stories. Yours and theirs. You don’t need to agree with their point of view to acknowledge that they have the right to have it.

Always Return to Love

Regardless of how the conversation goes and whether or not they eventually agree with you, it’s crucial that you return back to love and understanding. You might say something like I would still feel better about your safety if you moved, but this is your decision in the end. If you change your mind or want to talk about it some more, just let me know.

Taking this approach has a few advantages.

One is that you’re showing your parent that you still love them, even if they don’t agree with you. This suggests that your relationship with them is much more important than where they live – and that this debate doesn’t need to influence your relationship.

You’re also keeping the door open, making it easy for them to change their mind without judgment. This is powerful, as they may feel differently later, once they’ve had the chance to think and process on their own.

Finally, returning to love like this is respectful. It shows that you respect their right to have a different opinion. Doing so is a more adult approach than punishing them (intentionally or unintentionally) for having different priorities than you.

Other Tips

The list below highlights a few other things to think about.

• Plan your timing. Try to have the conversation when no one is tired and when there’s enough time to talk things through properly. Also, unless the conversation is urgent, try to choose a time when there are no serious stresses going on. This way you and your parent have the emotional energy for the conversation.
• Be prepared to put things on pause. Sometimes the timing might just be wrong, things may get heated, or the emotions are difficult. Coming back to the conversation later gives everybody time to calm down and gather their thoughts.
• Affirm and validate what they feel. You don’t need to agree with someone to make them feel heart.
• Remember to keep the focus on solutions and understanding, rather than on pushing your perspective.
• Stay on task (or, come back to the task). Conversations sometimes derail because other things get dragged into the mix, including the past. The best approach is often to gently direct your parent back to the topic, perhaps telling them that the other area is something for a different day. If something comes up that is relevant, try talking about it for a little, then coming back to the topic at hand.

Finally, think about what is your responsibility and what isn’t. Adult children often struggle with boundaries. While wanting the best for your parent is a good thing, you’re not responsible for their safety and health. They’re still responsible for their own decisions, including ones that you mightn’t agree with.