The Challenge of Stubborn Parents. When (and How) to Back Off.

Updated February 19, 2021

Stubborn parents are a tough problem at any point in time. The issue becomes much more significant when the parents start to experience health problems related to aging. 

This pattern occurs for many different reasons – including fear of losing control, personality and simply the situation at hand. Supporting stubborn parents effectively isn’t easy. The process requires considerable patience and can take time. You also need to be willing to listen.

Thankfully, there are some steps you can take to help your family member and to help yourself. Sometimes this might mean that you need to step back.

An Introduction to Stubborn Seniors

Our posts at Kapok often talk about difficult seniors, including those who are stubborn. The reason is simple – many caregivers face problems with difficult family members.

In fact, one recent study suggested that more than 75% of adult children considered their parents to be stubborn, especially in areas of getting help or advice.

The problem of stubborn parents is bad enough when your parent is fully independent. What happens when they need help or when they’re dependent on you?

We’ve looked at many of these challenges in-depth before. You can check out the following posts for more information.

• Guide to Caring for Stubborn Elderly Parents
• Stubborn Parents and Self-Care: A Caregiver’s Perspective
• How to Deal with a Difficult Elderly Parent

Today, we’re focusing on one area – when it’s time to step away.

Why You Can’t Always ‘Win’

Many caregivers want to know how to convince their family members. There are plenty of good strategies for this, like focusing on communication, listening to their side of the story, and being willing to compromise.

But, when it comes down to it, caring for an aging parent isn’t like raising a child. Most of the time you don’t have authority over the senior. You can research things and give advice, but you can’t force them to agree with you.

The senior does have the right to make decisions for themselves, even if those seem to be the wrong decisions.

We’ve all done that. Gone against advice and made a decision that wasn’t good for us. Sometimes we regret those decisions. Sometimes we don’t.

The Legal Side of Things

The simple truth is that if your family member is legally competent – there’s not a lot you can do. 

Even if it is unsafe for them to live at home, you cannot force them into a nursing home. That has to be their choice, even if they are putting themselves at risk. 

The main way to force a senior down a particular path is obtaining guardianship. This is a legal process that can be drawn out and complicated. You’ll only be successful if the senior is considered unable to make their own decisions. 

Judges tend to favor independence in almost all situations. This makes it difficult to obtain guardianship.

You’ll often be left in the same situation that you started with – a parent in an unsafe living condition. 

If you did find some way to trick or force a senior into an alternative living arrangement – they still have the right to make their own decisions. That means that they can simply leave again if they choose to. 

What Can You Do?

When it comes down to it, your options are extremely limited. You can provide your family member with support, but they have the ultimate say in what they are (and are not) willing to accept. 

Thankfully, this isn’t the end of the story. 

Seniors often come round to the perspective of their children given enough time. This does normally involve an accident, perhaps a significant one. While an accident is never a good thing, it can be a powerful motivator. Such issues can help seniors to see that they really do need support. 

Other seniors simply make the decision on their own, when given the time and space to process. 

They might also take gradual steps, like moving to a smaller house and then to an apartment, then finally to an assisted living facility. The type of gradual transition is much easier for the senior emotionally, providing them with much more control than they would have otherwise. 

For family members, the best approach is to remain supportive. Even if you disagree with their decisions, make sure your parent knows that you are available, should they ever need you. Try to avoid making them feel bad about previous decisions too – you want them to be able to trust you. 

Know When to Step Back

Providing your family member with information and advice is important. You might have more information than them or be able to see things more clearly.

The trick is to know when to push your perspective and when to step back.

To do so, you need to have high-quality conversations with the senior. Try to understand their point of view and learn what is motivating them. The more you know about their perspective, the easier it is to find solutions that work.

But, don’t turn this into a debate. The goal shouldn’t be to force your perspective. Instead, focus on making sure that you both understand one another.

You also need to respect the senior and their decision, even if you don’t agree with what they’ve chosen. Trying to bully them down a particular path isn’t going to work. You’ll probably just drive a wedge between them and you.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up

Here’s another thing. Try, as much as possible, not to beat yourself up if things go wrong.

Your parent might make a bad decision that leaves them in hospital. It’s easy to think that if you just tried harder, they’d be okay. In the end though, it was always their decision.

You can’t control life anyway. Bad things do happen and people don’t always make the best decisions. It’s more important to learn what you can and move on.

It’s also worth remembering that you’re not responsible for someone else’s decisions.

Look for Support

If your parents are frustrating you, look for ways to vent. While going over the same ground over and over again isn’t helpful, sometimes you simply need to get everything you feel out in the open.

Don’t do this with your parents, especially not if you’re having a difficult time with them. Caregiver forums can be a fantastic place, as some members will be in a similar situation. Getting this type of empathetic support can be seriously powerful.

How to Step Back

Stepping back doesn’t need to be difficult. The most important thing is to treat your aging parents like adults, not children. Talk to them, listen to them, and respect their intelligence.

Doing this makes it easy to maintain a good relationship, regardless of what happens.

Plus, if you’re friendly and respectful throughout the process, your parent is more likely to come to you if something does go wrong.