Providing care for a loved one is such a complicated situation, especially because of all the emotions involved. Struggle is one word that comes to everybody’s mind when being a caregiver. Juggling is another one.
I don’t hear a lot about “acceptance”, though and acceptance in caregiving is actually an important concept.
For me, after learning many life lessons for being a caregiver for both of my parents, acceptance is the most important word that relates to caregiving. Unfortunately, we normally learn about this long after the caregiving process is complete.
Let me share my story with you and I hope that you understand why I think acceptance is the most valuable word and concept for any caregiver.
If you can learn acceptance in caregiving then it really can improve your experience at caregiving and even the quality of caregiving.
I’ve been a caregiver for both of my parents. Just like many other women, I didn’t choose to be a caregiver and instead my role was dictated by circumstance.
My first experience with caregiving involved caring for my father and this happened when I had just turned 21. Around that time my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and he only lived for another three months after the diagnosis.
Everything happened so fast and was so overwhelming. My mother, my sister and I didn’t discuss how we’d organize the situation; and most important for me, how we’d cope with the pain and sadness of seeing my father becoming more debilitated day by day without hope.
I was the one the family turned to for my father’s everyday care. I was graduating college that year. Even though I was working, I was suddenly the one missing days at work to drive him to chemotherapy or radiation therapy, and dealing with every single aspect of his care.
I ended up getting fired because I’d missed so many days at work. I was also the one helping him walk through the house, then I became the person responsible for carrying him on my arms (literally) from the bed to the living room or even to the bathroom.
I was lost in pain, sadness and feelings of confusion, unfairness, and what I now realize was self-pity. I felt completely alone.
My saddest memory is on my 21st birthday when my father tried to give me a hug but half of his body was paralyzed, so he couldn’t raise his arms to bring me close to him. My sweetest memories are all the life-changing conversations we had while driving to the doctors, creating even stronger bonds between us.
Many years later, after years of battling with Hepatitis C, my mom was diagnosed with hepatic cancer, and less than a year of life left. I was in my early 40s at this time.
By then, my life was consumed with my mother’s care, for which I bared complete responsibility.
I was also working many hours a week and was going through a divorce. She had hired a caregiver while I worked, but I still had the major responsibilities.
Every day I stopped by her place, called her, talked to her caregiver, to the doctors, went out for groceries, watched her favorite TV show with her, managed her documents and bank issues, and whatever else had to be done. There wasn’t a moment that I wasn’t thinking of what needed to be done in relation to her care.
I felt as though I was reliving my life as a 21-year-old; sad because she was dying; confused and resentful because I felt lonely while witnessing the daily little things that showed she would be leaving soon. Unfair was a word I used constantly.
My saddest, yet sweetest, memory of those days is the day I was helping her to walk from one room to another, when she suddenly hugged my waist, with her frail body, and asked me to dance with her. We played some music in the background, danced and laughed, just a few days before she passed away.
I didn’t want to see my parents go, and I resisted as much as I could. My mind was very busy resisting, fighting, complaining… I felt an overflow of enormous love for them and sadness that they would be leaving me.
However, as years have passed, I have begun to understand why my caregiver situation was personally filled with such struggle and pain. It was easier, and less scary, to blame unfair situations as an excuse for my feelings instead of accepting the situation, facing my loss and doing my best.
Only when you truly accept that life has brought you a challenging situation, can you truly become aware of the present moment. Resistance here is your enemy; if you resist, your awareness and presence disappears.
So, acceptance in caregiving ends up being much more significant than it first seems.
This acceptance, instead of creating passivity or a feeling of “giving up,” allows you to think with much more clarity.
Your decision-making skills will not be polluted by overwhelming negative feelings; and therefore, you will be able to make the best decisions.
Had I accepted that I was the main person responsible for my parents’ care, I would’ve been able to clearly articulate the help I needed.
I could’ve thought about hiring somebody part-time and working part-time, and I could have avoided being fired.
I could’ve used my management skills to more effectively coordinate their care and minimize its impact on my personal life.
My mind, though, was only able to see situations that confirmed my resistance to surrender to the most important thing in my life at that moment: to be my parents’ caregiver.
My parents both had very good care; everything we could afford. They had love and companionship. Because I’d struggled with accepting my role as a caregiver, I still sometimes think I could’ve done more and done it better.
After I understood that, I also understood why their care was mainly my responsibility. It wasn’t because I didn’t have the “valuable” things in my life at that time as I thought I did. It was because I was the one with enough strength, determination, compassion, and love to cope with that challenge of caregiving.
Because I was so focused on my past memories of my parents and my fear for the future, I wasn’t able to live in the moment and enjoy the time that I still had with them.
Accepting and embracing something that you cannot avoid, yet fear or don’t want, can open up so many ways of dealing with the situation. I think it forces you to consider new solutions that will make life better and happier for everybody involved in the situation.
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