The concept of tough love is probably very familiar. The term is normally used with children and teenagers, where sometimes you need to draw a firm line to help them in the long term.
Practicing tough love with elderly parents isn’t as common.
It might seem strange too. After all, kids and teenagers have growing up to do and important lessons to learn. If parents don’t practice tough love when it’s needed, the kid may grow up without the resilience required to thrive. Plus, kids don’t always know what they need. How could they? They’re still learning and developing?
Elderly parents aren’t in the same boat at all. They’ve lived a full life already and know how to fend for themselves.
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So, Why Tough Love?
Despite all their experience and life history, tough love with elderly parents can be very important.
This is particularly true for demanding, stubborn, or clingy aging parents, ones who don’t want to take care of their needs, even when they’re perfectly capable.
In these situations, tough love has two effects.
First, it gets the senior doing what they’re able to. This often promotes their health in the long term and keeps them independent.
Second, tough love frees up your time and energy.
This isn’t selfish. It’s self-preservation. Dropping everything constantly to meet your aging parents’ whims never ends well. Most adult children in this situation end up completely wiped and unable to cope.
Plus, what happens if your parent’s abilities get worse over time and they get to the point where they actually need support? If you’ve been at their beck and call for years by then, you mightn’t have the energy to help when it matters the most.
In the long-term, tough love helps them and it helps you – even though it mightn’t feel like it at the time.
Is Tough Love Always Appropriate?
Simply put, no. Tough love with elderly parents isn’t always appropriate. Sometimes it’s completely the wrong thing to do.
The same is true when you’re raising kids or supporting anyone else.
Tough love is most appropriate when the person you’re supporting can and should do things for themselves. It’s not appropriate when they can’t do the thing or when doing so is incredibly overwhelming or stressful.
For example…
A parent with incontinence may still have accidents, no matter how hard they try. Tough love in this context is likely to just make them more stressed and embarrassed, which doesn’t help with anything.
Tough love also doesn’t work for seniors with cognitive challenges, particularly dementia. In fact, being harsh with dementia patients borders on abuse, as they often don’t understand what is going on and can’t retain the information you give them.
Being tough won’t work in this situation anyway, so it’s not a wise path.
Similarly, parents with depression or severe anxiety may not respond well to tough love practices. They’re often already trying their best. More pressure is just likely to make things worse.
If you’re not sure what to do, try talking to their doctor about the situation. Other experts may be relevant too, including experts in cognition and psychology in older adults. They should be able to tell you about your parent’s capabilities and offer insights into when it’s best to be kind and when it’s best to practice tough love instead.
How Do You Practice Tough Love?
Tough love basically comes down to setting boundaries and sticking to them.
But that’s not the first step.
Before you set anything in place, you need to understand more about what’s happening and what your options are.
1. Consider The Situation at Hand
So then, before you start any type of tough love practice, you need to figure out what’s appropriate and what’s not. To do this, it’s important to get a sense of the situation at hand and where the biggest challenges are.
How do you do that? There are a few ways.
- Look for their point of view. Why is the senior not doing what you think they should? Are there any underlying fears that may play a role, like fear that they’ll lose their independence.
- Consider both sides. It’s also important to step back from the story that you’re right and they’re wrong. Most situations aren’t that straightforward. Remember, your disapproval doesn’t necessarily mean that things need to change.
- Are there any relevant medical or medication issues? Some medications or conditions may make it difficult for the senior to think straight or remember. If such an issue is in play, it needs to be worked on first.
- Get an external opinion (or a few). It’s hard to work out what needs to be done on your own. After all, you’re emotionally invested in the situation and have your own biases. Members of caregiving forums are often particularly helpful, as some will have been in a similar situation. You might also talk to a therapist or the senior’s doctor to give you extra insight.
These approaches should give you a sense of the areas where change is needed.
It’s helpful to get very clear here, with yourself and with others.
What are the big issues? What urgently needs changing?
For example, the senior might be refusing to care for themselves or it may no longer be safe for them to live alone.
Remember that you’re not the ultimate authority in your parent’s life. They are adults and get to choose for themselves (in most situations). This means they can make poor decisions about their health.
You can’t force them to care for themselves or to make good decisions. But, you can step back from enabling those poor decisions and from picking up the pieces.
2. Work Out What Changes Are Needed
The next question is, what should be changed? What makes the situation better?
You might involve the senior here, perhaps by talking through different options.
Doing so can seem overwhelming, especially if they’re stubborn. We’ve highlighted various strategies in another post, so we’ll just run through a few hot tips now.
- Be curious. Conversations often turn into arguments because both parties are trying to convince the other and neither is really listening. Being curious works better. Here, you’re trying to understand the other person’s perspective, their fears, and limitations.
- Talk about solutions. Before you start drawing hard lines, it’s worth simply talking about ways to resolve the current challenges – trying to find ways forward together. Many older adults respond poorly to being told what to do, but are willing to compromise when they feel heard and validated.
- Be relational. Conversations often go better if you can regularly come back to love, to the connection between you and the person you’re supporting. This may include reminding them that you care for them and you’re trying to make sure they stay healthy.
For more ideas, check out the book Difficult Conversations – How to Discuss What Matters Most. It’s one of many books on having such conversations, but it’s a particularly good one and my personal favorite.
It’s also important to not get stuck on particular solutions. This is true regardless of whether you’re having a conversation or working things out on your own. Sometimes the best solution will be something you didn’t even imagine at the beginning.
3. Start Making Boundaries
Now we’re at the heart of the matter.
Once you have thought/talked through the situation and know what changes are needed, it’s time for the tough love part.
This generally involves setting boundaries – such as telling your parents that you’re not going to come and help them at a moment’s notice or saying you’ll no longer be able to do specific tasks.
This is difficult, I know.
Some seniors will react poorly to boundaries, especially if you haven’t set them in the past. Being gentle, loving, and firm is the best way to practice tough love, without irreparably harming your relationship.
Remind yourself and them that this is important. That you’re doing this out of love, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Remember that your own needs are important. They truly are. Giving up your life to support them isn’t doing anyone any favors.
There’s also the fact that some people are simply never happy and always look for more. You could give up everything for them and they’d still be miserable and complaining much of the time.
This is one more reason to protect yourself. After all, if it’s not possible to make them happy, why give up everything in an attempt to please them?
Tough Love with Living Arrangements
There’s one other area of tough love to talk about – housing arrangements.
Aging parents often end up living with their children. There are some excellent reasons for doing so, such as reducing costs and being on hand for their needs.
However, the situation doesn’t always work well for anyone.
This is particularly true with dementia patients (and is one of the rare times you may need to practice tough love with a parent who has dementia).
Many adult children promise that the senior will be able to remain in their own home or living with family, and that they’ll never send the senior to a facility.
The idea is noble but isn’t always realistic.
It may get to the point where the senior can’t live safely at home. They may need the professional training, support, and structure that comes with assisted living or a memory care facility.
Other times, you may not be able to cope with the workload.
After all, being a family caregiver can be intense. You may have plenty of other balls in the air too, like working a job, raising children, caring for their health, and taking care of yourself.
Things just get more stressful as your parent’s health deteriorates, particularly if they have dementia. There’s a fairly recent movie called The Father that is an excellent illustration of what this can look like.
Some caregivers find they must draw a tough line.
This can include refusing to house the senior anymore and moving them into a facility.
Some aging parents may not be happy with this decisions and dementia patients may not understand it either. This can lead to resentment and even anger, especially at first.
While the move may sound dramatic, it is sometimes the only way forward. Often the senior will be safer and better cared for in a facility than they ever could be with you.
Many seniors actually enjoy assisted living once they’re there, as they have a chance to connect with people their own age and enjoy activities that are catered for them.
Final Thoughts
The idea of tough love with seniors is, well, tough.
No one wants to draw a hard line. It’s also easy to imagine or hope that they’ll listen to reason given enough time.
However, this often isn’t the case.
There are all kinds of reasons as to why, including fear, entitlement, lack of emotional intelligence, mental illnesses, and other challenges. In one sense, though, the reasons don’t matter.
The important thing is to recognize that reason and negotiation aren’t going to solve the situation. You need to be tough instead.
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