One of the most common challenges that people face as they age is when their elderly parent refuses help. This issue isn’t just true for caregivers either.
Instead, many of us face it at some point in their lives, especially as parents get older and their ability to meet their own needs decline.
The pattern isn’t surprising either.
Many seniors do feel that they are perfectly capable of taking care of their own needs, regardless of whether or not that is true. It is also difficult for many people to admit that they need help.
For example, some would see this as a sign of weakness, especially if that help and support would be coming from their children. Others may feel that when they start asking for help, they lose control over their lives.
So then, it’s no surprise that there are many stubborn aging parents out there, ones that do need help but aren’t willing to accept any.
But, what can you do?
After all, your parent is probably considered legally competent and may be fine in many other areas of their life. So, you can’t literally force them to accept help. Pushing too hard may also simply make them resistant and even less willing to compromise.
Even though it seems difficult, most situations can be resolved to some degree, if you find the right approach. The various sections below highlight key strategies that you can take to ensure your family member gets the help and support that they need.
Focus on Empowerment
In many cases, people resist help because it feels like they are losing control of their own life. And honestly, that’s a scary concept.
This is the same reason why many seniors want to drive for as long as possible, even if they are putting themselves and others at risk.
Yet, receiving help can actually be empowering. In particular, getting help in the little areas can help seniors to remain at home for longer, which ultimately provides them with more control over their lives. Likewise, areas like physical exercise can mean that they are more social and healthier for longer.
Another angle is the idea that having help gives the senior more time and energy for other tasks.
Take mowing the lawn for example. If you are doing that for the senior, then they can engage in other activities instead, things that they enjoy.
What’s more, the idea isn’t so different than hiring someone to clean your house or work in your garden. Many people do so because they want more time, not because they are physically incapable. Having extra help doesn’t have to be a sign of weakness and means that your family member can focus on things that they are good at and enjoy.
If you can emphasize these areas in your conversations, it will often make seniors more willing to accept help. Doing so can make the concept seem less threatening as well.
Try to Understand
One of the key ways to find solutions is to understand the actual problem at hand. Some seniors will simply be stubborn for the sake of being stubborn – but there is typically an underlying reason.
The loss of control over their own lives is one example, although there are others too.
If you can figure out specifically why a parent is resisting help, it may be easier to work out the best way forward. For example, my mother-in-law grew up in poverty, so she was incredibly resistant to the idea of paying anyone to do anything.
Once I figured that out, it was easier to find answers that worked for our situation.
Even if altering the solution isn’t an option, understanding the reason for stubbornness can help you to frame the conversation. Likewise, it may help you work out the best time to ask and what arguments to make.
It’s also important to realize that you may not always have it right.
In some cases, we become biased, assuming that something will work without actually knowing whether or not it will. Likewise, people vary in what they need and what works best for them.
By taking the time to listen and to understand, you have a much better chance of figuring out a way forward and a solution that is going to viable.
Focus On You, Not Them
Elderly parents are still parents and they typically want the best for their kids. This may even be one reason why they refuse help in the first place.
As such, you can reframe the topic to make it more about you and less about them. Doing so can increase the chances that they will accept help.
For example, if your elderly parent refuses help initially, you might talk about how it would give you peace of mind and mean you have one less thing to worry about. In contrast, them not accepting help can be incredibly stressful for you and many parents won’t want that.
At the same time, not accepting help deprives you of a family connection.
In particular, people often grow spiritually and emotionally when they support family members. This also gives you the chance to spend more time with your elderly parent, which could be critical if you have a busy life.
So, focusing on how you would benefit from helping may make your family member much more compliant. In many cases, they may accept help for your benefit, even if they don’t think that they need it.
Find Compromises
In many cases, there may be an intermediate between your ideal and your family member’s. For example, you may be considering assisted living for your elderly parent or even just a retirement home.
If they’re resistant to this idea, it’s worth considering what the major issues are.
So, if you’re primarily worried about social isolation, think about other ways to keep them connected while they are still at home. There is no shortage of options for doing so, including programs offered by local senior centers, along with many apps and tools.
This type of compromise can also be a good way to encourage seniors to get help. For example, your elderly parent may not want someone to help with the housework a couple of times a week – but they may be willing to accept that if it means you stop trying to push them into a retirement home.
Now, finding compromises won’t always work and there may not always be a viable middle ground. Nevertheless, the idea can be effective in some situations.
Pick Your Battles
In any relationship, some debates are worth having and others aren’t. This is especially true when dealing with anyone who is stubborn or resistant.
For example, if your elderly parent showers every second day, rather than every day – it may be wiser not to confront the issue, especially if they are still wearing clean clothes daily. In contrast, if they aren’t washing for days at a time, this is an area you may need to tackle (for advice on doing so, see this post).
The same is true for other areas.
So, if a problem is significantly impacting your parent’s health, or you think it could in the future – it may be important to talk about the topic. But, if the impact is minor, the conversation may not be worth having.
After all, we’re all different. You may not like all of the habits your elderly parent has but some of them may not be causing any harm at all.
Be Ready When The Time Comes
When all else fails, the answer may be to simply be prepared. Regardless of your best efforts, some stubborn parents cannot be swayed – and constantly trying to convince them may do more harm than good.
As a result, it may be necessary to take a step back, for the time being.
In many cases, it takes a dramatic event for a senior to realize that they actually do need help, such as a fall or an accident. Obviously, this isn’t the ideal, especially as such an event could be debilitating, if not fatal.
But, there are cases where there is literally no other approach. After all, if the senior isn’t in any immediate danger, you don’t have the legal ability to force their hand.
For that matter, you may also be overestimating the risk.
With this in mind, being ready and being supportive are important. In particular, you want your family member to see you as an ally and someone who cares. The previous strategies can all help in this area.
If this is the case, then they’re likely to look to you if something does go wrong. In contrast, some seniors could resist asking for help even when they do need it, simply because they don’t want an ‘I told you so’ reaction.
You can also have plans and strategies in place so that if anything happens, you can respond quickly. This may include having a hospital bag packed and tucked away somewhere, along with ensuring that emergency numbers, medical records and important documents are easy to access.
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