The Best Responses When Aging Parents Expect Too Much

Some seniors are independent in their old age, only seeking help when it is absolutely essential or perhaps even resisting assistance entirely. Others fall into the opposite camp, looking for support regularly, sometimes when they don’t even need it.

So, what do you do when aging parents expect too much?

Providing this support can be a wonderful way to give back to your mother or father, to thank them for the support that they hopefully provided you through the years. But, how far do you go with this?

There’s often a temptation to go above and beyond, to meet their requests whenever possible, even if they are unreasonable.

However, doing so rarely works well. You’ll probably find that you’re missing out on your own needs and may quickly burn out.

Plus, parents who are unreasonable in their requests often aren’t easily satisfied either. Many will simply want more and more, regardless of how much you give.

Look at What Your Parent Actually Needs

The first step is to try to see the situation objectively.

In many cases, aging parents who expect too much do have some genuine needs that they can’t meet independently, along with plenty of other areas where they’d rather have someone else put in the effort.

To work out how to respond to the situation, you first need to distinguish between the two areas.

Go beyond the emotions, any sense of guilt, and the idea of what you should be doing. Instead, look at the patterns of what’s happening.

• Where is your parent being overly demanding? Where are they being unreasonable?
• What demands are they making that they can actually meet themselves?
• Are there other solutions? What are they? For example, your parent feeling lonely doesn’t mean you need to be constantly with them. There are plenty of other ways for them to feel connected.
• Are you feeling burned out? Overwhelmed?
• Are you running out of time for your own needs?

Everything feeling like too much is a sure sign that something needs to change.

Ask for Insight

It’s often difficult to see clearly when you’re emotionally invested in a situation.

So, it’s best to look for external input – ideally from people who aren’t emotionally invested themselves. Caregiving forums can be a fantastic approach, as other caregivers will often know exactly what you’re going through.

Talking to a therapist can help as well, especially one who specializes in boundary work.

Talking to other people may also help you to understand more about where your parent is coming from. You may even discover some new ideas about how to support them.

Where Does the Behavior Come From?

It’s also worth thinking about why your parent seems to regularly expect too much. There are a variety of potential reasons here and more than one of them may apply.

Habit

Sometimes, people just get in the habit of relying on others.

This is particularly common if other people keep saying yes. It can quickly get to the point where your parent doesn’t think of trying to find solutions for themselves. Instead, they’ll default to calling you.

Thankfully, habits can be broken, and parents in this situation can learn to be less dependent over time.

A Cognitive Issue

In some cases, mental illness or cognitive decline may make parents expect more than is reasonable.

This is common for people experiencing memory loss, as they may not remember that they only recently asked for your support. They may also default to familiar patterns, rather than looking for ways to solve their problems themselves.

Some types of personality disorders also lead to people being overly dependent, such as histrionic personality disorder. Narcissism, Asperger’s, and borderline personality disorder can sometimes have aspects of emotional or practical dependence.   

Anxiety disorders can sometimes make parents needy too, as they may be nervous to do things on their own.

It’s important to identify any cognitive issues that are present, as these will influence what your parent is able to understand about the situation.

They May Not Realize

Another interesting pattern can emerge too, where aging parents don’t realize that they’re being overly demanding. Or, perhaps, they have some sense, but aren’t aware of the full extent of how difficult they’re making things for you.

This is particularly likely if you always say yes when your parents ask for help. In this case, your parents might assume that everything is fine, as you don’t say otherwise.

It’s also possible that they don’t realize how much else you have going on in your life – or the way that you’re struggling to hold it all together.

Fear

Aging can be a scary process, where people are gradually losing physical strength and independence.

Some seniors respond to this by relying heavily on those around them.

This may also happen if something bad happens when they’re on their own, such as having a fall or a mini-stroke. Suddenly they may feel that they’re not safe doing things for themselves and want you to step up instead.

There may also be a fear of strangers at play.

So, your parent may feel fine about you visiting and helping out with everything, but they’re terrified of hiring someone else to do the same tasks. That leads to them relying on you instead.

Who They Are

Some parents start to expect too much as they get older. Others may have been that way their entire lives and that pattern gets even stronger when they age.

Basically, some parents are simply more self-centered than others. If they didn’t learn to focus on others earlier on in life, they’re unlikely to start doing so as a senior.

Adult children who grew up with this type of behavior may find it difficult to suddenly start setting boundaries. However, doing so is important, as the parent’s behavior is unlikely to change – no matter how much you do for them.

What to do When Aging Parents Expect Too Much

Be Kind and Empathetic

Kindness is always powerful, especially for difficult topics. Remember that aging isn’t an easy process. It can be terrifying for some seniors.

Perhaps they’re turning to you because they don’t know what else to do or how else to cope.

If there is any fear at play, then being aggressive isn’t likely to help. Instead, it works better to take things slowly. Try to see their point of view. And, if you don’t know where they’re coming from – why not ask? They may be able to give you some new insight.

Communicate Well

Another critical area is communication.

After all, your parents can’t read your mind. There’s a lot they don’t know about your needs.

Often, your aging parent won’t even realize that they’re asking too much of you. In that case, resolving the situation could be as simple as talking it through together and looking for solutions.

Even if they do recognize that they’re being demanding, a sudden change in the amount of support you provide might be shocking and hurtful. It helps to take things gently. To explain why things need to change and that you still deeply care about them.

You might begin by talking about what you’re having a problem with and how you’d like to resolve things. Try to avoid blame, as blame often makes people defensive, which then makes everything more difficult.

Listening to their perspective can help too. Doing so makes the whole experience feel much less like rejection. Who knows? You might even be able to find some new approaches together.

Also, think about how you frame things.

In particular, people are often less resistant to being asked to do something, rather than being told to stop a given behavior.

For example, you might ask your aging mother to call and ask before visiting, rather than telling her to stop dropping by unannounced. The request is roughly the same either way, but the latter approach is kinder and often easier for others to accept. 

Find Alternative Solutions

Most of the time, when aging parents expect too much, they do have some actual needs. For example, they mightn’t be able to go out easily, which makes shopping for their own food difficult. Or, perhaps they’re very socially isolated and need company.

However, there’s more than one way to solve a problem. Most of the time, there are multiple possible solutions.

So, start looking for approaches that meet the senior’s needs, without being so overwhelming for you.

For example, if your aging father wants you to visit almost daily because he is lonely, you might start limiting your visits and helping him to find other sources of social connection. If your parent finds it difficult to go out, you might bring them groceries once a week, but refuse to drop by random non-essential items on a daily basis. 

They may prefer the original approach, but this doesn’t mean you should back down. Remember, no one gets exactly what they want all the time. Life doesn’t work like that.

Try Not to Buy Into The Guilt

Guilt is tough. It makes us feel that we’re doing something wrong. That we’re not good sons or daughters.

Here’s the thing, though, guilt is often misplaced. Sometimes we feel guilty when we’re not doing anything wrong whatsoever.

This is particularly true when aging parents expect too much, as they place you under strong pressure to perform. They may also act like nothing you do is ever good enough, which can undermine your sense of self-worth.

Talking to other people can help by showing you that your wants and needs are perfectly reasonable. However, make sure you have conversations with people who can be objective. Anyone emotionally invested in your aging parents may bring their own biases to the discussion.

Caregiving forums can help too, as many members will have been through similar situations. Indeed, there’s a fantastic discussion on the AgingCare forums about why aging parents are often so demanding, along with why it’s more than okay for adult children to start putting their foot down.

Start Making Boundaries

Boundary issues are often present when aging parents expect too much. It’s very easy to always fall into the pattern of saying yes, often without hesitation or argument.

And, let’s be honest, most of us want to please our parents. We’ll often go above and beyond to do so.

However, boundaries are one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship. You shouldn’t ever be giving in to another person all the time. That’s not healthy. It’s vital for you to maintain your own wants, needs, and sense of who you are.

Effectively, boundaries involve drawing a line. Starting to say no to things and protect your own wants and needs.

The first step is working out where to place boundaries. This is why it’s important to work out what your parent actually needs. Then start to think about your own wants and needs. What makes you thrive? What do you need more of in your life?

Looking closely at your own values can help with this process too. Doing so gives you a sense of what matters the most in your life and where you can compromise.

Look For Outside Assistance

Techniques like communicating, finding alternative solutions, and creating boundaries are all important, but they won’t work well for every situation.

Parents who are stubborn, toxic, or have a mental health condition may not be rational all of the time and may not be able to respond well to any boundaries you set.

This may mean you need to enlist outside help. For a stubborn parent, getting other people on your side could help them to see that you’re not being unreasonable.

Seniors who are regularly anxious or highly stressed may benefit from therapy. A good therapist can help to trace the root of the anxiety and give them tools for dealing with how they feel.

You might also look for advice from experts. This is particularly relevant if your parent suffers from dementia, as dementia patients can’t be reasoned with in the way that other seniors can.

Important Things to Think About

There’s a handful of other important areas to talk about too, including how you’re going to feel and tweaks you may need to experiment with.

You May Need to Change Your Boundaries

While boundaries are important, they’re not set in stone. You may need to adjust your boundaries somewhat depending on the situation, especially if there are dramatic changes.

You may also need to negotiate and tweak your boundaries based on other people and their needs. This doesn’t mean being a pushover – simply that it takes time to find approaches that work well for everyone.

After all, each person in a relationship has their own wants and needs. It takes time to find a healthy balance between these.

You Might Feel Guilty or Uncomfortable

Starting to push back against a demanding parent can be tough, especially if they’re resistant.

Guilt is a common response. This doesn’t mean that you’re wrong, though. Caregivers often struggle with misplaced guilt, partly because we set standards for ourselves that were never achievable.  

Because this guilt takes time to dissipate, it’s important to rely on your rational mind. Remember the decisions that you made and that they’re essential. Your emotions will catch up in time.

If you’re struggling in this area, try reading a book on boundaries. These are rich in practical advice. Many also help you to see that boundaries aren’t problematic at all. The book Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents is a useful introduction, as the author focuses on caregiving-specific challenges.

You May Need to Do Additional Emotional Work

Sometimes parents are unreasonable because of cognitive decline or fear related to aging. But, other times, your parents expecting too much might not be new behavior at all.

If you’ve struggled with this area your whole life, you may need additional support to help you find new patterns of behavior and undermine old emotional responses. Therapy can be incredibly helpful here.

You could also experiment with self-help books. These aren’t as tailored to your needs as a therapist can be, but are often more accessible.

My personal favorite is Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. This is a particularly useful book for parents who don’t realize that they’re being unreasonable. It also offers plenty of strategies for dealing with unjustified responses and your own emotions.

They May Push Back

Parents who expect too much are often quite reactive when told ‘no’.

Some will get angry and aggressive, perhaps accusing you of being a bad child, of not loving them, or of abandoning them. Others may turn on the guilt instead, trying to make you feel bad.

Try not to buy into these reactions.

Instead, reaffirm the idea that you do still love them, but that you need to care for yourself too.

They May Never Understand

Many of us have the ideal that if we explain things just right that our parents will understand, back off, and be kinder to us.

This does happen sometimes. Some parents will understand where you’re coming from and apologize for their excessive requests.

Others won’t. Some parents either don’t want to see reality or can’t. They lean into being upset instead and seeing the worst in everything that’s going on.

This mightn’t be something you can fix. If your parent wants to put a negative spin on everything, they will. Your job now is to protect yourself and your own mental health.

Final Thoughts

It’s never easy when aging parents expect too much.

There may be this part of you that wants to give them everything they ask for, even if you know that doing so is hurting you. You’ve also got your own conditioning and emotional responses to deal with, which can make saying no difficult.

However, you can’t keep being a doormat. Doing so is incredibly harmful – and doesn’t help them either. Regardless of what they want or what they think, you need to establish clear boundaries.

Try not to worry, though. In most cases, reclaiming your own power will improve your relationship with your parents.

And, again, you’re not being selfish. Even as a caregiver, your job isn’t to be at your parent’s beck and call. You have a life of your own too.