What to Do When Your Elderly Mother Wants Constant Attention

Adult children often face one of two problems with aging parents.

Sometimes parents are fiercely independent, refusing help from any and all sources, while trying to hold onto their old life as much as possible.

Other parents may fall into the opposite camp, like when your elderly mother wants constant attention or when they’re expecting too much of you.

So, what do you do if your mother wants attention constantly?

You’ve probably already tried being there as much as possible.

Perhaps you’ve learned the hard way that what you do doesn’t really make a difference. No matter how much time you spend with them, it just doesn’t seem to be enough. You might find that no matter how long you visit for, they always want you to stay longer or that they want you to come back the very next day.  

What’s going on? Why does your aging mother (or father) want attention all the time and what can you do about it?

What Attention Seeking Behavior Looks Like

Attention seeking comes in various forms. The most overt version is when seniors regularly ask you to spend time with them, perhaps getting upset any time that you’re not able to.

You might even find that your parent follows you around the house or that they expect you to be engaged with them the entire time that you’re there. This is particularly difficult if you live with them, as it may feel like you never get a moment’s peace.

Other times, your parent may constantly bring attention back to themselves. This might include trying to ‘beat’ any story you tell, constantly creating drama, gossiping, and complaining. Basically, they want things to be about them.

Where Does the Behavior Come From?

Before talking about what to do when your elderly mother wants constant attention, we need to look at the underlying reasons. After all, the reasons why parents behave in the way they do will determine the best ways to respond to them.

Below are common reasons for attention seeking behavior. Once we’ve looked at these, we’ll start to delve into solutions.

Habitual Dependence

Some people simply get into the habit of depending on others. Perhaps they’ve spent most of their life raising children or as part of a couple, so they don’t really know what to do with themselves on their own.

They may find it easier and more enjoyable to be with someone.

Aging parents and their children can get into this dynamic following an injury or illness as well.

For example, a parent who had a fall may need to be waited on hand and foot for a while, while their body heals. Some parents are anxious to get back to their lives and their independence. Others find that they enjoy the attention, so keep seeking it even when they’re able to support themselves again.

Memory or Cognitive Issues

Attention-seeking isn’t always intentional. Seniors with cognitive disabilities or memory issues may simply not remember that you were just with them.

4 Seasons Home Care explains that this issue is particularly common with dementia patients, who may even follow caregivers from room to room or call adult children multiple times per hour.

Emotional Distress

Some seniors feel upset and anxious when they’re left alone.

This can be linked to fear that something bad will happen. It’s a particularly common issue for seniors who have experienced a fall or another type of accident in the past, as they already know just how bad things can be.

Seniors who are anxious or depressed may also struggle in this area, as their mental health issues compound whatever practical challenges that they’re facing.

If this pattern is the case, your parent’s distress may feel unrealistic, but it is very real to them. Logic mightn’t be enough to help either, as your parent still feels afraid, even if they know there’s nothing to be concerned about.

What You Can Do

Set Clear Boundaries

One of the most powerful things to do when your elderly mother wants constant attention is to start setting boundaries.

Doing so can feel mean, especially at first, as you’re basically refusing to give her what she wants. However, if you don’t set boundaries, then the problem will only ever get worse.

Setting boundaries doesn’t need to be a harsh process. You can take it gently and explain the reasons to your aging parent. Make sure they know that you do still love them. That this isn’t personal at all. You’re simply taking time for yourself. To make sure your needs are met too. 

If you take this route, here are a few important things to remember.

• You’re not responsible for how she feels. It’s easy to take on responsibility for other people’s emotions, to assume that our ‘job’ is to make them feel good. It’s not, though. The way people feel is their own lookout.
• You probably can’t make her happy anyway. If you’ve ever tried to satisfy a needy parent, you’ll know that the task is all but impossible. It doesn’t matter what you do, your parent always seems to want more. You could give up everything that matters to you to meet their needs and they still wouldn’t be happy. So, it’s time to take care of you.
• Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re wrong. You may feel guilty at drawing boundaries. This doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. Fake guilt is surprisingly common, often because of things that happened in the past. Learn to trust your decisions, rather than how you feel in the moment.
• You may feel uncomfortable if setting boundaries is a new thing for you. Many people struggle at the beginning. However, the emotions do settle down and things get easier with time.  
• She may push back. Elderly parents who want constant attention often kick back when you start saying no. Sometimes this is an aggressive response, where they’re angry at you. Other times, they may focus on emotional manipulation, acting like you are abandoning them. Such push back isn’t a reason to back down. Instead, it’s an important reminder of why you need to stand your ground.
• Things get better. The initial phase of setting boundaries can be tough for everyone. It’s a bit of a no man’s land where the relationship is getting rebalanced and no one is quite sure where they stand. Most of the time, though, this disquiet settles and your relationship will tend to improve.

If you’re not sure where to start, check out our post on setting boundaries. There’s also an excellent book by Allison Bottke called Setting Boundaries with your Aging Parents, which offers many more examples and specific techniques that you can follow.

Here’s one more thing.

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Not having them quickly leads to miscommunication, resentment, and even anger. So, even if creating them feels difficult, boundaries are a powerful way to make things better.

Train Your Parents

This sounds odd, but if your parent depends on you out of habit, then you may need to train them not to.

This is similar to setting boundaries, except that it’s best to start gently. Doing so could involve gradually taking more space and helping your parent to find activities on their own.

You may need to reassure them throughout the process. Remind them that you still love them and that they’ll be fine.

Most people will get to the point where they start to enjoy their own company. Finding new hobbies helps, including social activities like group exercise classes or volunteering.

Help Them Find New Ways to Stay Engaged

Sometimes seniors look for attention because they don’t know what else to do with themselves.

This isn’t too surprising. They have much more time on their hands now than they ever did before.

While there’s plenty they can do with this time, the sheer number of options may feel overwhelming. Your parent might find it easiest to stick with what’s familiar, which will often include spending lots of time with you.

Why not work on this together?

You could start introducing the senior to new hobbies and group activities. Perhaps those activities are things you do together at the beginning, then once the senior finds something they ‘click’ with, you should be able to take a step back.

Work Within their Limits

If your parent has difficulties with cognition or memory, then you’ll need to tweak the approaches you take.

Dementia Patients

In particular, boundary setting won’t work well for patients with dementia, as their ability to understand and remember is very limited. Even if they agree with your boundaries initially, they’re not likely to stick with this point of view.

Caregivers even find that dementia patients follow them from one room to the next. This can feel like a total invasion of privacy and physical space, but is not easily solved.

A common approach here is redirection, where you try to focus the dementia patient’s attention elsewhere for a while, giving you the chance to spend at least some time on your own.

You’ll also need to think about your own emotional responses. Self-compassion can be a useful tool here, helping you to support yourself without getting overwhelmed by the situation.

Toxic Parents

Toxic parents are those who are consistently harsh, no matter what you do.

Such parents are difficult, if not impossible, to negotiate with. Sometimes they don’t want to see a different point of view. Other times they’re almost unable to do so.

In these cases, you need to decide for yourself. Setting boundaries with toxic parents is possible and essential, but your parents may never understand your point of view. You may also need to focus on the things that you can control – as some toxic parents refuse to accept the wishes of their children.

Anxious Parents

If your parent experiences severe separation anxiety, you may need to enlist the help of a professional. They can help your parent to work through the source of their anxiety and find ways to feel better when you’re not there.

Professional help is often crucial, as anxiety can be overwhelming and feels real to the person suffering it – even if they know there’s nothing to be worried about.

When a senior is in this situation, you won’t be able to make them feel better with words alone.

Making changes slowly can help. This could include introducing a new caregiver gradually, allowing the senior to get to know them before the caregiver and senior spend time alone with one another.

Also, if your parents are afraid that something will happen to them on their own, you can take steps to make the home safer. This could include making modifications and setting up an emergency alert system so that any problems are quickly identified.

Final Thoughts

The most powerful response to a mother who wants constant attention is simple – do less.

This includes putting boundaries in place and helping your parent to find independent activities that they enjoy.

Many parents do learn how to enjoy their own company and to place less pressure on you. However, every situation is unique. Some parents may not be able to understand, while others may be unwilling.

You’ll need to experiment to work out what’s viable in your situation.

Remember, though. Regardless of what your parents say or do, your needs are important. They matter. You matter. You’re not obliged to spend your days at their beck and call, nor is it healthy to do so.