Where the Light Gets In Review – Caregiver’s Book Corner

Where the Light Gets In is an interesting book for caregivers. I say interesting because it isn’t really a caregiving book at all, but can still be surprisingly useful. That’s why this Where the Light Gets In review is digging into what the book offers and where it is relevant for caregivers.

What is it then?

In many ways, Where the Light Gets In is a memoir about Kimberly Williams-Paisley’s relationship with her mother, including how this relationship has shifted through the course of their life.

The writing recounts key memories in Kimberly’s life, including her mother’s diagnosis with primary progressive aphasia (a rare form of dementia), how her mother and the family responded to the diagnosis, and how her mother changed as the disease took hold.

What I love the most is the raw honesty of the piece.

Kimberly talks about many good things about her mother and childhood, along with rough ones. She doesn’t shy away from saying that she had a difficult relationship with her mother or from talking about dementia can have devastating effects on individuals and families.  

There’s power in such honesty. After all, many caregiving and family challenges go untalked about because they’re not nice or socially appropriate. The more honest conversations we can have, the better we can support patients with serious diseases and their family members.

How The Book Can Help Caregivers

An Intimate Perspective on Dementia

One of the most important things is the way that this book teaches about dementia gently and from a very human perspective. There are many books and guides that spell out the different stages of dementia and how the behavior can look, but few give the human perspective in the way that Kimberly does.

Through Kimberly’s eyes, we get to see the progressive nature of dementia and how it impacts families to their core. There are even some indications of how the experience can be different between siblings.

It’s also much easier to understand the nature of dementia through a book like this than through a dry text that’s focused on instruction.

It Reminds Us That We’re Human

The way Kimberly writes often reminded me that caregiving, families, and humans are messy. Things don’t always go how they ‘should’ and we don’t always make the right decision at the right time.

To be honest, most families are filled with drama in one form or another. That’s just simply how life patterns out.

There’s something refreshing about hearing the ins and outs of someone else’s family dramas and upsets (including some that have nothing to do with dementia). 

It Highlights The Difficulty Of Making Changes

One thing I loved is that Where the Light Gets In talked about some very big and difficult decisions, including getting Kimberly’s mother to stop driving and moving her into memory care.

Kimberly’s recollection of these experiences bring home many of the emotions and highlight how the decisions can still be incredibly difficult, even when they’re necessary.

It Shows Caregiving From The Outside

Kimberly herself didn’t provide much hands-on care. Her father did this instead. Kimberly even admits that there’s a lot she doesn’t know about the day-to-day aspects of caregiving and all her father faced.

While Kimberly’s perspective does limit her ability to talk about her mother in some ways, it does mean that Kimberly can offer an outside perspective of carefiving – talking about how her and her siblings saw their father’s experience, the things they worried about, and where they thought he could have done differently.

This is helpful, as caregivers don’t get this outside perspective of themselves.

Kimberly’s discussion of her father also highlighted how easily the primary caregiver can become somewhat lost in their role. In particular, her father found it difficult to draw clear boundaries and stick to them, even when he knew he needed to do so for his wife’s safety.

It Ends Somewhat Positively

Much of Where the Light Gets In focuses on fear, loss, and grief, particularly as Kimberly’s mother’s dementia becomes more pronounced and there is little of her former self left.

This grief and sadness is important and is a process that many dementia caregivers experience.

What I love is that Kimberly doesn’t leave it there. The last sections of the book talk about being inspired and finding her way out of grief and into connection.

In a way, her approach reminds me of mindfulness, where there’s an emphasis on being present in the moment and focusing on what is happening – rather than what could be or should be. Kimberly’s newfound approach allowed her to find moments of connection with her mother, rather than being locked in grief, although the journey certainly isn’t easy.

She also talks about using the lessons she learned from her mother and moving forward, celebrating life, and loving her family.

It’s also nice to see a book on dementia that doesn’t simply go from bad to worse at the end.

Where The Book Is Limited

There are many good things about the book, but this wouldn’t be realistic Where the Light Gets In review if we didn’t talk about the negatives too.

Kimberly Wasn’t a Primary Caregiver

First, Where the Light Gets In doesn’t focus on caregiving.

That’s not surprising, as Kimberly was never her mother’s primary caregiver. That was her father’s role and her sister was the closest sibling who could act as a backup.

It also seemed like Kimberly was fairly distant from her mother, even before the diagnosis. While Kimberly does talk about a few occasions of hands-on support, there aren’t many of these. 

And, honestly, Where the Light Gets In isn’t about dementia or caregiving at all. It focuses on the relationship between mother and daughter, including all the very difficult bits, the solutions they found along the way, and the things that were never resolved.

The lack of focus on caregiving isn’t bad – unless you’re specifically looking for a caregiving book. If you want someone to teach you what to do and how to do it, this isn’t the right book. Seriously, even for the experiences that Kimberly was involved in, she offers few specific guidelines or tips. 

Kimberly Was Well-Positioned

Kimberly’s family had more social and financial resources than most other caregivers (not surprisingly, as Kimberly is the wife of country singer Brad Paisley and has played roles in a variety of TV shows and movies).

Their financial situation was particularly obvious when Kimberly talked about hiring help as if it were no big deal. They were even able to afford a high quality memory care facility for her mother, one that may have had more support and services than most others.

Kimberly, her two siblings, and her father also tended to be mostly aligned in their goal of supporting Kimberly’s mother. There were a couple of times when the kids felt that their father needed extra support, but such conflicts were resolved fairly easily with interventions.

This is a stark contrast to many families. In some, it’s an ongoing battle to get siblings to provide any support at all. In others, everyone has their own strong opinion about the level of care, which leads to constant fights.

Plus, Kimberly’s family had an extended network of friends that tried to help. Many friends became less able or willing to support as time went on, but the initial desire was certainly there.

If you’re providing hands-on dementia care, hearing Kimberly struggle with much simpler tasks could easily be too much. 

Some People Won’t Like The Style

When I was reading Where the Light Gets In reviews, I noticed that some people really didn’t like Kimberly’s style.

Some felt that the book was too indulgent and self-centered, especially given how long Kimberly spends talking about her career, her emotions, and her family life.

Others talked about the number of negative descriptions in the book, including when Kimberly talks about her mother’s flaws prior to dementia and childhood dramas. There are also some incredibly personal details in the book, such as describing Kimberly’s mother’s incontinence accidents or social impropriety.

It’s sometimes difficult to read such intensely personal information, especially given that Kimberly’s mother was in no mental state to give approval for such information to be shared.

My Final Where The Light Gets In Review

Where the Light Gets In is best seen as a memoir of a mother-daughter relationship, one that includes a dementia diagnosis but isn’t limited to it.

The book won’t give you any amazing techniques for parents with dementia and doesn’t provide many caregiving tips either. Even so, it’s an insightful look into dementia, along with the practical and emotional challenges that come with it.

Finally, your experience of the book will be influenced by what you’re looking for.

You’ll be disappointed if you want a book that focuses heavily on dementia and its immediate impacts. You’ll also be disappointed if you’re looking for specific dementia caregiving advice. However, if you’re interested in Kimberly Williams-Paisley herself or the ups and downs of a mother-daughter relationship, then this is exactly the right book. You may even be inspired by the moments of connection that Kimberly was able to find with her mother and how she was able to find her own feet.