Why Do Older People Get Mean?

You might have noticed this pattern – that people get progressively more mean as they age. Or, at least, they seem to. It’s not true for everyone, of course, but the issue is surprisingly common. So, why? Why do older people get mean? And can you do anything about it?

Well, there’s a host of reasons. Some of them are temporary or can be changed, while others are more serious. There may also be multiple factors at play for your loved one. 

Understanding what’s driving their behavior can have a few effects. Sometimes you could actually make the senior less mean – especially if their behavior was externally triggered. Other times, you may find that your understanding and compassion increases, which makes the senior easier to connect with.  

So, Why Do Older People Get Mean?

The Challenges Of Aging

First, aging is difficult, both physically and emotionally. 

Many people find that their abilities decrease over time. They’re no longer able to do all the things they once could. They may feel like their body’s betraying them or that they’re losing their autonomy. 

Some people find that it’s no longer safe to drive. Or that they can’t practice a beloved activity, like running. It may even become unsafe for them to be alone at home. That’s tough for someone who values their independence. 

Some of the changes from aging can also be embarrassing – particularly incontinence. 

These issues can all be overwhelming – and some seniors lash out as a result. 

This response is even more likely if the senior feels like you’re further restricting their autonomy. For example, many seniors resist being told that they should drive anymore, even if driving has become dangerous for them. 

They’re Bored

It’s true. Boredom really can make people mean. 

This is partly because it’s really easy to get stuck in your own headspace and emotions when there’s little else going on. Seniors may find that they also spend more time ruminating, which makes emotional challenges much worse. 

Boredom can also lead to more boredom for some people, as it’s easy to get stuck in a rut of not doing much. 

Some seniors may also blame loved ones for their boredom. 

For example, your aging parent might be upset or even angry that you aren’t visiting and entertaining them enough. This can easily lead to anger and unpleasant behavior.  

The Expectations They Have Of Others

Antisocial behavior sometimes emerges from unmet expectations. 

For example, the senior might expect that they will be able to live with you in their old age and that you’ll support them financially and practically. 

Such expectations mightn’t even seem unreasonable to them. Perhaps they supported their aging parent back in the day or feel that they made many sacrifices when raising you.

Conversely, seniors live longer now than ever before, the cost of living continues to increase, and families are getting more spread out. It’s not surprising that many adult children can’t support their aging parents in the way that previous generations did. 

Unmet expectations can easily led to resentment, especially when aging parents don’t understand or don’t agree with your perspectives.

And, maybe it has nothing to do with you at all. Perhaps it’s their expectations of other people that haven’t been met.  

They Haven’t Found New Joys

Aging often involves slowing down. Some youthful hobbies mightn’t be enjoyable anymore and could even be unsafe. Sure, some seniors keep living it up, even including activities like skydiving, skateboarding, and mountain biking, but many others have chronic health conditions that make such hobbies a poor choice. 

Many seniors adapt to such changes, finding new hobbies and social groups. 

However, some simply don’t. Their world may end up getting smaller and smaller instead, which can lead to bitterness and resentment. 

They’re Lonely

The importance of social connections is easily overlooked. 

We’re not just talking about the quantity of social connections either. The quality can be even more important. 

In particular, most of us need at least one close friend – someone we feel connected with and understood by. It also helps to have a social group where we feel like we truly belong. 

While some seniors have this, many don’t. 

This is a serious issue, as being isolated can decrease mood, raise the risk of mental health disorders, and even lead to physical health problems. 

And, coming back to the topic of the day, loneliness can make seniors mean. This may be partly because they don’t have the emotional buffer that comes with solid friendships and also because they’re a little out of practice with their social etiquette. 

Hormonal Changes

Hormones impact many things, including our emotional responses. 

For men, testosterone tends to decrease from around 40, while women experience estrogen decreases from 50. These hormonal shifts can lead to many changes, including sadness, depression, and anger.

Such shifts can easily contribute to seniors becoming mean. 

This is particularly true for those who aren’t very self aware. In such cases, the senior may not recognize that their emotional responses are the result of hormones. They may think everything they feel is related to the situation. 

Depression

Depression is most often associated with low mood, changes to eating and sleeping patterns, and decreased interest in pleasurable activities. However, it can present in other ways,  including aggression and anger, particularly in men.

Depression may also be difficult to spot in seniors who don’t talk about their emotions very often. 

There’s A Cognitive Condition

Conditions that affect perception and cognition can have dramatic behavioral impacts. 

Dementia is the most obvious example of this problem. And, it’s hardly surprising. Who wouldn’t lash out from time-to-time when the world feels confusing and overwhelming. 

This issue isn’t limited to dementia. Other health conditions can cause cognitive changes as well, leading to similar effects.

Why Do Only Some Seniors Become Mean?

You may have noticed a pattern here – many of the issues we’ve highlighted often occur as people age. Yet, many older adults don’t become mean at all. 

Many even go in the other direction and become kinder as they age.

There are a few things at play here. 

Personality and Attitude 

Sometimes it’s not so much that older people get mean, but that aspects of their personality become clearer as they age. 

For example, a father may have been goals oriented and a little abrasive in his younger years, but he also had a fuller life with many more responsibilities.

As that senior ages, any abrasiveness may become much more obvious and more often directed at family members. After all, the senior now has fewer social contacts and much more free time, so the effect isn’t surprising. 

Level of Self Awareness

Some of the areas we talked about earlier are directly related to self awareness and personal growth. In particular, some seniors will know how to handle difficult emotions, while others may default to lashing out at others. 

In some cases, the senior mightn’t even recognize that their emotional shifts have little to do with the people around them. 

For example, a senior with limited emotional intelligence may assume that they’re feeling angry because you did something wrong. A more emotionally mature parent might recognize that they didn’t feel angry last time you did the same thing – so the response is in them, not in you. 

Trauma and Triggers

Also, some of the senior’s reactions might be linked to personal trauma and triggers. These differ from person to person, creating a distinct response pattern. 

Some trauma responses mightn’t have been obvious earlier in the senior’s life. For example, fear linked to a lack of control might kick up strongly when their physical function decreases as the result of aging. 

Other trauma responses might be less obvious. The senior mightn’t even recognize that there was trauma in their past and may assure that strong emotional reactions are only related to what’s happening in the present. 

The Specific Situation

Finally, the situation at hand may play a huge role in how the senior feels and responds. 

There are many factors here, like where the senior lives, the amount of social support they have, whether they feel safe, and the activities they are engaged in. 

How You Can Help The Senior

As you can see, sometimes when older people get mean, the behavior change is the result of an external factor. This means that some ways of supporting them may naturally make them kinder and gentler.

This section will highlight a variety of approaches that may help. But, first, we’re touching on two important ones that address the situation directly.  

Talk About The Behavior

It really is important to talk to the senior about their behavior, including how it makes you feel and the fact that it is inappropriate. 

Some seniors mightn’t even be aware that what they’re saying is mean or that they’re being mean as often as they are. While having such conversations won’t always change things, they’re still a powerful starting point. 

Beyond that, it’s unfair to be frustrated and upset at someone’s behavior without giving them the chance to remedy it. You never know. The conversation might actually be enough. 

Set Boundaries

Boundaries are crucial too, particularly when seniors are being mean or abusive. You have every right to say no to any of their requests. That’s even more so if they’re demanding your compliance. 

Boundaries aren’t easy with mean or toxic parents, but this is something you can work on gently. You don’t have to get it right the first time anyway. Instead, boundaries are often a matter of trial and error, along with plenty of conversations along the way.   

Help Them Get More Engaged In Life

Mean seniors often see their life through a negative lens. They can be quick to notice what’s missing and how things ‘should’ be, yet are often slow to find solutions for themselves. 

Encouraging them to engage in life and helping them find good activities can make a huge amount of difference.

This could involve researching different activities. See what social groups are active in your area, which one your aging parent might be interested in, and what the options are for access. You might even be able to go along with them for the first couple of times. 

This approach won’t be a quick fix. 

It takes a while to really connect in with a new social group or activity. Some seniors may also be resistant, which makes matters harder. 

Still, as Johann Hari points out in Lost Connections, being associated with others and having a sense of belonging really is powerful. We all need this. 

Talk To A Doctor

If the issue is related to a cognitive disorder or to a mental health issue like depression, the doctor might be able to help. They could even know about other potential avenues to pursue.

For that matter, it’s always worth talking about a behavioral change to a doctor, as this can be a symptom of a health condition.

What To Do If They Continue To Be Mean?

Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do. Whether the effect is due to dementia, personality, or a mental illness, some seniors will continue to be mean. They may even get worse as they age. 

This creates a big question – what do you do next? 

The answer is very person-specific. Some caregivers will continue to support a mean senior, even if they end up being abusive. 

Others will step back instead. This could involve providing care from a distance or even choosing not to provide care at all. 

There’s no definitive right or wrong answer here. Instead, you need to think about your own situation and needs.