Why You Must Have Tough Conversations with Aging Parents

Many of us shy away from confrontation, particularly with our parents. It often feels much easier and safer to simply let things be. Besides, tough conversations with aging parents often don’t go well at all. That’s why this two-part series is digging into the topic. In this first post, we look at why difficult conversations are so important. In the next, we look at how you can have the conversations well.

You might have tried to do something like this in the past. It may seem like you’re always on the back foot or that no matter what you do, you’re simply not getting through to them.

Perhaps you’re afraid of hurting or upsetting them. After all, we grew up looking to our parents for approval and affirmation. Some of that dynamic often remains, even into adulthood. It can be difficult to step back from this and put your foot down, especially when your aging parent doesn’t want to listen.

In this post, we’re specifically talking about cases where the relationship between you and your aging parent isn’t as it should be.

• Perhaps there are areas of tension, where the two of you don’t see eye-to-eye about their need. They may be stubborn or completely in denial in key areas, making them resistant to help.
• They may take a different approach entirely, where they are demanding, perhaps suggesting that you drop everything to meet their needs and piling on the guilt when you don’t.
• Alternatively, they could be quick to judge and criticize, acting as if nothing you do is ever enough.
• Some aging parents are easily offended, becoming upset when you miss calling them or when you’re not available.
• Perhaps they expect you to solve problems for them, to make their life perfect and to make them feel happy, even though such goals are not at all realistic nor your responsibility.

The above categories aren’t mutually exclusive. Your parent(s) may exhibit different behaviors depending on the situation and what they’re sensitive to.

It might be tempting to accept things as they are. To find ways to cope as best as you can. But, doing so isn’t good for you or your family member in the long-term.

Things truly can be better. First though, you need to be willing to put in the effort.

Why Confront the Problem at All?

To Make Things Better

The first reason for tough conversations with aging parents is an obvious one. Things won’t get better if you ignore the situation (they’ll probably get worse). Dealing with the issue is the only way to make things better.

We’re not just talking about making them better for you either.

An imbalanced relationship between you and your parents doesn’t do either of you any good. Getting things back on the right track ends up being better for everyone involved – even if it doesn’t feel like it at the beginning.

Besides, while confrontations can go badly, they often don’t. You might be surprised at how easily an apparently huge problem can be resolved. Sometimes the solution is as simple as making the other person aware of what is going on.

To Preserve Love

Confrontation sounds negative and scary.

Yet, the best relationships are the ones where people can work out difficulties together. You have the chance to grow within yourselves and together, which is incredibly valuable.

After all, we all have different values, needs, and priorities. What we do often affects other people in unexpected ways. The only way to do well with other people is to talk, sometimes at depth.

For example, if your aging mother wants to see you often and drops by out of the blue, you might talk to her about planning visits. Doing so would mean that you have the energy and attention to give her when you do spend time together, and can schedule the rest of your life better.

Such an approach could mean that you see your mother less often, but have better quality of time when you do meet, which could be exactly what your relationship needs.   

To Promote Understanding and Connection

Humans tend to project onto each other. We assume that others think and mean things that might have never crossed their mind. This is often because we use the past as a pattern for the present, unconsciously trying to predict what things mean based on what they meant previously.

Talking through issues gives us the chance to see the opposite perspective.

To understand why people do what they do, along with their struggles.

Sometimes this understanding is all that is needed.

Plus, a good conversation helps you to refocus. You can highlight the importance of the relationship and the person’s value to you.

For example, rather than being frustrated at your mother and not saying anything, you might start by saying that you love her and want things to work well between the two of you.

Even If You Can Manage As-Is, The Price Is Too High

There are various internal strategies that help you respond to challenging situations, like adjusting your expectations, practicing self-compassion, considering their perspective, being compassionate to them, and finding external support.

Indeed, you really can change your responses even if the circumstances feel overwhelming.

But, having to constantly adjust to someone else takes its toll. You end up drained and fatigued. Your relationships may suffer too, along with many other aspects of your life.

There’s no advantage to putting yourself through the wringer like that.

Avoiding The Problem Is Unfair

Confronting someone is usually seen as a negative thing. It’s often easier to pretend that problems don’t exist. Perhaps you hope to focus on love, kindness, and forgiveness instead.

There are two issues with doing so.

First, unresolved problems tend to eat away at us, often coming out in unexpected ways. You might find that you have less patience and snap at your family member more often, or that you feel less connected to them.

The second issue is that you’re not giving them the information they need.

Even if the problem seems obvious to you, your family member might have no idea what’s going on. Or, they might be aware, but not realize how important the topic is to you.

It’s not fair to get annoyed at someone you love, without ever talking to them about it.

Protecting Yourself Isn’t Selfish

At their heart, tough conversations are often a time for you to firmly establish boundaries. To say what is important to you and ask for some type of recognition or change in the other person.

The first difficulty is often the idea that we don’t have that right.

• Sometimes we think that the other person’s needs are more important than ours.
• Other times, we might feel that we’re over-reacting (and, in some cases, we may be).
• Or, perhaps we think we’re being selfish.

Here’s the thing.

We all need boundaries. These are what define the distinction between us and other people. Part of doing so involves asking for the things we want and placing limits on damaging behaviors.

When people don’t have many boundaries, they tend to go along with whatever others suggest. This often comes from a strong desire to be loved and recognized.

Ironically though, having few boundaries doesn’t make your more likeable. Quite the opposite, in fact. Being around someone who doesn’t set boundaries isn’t fun. Many people find it frustrating instead – as they never really know where you stand or what you want.

Having wants and needs of your own isn’t selfish. It’s part of being human.

What to Do Next

Our next post will dig more into how you can have tough conversations with aging parents, including a variety of specific strategies and examples that can get you started.

However, if you’re struggling with confidence, deservability, or the idea that you’re being selfish, then you may first need to do some work around the idea of boundaries.

A classic place to begin is the book Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It was originally published 30 years ago, but has recently been expanded and revised. Even the original version has plenty of advantages, as it has influenced the lives of more than 2 million people.

There are a variety of spinoff books, including Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Kids, and Boundaries with teens. However, there isn’t one focusing on aging parents.

The main caveat is that the Boundaries books are heavily Christian-focused. The authors frequently refer to Christian principles and quote bible versions as evidence of their perspectives. Such features may be perfect for Christian readers, while non-Christians may want a different book.

A second option is called Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. It isn’t as famous as the book from Cloud and Townsend, but it did still make the New York Times bestseller list.

A final book is Setting Boundaries with your Aging Parents. It’s another Christian book, but it isn’t so overbearingly religious as the books from Cloud and Townsend. Plus, this is one of the few books on the topic written expressly for people supporting aging parents.    

My personal favorite is the middle book: Set Boundaries, Find Peace. It is well written, is easy to read, and is a good fit regardless of your faith background.