We need to talk about your elderly parents and sex. They may be having having sex. Unsafe sex.
We live in a world rife with myths and misconceptions. One of these is the belief that seniors are cranky, want to only knit on a rocking chair, and spoil their grandchildren. Perhaps it is the fear of our own mortality and aging that forces the general population to disregard older adults.
But if recent findings are any indication, seniors are engaging in multiple other joyous activities. Sometimes quite risky behavior. In fact, it is not teenagers who take the gold for reckless sexual behavior – it’s their grandparents.
So, how do we tackle the issue of our elderly parents and sex? Certainly, it is an uncomfortable topic and many of us would like to avoid talking about it entirely.
Why Talk About Elderly Parents and Sex?
Over the last decade, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) have reached near epidemic levels amongst people between the ages of 57-80. The reason? Retired people may have more time, for one thing.
There’s also the fact that many seniors are widowed, are widowers, or have been divorced. No longer being in a long-term monogamous relationship can lead to more dating and more sex.
Hard data also suggests that assisted living facilities, which are co-ed, are also a hotbed of sexual activity. Older adults also tend to worry less about accidental pregnancy, which means less condom use, which leads to increased risk of STI.
The Student British Medical Journal cites a 4-year longitudinal study that shows a 135 percent increase in cases of syphilis from 2006 to 2010 for those aged 55 and older. Chlamydia was up 111 percent as well. In 2010, a report from Massachusetts General Hospital found that men over 50 were six times less likely to use a condom than men who are thirty years younger.
That’s pretty startling. Generally speaking, we tend to think that college kids are more likely to engage in high-risk sexual behaviors, but science seems to dispute that notion.
This information shows the importance of tackling the topic of our elderly parents and sex, regardless of how uncomfortable that topic might be.
Seniors Are Using the Internet to Meet and Hook Up
The idea that sex dies in old age seems to be completely false. One of the largest dating sites, eHarmony, notes that people 50 and above are among their faster-growing segment. Another site, Match.com estimates that a quarter of its members are between 50 and 65.
What else would explain the dramatic rise in both paid and free senior dating sites on the Internet? Here’s just a quick sample of what’s available:
This list is hardly all-inclusive. There is no fee to join many of these senior dating sites, and several of them allow seniors to conduct basic searches for free. The bottom line is that the very existence and popularity of these sites offers compelling evidence that people over the age of 50 are actively seeking relationships, and yes, they are having a fair amount of sex as well.
The bottom line is that the very existence and popularity of these sites offers compelling evidence that people over the age of 50 are actively seeking relationships, and yes, they are having a fair amount of sex as well.
If you are a senior, this information may not be all that surprising to you. Your children, on the other hand, might need a moment to process this. There are not many of us who like to think of our parents as sexual beings, but they are. It might be a little too much to think about grandma or grandpa trolling a dating site or worse yet, having careless, guilt-free sex in their retirement villa. But this is
It might be a little too much to think about grandma or grandpa trolling a dating site or worse yet, having careless, guilt-free sex in their retirement villa. But this is reality we are talking about. Perhaps it is time to embrace it.
After all, the idea of elderly parents and sex really isn’t that far fetched.
Seniors Need a Little Respect and Privacy. Here’s What You Can Do
There is no reason to keep secrets. If you are a sexually active senior, you don’t have to keep your personal life a secret. If you are the adult caregiver or relative of a senior, you no longer need to hide from the truth. Here are 3 things you both can do to make this an easier transition.
1. Keep communication open and honest.
Twenty years ago, STDs were on the rise among teenagers. Part of this was due to a profound lack of sex education in the classroom, in the homes, in the communities. These days, teenagers are relatively well educated about sexually transmitted infections and as a result, the number of cases has steadily declined. As a society, we have a continuing debate as to the morality of sex education, but the data indicates it keeps teenagers safer than they were a few decades before.
The reverse is true with seniors, who now have access to free senior dating sites but lack access to education about the dangers of unprotected sex. Many medical providers are also working off of old assumptions, and often fail to assess their senior patients’ sexual activity or test for STDs. Communication and education are perhaps the best way to address the issue, and it starts with the family.
This does mean having conversations that focus on your elderly parents and sex, but these conversations are likely to get easier as time goes along.
2. Senior Have a Right to Privacy
In some countries, old age is sometimes referred to as the “segunda juventud” (second childhood), with adult caregivers taking on the role of “parent”, and seniors entering more carefree days in retirement. In some ways this is true.
While many seniors may require some additional support to move around or need occasional reminders to take their medications, they have adult needs and a desire for autonomy and fulfilling relationships. Both parties would do well to remember this. Seniors have a right to live their lives the way they see fit, regardless of what their children and neighbors may think.
3. Seniors Need to Be Educated about the Internet
For the middle-aged, pre-retirement population, the internet is everywhere and commonplace. As a society, we tend to focus our attention on protecting children from dangers lurking on the web, but we often overlook the need to protect seniors as well.
Perhaps this is based on a faulty assumption that seniors don’t know how to use computers. It turns out that a surprising number of them do, and more than half the seniors in the United States now use the internet. While the Internet is not dangerous for seniors, per se, it is wise for families to make themselves available to answer any questions that elderly family members may have about its proper use.
A particularly important approach is for caregivers to talk to seniors about what is safe and what isn’t safe to do online. There are multiple different areas that you may need to talk to seniors about, depending on what they are doing online and their level of understanding.
Some key topics are discussed below. They are all relevant to the topic of elderly parents and sex, although some may be more relevant than others to your specific case.
Online Scams
Scams are very common online and a large number of them are specifically targeted at seniors. Some of these scams directly relate to online dating, but others are scams that your family member might run into while they are online.
One key way of addressing this issue is to talk about what information your family member should never provide online, and what the risks in doing so are.
This is particularly important to emphasize, as some scams can be very convincing. For example, one scam involves people posing as Medicare representatives to get the personal information of seniors.
Likewise, phishing sites try to get users to enter in personal information by pretending to be legitimate sites.
People of all ages fall for online scams, so teaching your family member what to look out for is critical. If nothing else, it is worth having a blanket rule never to provide personal information (including credit card and social security information) online under any circumstances.
Meeting People
There is always a little bit of risk when meeting someone you meet online, and this risk is even higher for seniors, who are a particularly vulnerable group to start off with.
It’s important to talk to seniors about these risks and ways of minimizing them.
For example, it is always best to meet dates in a public place and to always have a way of contacting family in case something goes wrong.
Additionally, it is important that seniors tell you where they are going, especially on the first few dates. Getting them to tell you this might be a bit challenging, but it may help to empathize that you are interested in their safety, no what they are doing.
Profiles Lie and so do People
Another important point is that profile pictures and descriptions on dating sites are rarely accurate. People commonly use pictures of celebrities or pull good looking pictures off the internet. They may also embellish their strengths and hide their flaws.
Even if someone isn’t being deliberately deceptive, there is a good chance that at least some of their profile is inaccurate.
If a person really does seem too good to be true, there is also the chance that they are trying to manipulate people that they connect with.
This can be challenging to spot, especially for seniors, and people like this are prepared to take their time until they make their move.
Both you and the senior should keep an eye out for things that seem inconsistent, both in the person’s online profile and in the things they say and do. If a person is being misleading, then there is a good chance that they are trying to take advantage.
Don’t Post Location Information
Many seniors don’t realize how easy it is to find out information about them online, and this can create risk.
Even if the senior doesn’t post their address and contact information on the dating website that information might be available on other sites, like Facebook. Additionally, some smartphone apps (like FourSquare) provide the user’s exact location.
Having information like location and phone number online can be very dangerous, especially as dates or potential dates can sometimes turn into stalkers.
If seniors feel like their activities will be judged by family members, they will likely keep said activities a secret. Avoid this trap. Educate them. Help them. Answer their questions.
In The End
Seniors have the right to enjoy their golden years in whatever way they see fit. While they may need assistance, they are not children, nor should they be treated that way. They have a right to explore new relationships, rekindle old loves, and live out their days feeling connected and happy. Don’t let sex stand in the way. Be supportive, be caring, and above all, be respectful of their needs. We all have them. This is a fact that should be celebrated, not ignored.
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