How to Deal with Irrational Elderly Parents

Over the years, we’ve created numerous articles that look at difficult parents, including those who are stubborn, narcissistic, clingy, or incredibly demanding. Such topics generally boil down to the following important approaches:

• Work to understand yourself and your parent, including strengths, limitations, biases, and blind spots.
• Consider your own needs and start to value yourself more.
• Look closely at what they actually need versus what they want.
• Have conversations with them about needs and boundaries. This process can help each party to understand the other better and make sure needs are actually met.

That set of steps works best when your parent is willing and able to understand your perspectives. Where they care about what you’re dealing with too. While reaching a middle ground can sometimes be difficult (and requires some tough conversations), doing so is entirely possible.

What about irrational elderly parents? This issue is particularly significant if your aging parent has dementia. It’s also relevant for some other mental health conditions and some personality disorders. 

Some of the approaches for responding to regular aging parents apply to irrational ones too, while other approaches are completely different. So, let’s look at what you can do.

The Best Ways to Deal with Irrational Elderly Parents

Stay Curious

You will never completely understand your parents (nor any person, for that matter). But, the more you know and ‘get’ about them, the easier everything else becomes.

I read once^[1] about the power of curiosity and it’s become almost a mantra.

Rather than being convinced about your own perspectives or what’s right versus wrong, try being curious about where your parent is coming from. Be curious about their emotions. Their values. Their interpretations.

When you come from a place of curiosity, it’s much easier to simply see your parent as they are and connect with them.

Curiosity doesn’t just apply to your parent either.

It also helps to be curious about yourself, your own reactions, and what matters to you. While this idea might seem incredibly strange at first, it’s extremely important.

Because, here’s the thing… there’s a hell of a lot we don’t know about ourselves. We feel things and think things, often suddenly, and assume that those things have particular meanings. Yet, when we did a bit deeper, the reactions may not be what they seem at all.

For example, an argument between you and your parent about whether to shop in the morning or evening might have little to do with the time of day that you shop. Control could be the underlying issue, especially if one or both of you don’t like being told what to do.

Understanding yourself and your parent doesn’t solve anything on its own. But, doing so gives you insight into where the underlying problems are, what each of you is reacting to, and ways to approach a solution.

And, if you stick to the curiosity mindset, you’ll always be growing and learning. This is powerful, as humans shift and change over time.

There’s another benefit too. If you’re curious about what your parent feels, you’re less likely to be angry and reactive. This mindset might even reduce how often you fight.

Stop Trying to Make Them Understand

You’ve probably already noticed this – irrational parents simply don’t ‘get it’.

It doesn’t matter how well you explain or what you say, they understand only the things they want to. Only the ones that fit into their map of how things should be.

Despite this, there’s often this hope that you can get them to understand. Doing so is incredibly frustrating and draining.

It’s often better to step back emotionally and stop seeking their understanding and approval.

This includes recognizing that sometimes they won’t approve. If you struggle with this, the book Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson can help you understand what’s happening and find new ways forward.

Limit Your Explanations

Many of us fall into the habit of explaining much more than is necessary.

This is particularly true if you still want to please an aging parent. You might feel that if you can explain things well, then they’ll ‘get it’ and will be on board with you.

Such explanations have their place, but are generally ineffective with irrational parents. Much of the time, they’ll simply contradict or unpick whatever explanation you come up with.

For example, if you say that you can’t visit them because you’re going on a work retreat, they might argue that you’re putting your career ahead of them. Or, if you’re going on a girl’s night out, they may suggest that doing so is selfish – that you should spend time with them instead.

But, no is a complete sentence.

You have the right to choose what you do and don’t do – regardless of their opinion.

Besides, let’s be honest – your explanation isn’t likely to make a difference. Whether your parent accepts or rejects your decision will be entirely based on them. Lengthy explanations might also give them ammunition to use against you in the future.

So, keep your explanations short – or ditch them altogether.

Watch Out for Manipulation

Irrational people are often manipulative. This can include trying to make you feel guilty, giving and withdrawing affection, and being passive-aggressive.

They may also try to make you feel like you’re being the irrational and unreasonable one. This is particularly difficult when you’re dealing with aging parents, as there’s often a desire to make them happy.

To protect yourself, you need to watch out for their tricks. Get familiar with them and learn when (and how!) to put your foot down.

Setting boundaries is an important approach here. If you’ve never done this before, you might want to get a book that digs into the field in more detail. Allison Bottke has a particularly helpful book called Setting Boundaries with Aging Parents.

Seek Out Advice

Figuring out how to respond to an aging parent on your own is tough.

After all, you have your own biases, emotional responses, and reactivity, which can make it hard to see clearly.

You might also find them incredibly confusing.

Getting advice can make things much easier. Caregiver forums and support groups are great places to begin, as these allow you to connect with other people who understand your experiences.

Family and friends can be helpful too. But, be cautious here, as they may not see your parent in the same way as you do.

Therapy is a surprisingly powerful tool as well. Not only can a therapist help you to decide how to respond to an irrational senior, but they can also help you understand what’s going on from the senior’s point of view.

Finally, there are self-help books.

Caution is always needed here, as a book doesn’t give you personalized information and some authors are much better than others. Still, most books will give you at least a few gems of wisdom.

You might try looking for one that matches the underlying pattern of your parent’s behavior – such as a book on narcissistic parents or one on emotionally immature parents. Books like these help you understand your parent better and also give you tactics for responding to them.

Talk To Their Doctor If There’s Been A Change

Some parents have had irrational tendencies for most of their lives.

If this is the case, you’re probably very familiar with what to expect. You may also have plenty of strategies for how to respond to them.

But, what if the behavior is new instead? Or, if it has suddenly got much worse?

Sudden personality or behavioral changes like this can be the result of health conditions or even medications. A stroke, malnutrition, a urinary tract infection (UTI), or a tumor are just a few examples of significant external factors.

This means you should always talk to the senior’s doctor about any changes in their personality.

It’s also important to do also as soon as possible, as outcomes tend to be better when medical issues are addressed early.

Are They Harming You?

There’s another important thing to think about – is spending time with an irrational aging parent causing you harm?

Such harm could come in many forms.

For example, an irrational and demanding older parent might limit your ability to practice self-care and leave you exhausted.

Irrational parents can also be abusive, particularly if they think their perspectives are the only ones that matter (this is a common pattern with narcissistic aging parents).

If spending time or supporting an irrational parent is causing you harm, it’s time to take a close look at things. What can you do to protect yourself? Do you need to take distance? Can you step away from caregiving entirely?

What About Occasional Irrationality?

In this post, we’ve been focusing on fully irrational aging parents.

That term implies that they’re irrational in most, if not all, areas of their lives. Or, at the very least, they’re irrational often enough to make things difficult for others.

But, what if they’re only irrational every so often or only about very specific topics?

If this is the case, they clearly can be rational.

The question to answer is why aren’t they being rational now? What is it about these situations or topics that makes them think and act differently?

A classic example with aging parents is when they’re unwilling to give up a particular freedom – like driving, even when doing so is no longer safe. You may find that they completely refuse to listen to logic or to consider alternative options.

They might even get angry.

When a person’s irrational reactions are focused around a single area like this, it’s often a sign of an underlying issue.

For the example of driving, the underlying concern might be fear about loss of freedom or loss of independence.

Another example is a senior who doesn’t want to get help around the house – even when they desperately need it. This could be because getting help decreases their independence and makes them feel helpless.

If a person is situationally irrational like this, it’s often possible to discover the underlying concern and work with the aging parent to address this.

For example, you might talk about how getting a little extra help actually increases independence, by reducing the risk of injury. Plus, if someone is doing the cleaning or home maintenance, that frees up time for the senior to do things they want to. That’s a win-win.

Final Thoughts

Irrational parents can be tough and confusing.

However, their irrationality doesn’t need to define your life. Responding to them well often involves stepping away from defending yourself and explaining, and choosing to simply do what you need to do instead.

Your parent won’t always approve and won’t always be happy, but that’s their problem. After all, if they’re regularly irrational, you probably can’t convince them anyway.

---

^[1] The idea of curiosity came from a book called Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. While there are many other books on the same topic, this remains my absolute favorite, particularly due to the clear language and how well the authors use examples.